


just one breath (just in case there's just one left)

by kee



Series: JOB 'verse [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 01:57:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 55,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kee/pseuds/kee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen sacrifices like Dean.  Jared angsts like Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Betas: Rejeneration and Kuromatic
> 
> Originally posted on LJ, May of 2009

The sun is shining, Jensen is laughing, and all is right with Jared Padalecki’s world.

\+ || + || +

Jared is stupidly happy to be back at work, despite having to get up at the ass-crack of dawn for an early call. He’s so happy; he’s downright giddy. Jensen’s caffeine hasn’t kicked in yet. So far, all Jared’s gotten from him are grunts and begrudging half-smiles, but he knows that Jensen’s just as glad to be back at it as he is. This is what they do. This is where they _belong_.

The strike had been long, both a blessing and a curse. Initially, Jared had relished the unexpected time off, the forced vacation. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t have to work. He couldn’t work even if he’d wanted to. He’d spent a few weeks sleeping in, catching up with friends, and visiting his family in Texas. It felt nice not to have to rush, to know that he didn’t have to be anywhere doing anything. He enjoyed being lazy for a while.

That had lasted a little less than a month. Then the anxiety set in. It blindsided him at random intervals, the creeping fear of uncertainty. _What if the strike kills the show? What will I do if I can’t do this?_

Supernatural is the best job Jared’s ever had. The best job he could ever imagine having: Eric’s enthusiasm, Kim’s guiding hand, the unparalleled talent and camaraderie of the entire crew. Jared loves it all. He loves the early mornings and the late nights, the hours spent in the make-up trailer with Jensen, the two of them being fussed over by Jeannie and Shannon. He loves playing Sam and he loves acting with Jensen. Being Sam and Dean can be difficult. The work is physically demanding and the character bleed is a bitch, but through it all, they always have each other to lean on. Supernatural is the experience of a lifetime and Jared is smart enough to realize that, even as he’s living it. Smart enough to be absolutely terrified by the thought of losing it.

_Who will I be if I can’t be Sam? What will I do without Jensen at my back?_

All the questions drove Jared crazy, so he’d grabbed Sandy and headed off to Europe. They’d done the tourist thing and the young lovers in Paris thing. One night, swept away by the ambiance of the city, and possibly pressed by long-standing, yet unspoken expectations, Jared had dropped to one knee and done the clichéd proposal thing. Sandy had been so happy she cried. Jared was relieved that there seemed to be at least one thing in his life that he had control over.

When the call had come from Eric, the “Hey, we’re back for four more episodes and by the way, we’ve been renewed for next year” call, Jared had released the breath he hadn’t even known he was holding since he’d said goodbye to Jensen in Chicago. Then he packed up his things and his dogs and headed home to Vancouver.

Now he’s back where he belongs, waiting with Jensen while the crew sets up the first shot of the day. They’re shooting an exterior scene at a local park. Winter hasn’t quite fully given way to spring yet, but the sun is shining even though the morning air has a bite. Jensen is nursing a cup of coffee and Jared’s grinning at the absolute perfect normalcy of the moment.

When the P.A. comes over to let them know everything’s ready, Jensen arches an eyebrow at Jared who nods sharply in return. Like synchronized swimmers, they both reach out to bump fists and Jensen speaks his first complete sentence of the day.

“Let’s do this thing.”

Jared laughs out loud. It must be contagious because Jensen is joining in as they move toward the cameras.

\+ || + || +

When twelve o’clock rolls around, Kim calls a break for lunch. They haven’t quite bagged the scene yet. It’s been Murphy’s Law in full force, a boom mike dropping too low, a bird flying by, that sort of thing. Honestly, everyone is a little bit rusty, including Jared. It’s like working out after weeks away. The muscles don’t really want to stretch as they should, resistant to the routine. It pulls and aches a bit, but it’s a good hurt. Jared’s joyful mood hasn’t wavered. Actually, it’s improved since Jensen’s fully awake now and they’re falling back into the rhythm of the work and just being _them_. It’s not like Jared didn’t know he missed it, but man, to have it _back_.

Jensen makes a beeline to the catering table, but Jared grabs him by the elbow.

“Jared. What?”

Jared tilts his head to the group of people that’s been gathering off to one side all morning watching them work. “We should go say “hi.”

Jensen makes a face. “We do that, we’ll never get to eat.”

“C’mon, Jen. It’ll be fun. We haven’t spent any time with fans since the convention in Chicago.” Jared adopts a serious mask. “We owe it to our adoring public, Jensen. They’ve been deprived of the awesomeness that is us for months now.”

“Your humility never ceases to amaze me, Padalecki.”

“It’s all part of the awesomeness, Jen.”

Jensen caves, just like Jared knew he would. “Whatever. Let’s get this over with so I can get some food.”

Jared starts walking over to the small crowd. “It’s not like you’ll starve to death, Jensen. You could stand to miss a meal every once in a while.”

“Dude. Did you just call me _fat_?”

Jared throws a smirk over his shoulder, even as he’s extending a hand to a waiting girl whose eyes have gone as big as saucers. “Hi, I’m Jared.”

She looks to be about fifteen or sixteen. She’s flushed an alarming shade of red and stuttering so much Jared can barely make out her name.

He’s used to this by now, and to tell the truth, it gives him a little thrill knowing he has this effect on people. It’s one of the many perks of his job. He's thankful for it and he never takes it for granted. He wouldn’t be where he is today without the fans, so he tries to give a little back whenever he can. He keeps hold of the girl’s hand and maintains eye contact. His tone is warm. “Thanks for coming, Claire.” 

She sputters. He smiles.

Jensen is at his shoulder, talking to the person next to Claire and after a few moments, Jared says goodbye to her and steps around Jensen to the next person. 

They continue like that for about half an hour, leap-frogging over each other, shaking hands, signing autographs and posing for the occasional picture. It’s all in a day’s work, and when Jared hears the distinct sound of Jensen’s stomach growling, he doesn’t even laugh. He doesn’t say a word.

\+ || + || +

The small group disperses as the boys work their way through it. The novelty of seeing a TV crew in action wears off after you’ve watched the same scene twenty times and gotten actual face time with the actors. The opportunity for the impromptu meet and greet was the actual point of coming out and standing in the cold anyway. Jared and Jensen make sure that each fan leaves with a smile on their face and that’s a job well done right there.

There are four people left as Jensen says goodbye to a mother and daughter who came up from Seattle. Three of the girls are clearly here together. One of them is clearly here alone. She’s standing apart from the others and looks a bit skittish. Jared takes a step towards her. She takes three rapid steps back. Her sudden motion catches everyone’s attention and Jensen steps up behind Jared rather than moving on to the others.

Something is pinging on Jared’s radar, but this is a fan and he’s _Jared_ , so he flashes her his brightest smile. “Hello, I’m Jared.”

She stares at him blankly. “Hello, Sam.”

Jared hears Jensen mumble something behind him, something like _what the hell_. Jared shakes his head at both Jensen and the girl. It’s not the first time a flustered fan has called him by his character’s name and it probably won’t be the last. She’s just nervous. He knows he can get her to relax. He’s done it before.

“No, sweetheart. I’m Jared. Jared Padalecki.” He smiles again, expecting her to shrug or laugh off her mistake, waits for her to stammer out the usual apology that comes with the flub. She isn’t laughing, though. She’s not even smiling. She’s just staring at Jared with a strange sort of intensity that’s confusing the hell out of him.

Jensen has gone whipcord tense beside him. Jared starts to take a step forward, only to be yanked back by Jensen’s grip fisted in his jacket and Jensen’s voice at his ear. “We’re leaving now.”

The lone girl is standing stock still, clutching the strap of her shoulder bag, still staring at Jared. He looks to the other three. “But…”

Jensen tugs again. “Now, Jared.”

Jared mouths “sorry” to the disappointed girls and turns to leave, stumbling a bit as Jensen shoves him from behind to get him moving faster. They’re about twenty feet away, Jared in front of Jensen, when she calls out. “Wait.”

Jared slows, but Jensen pushes into him, refusing to let him stop. “Keep moving, Jay. We need to find security.”

“No. Jen, she’s just…”

“Crazy, Jared. She’s just fucking crazy. Did you see the look in her eyes?”

Jared knows that Jensen has had a couple of disturbing experiences with his fans. So, as much as he’d like to argue, he decides discretion is probably the better part of valor and defers to Jen’s superior knowledge of the crazy fangirl.

They make it another five or ten feet before her voice rings out again, full of command. “I said wait!”

They stop on a dime. The implied threat in her tone has Jared going cold all over. Jared and Jensen turn in concert until they’re both facing the girl. Only now Jensen is in front of Jared, between Jared and the girl, and Jared’s not liking that one bit. “Jen.”

“Shut up, Jared.” Jared has never heard Jensen sound so hard, so implacable. Jared tries to shift from behind Jensen, but every time he moves, Jensen moves in counterpoint leaving them back where they started. Jared growls in frustration but Jensen isn’t even looking at him. Jensen’s eyes are focused on the girl who is now moving closer to them instead of away. 

Jared hits Jensen lightly on the back. “Move, asshole. I can’t see.”

There’s nothing funny about the choked laugh Jensen gives. “You don’t want to see this. Trust me.”

Okay, Jared thinks, enough of this shit. He’s bigger than Jensen. He’ll just _make_ him move. So, that’s what he does, using both hands and bodily moving Jensen to the left. His view of the girl is finally clear and he can’t help but suck in a breath at what he sees.

She’s standing about ten feet away. _Still_ staring at Jared. The purse she’d been clutching is gone. Her arms are at her sides, but she’s holding something in her right hand. Something dark and metal, something that looks like – Jared’s mind stutter-stops – she’s got a gun, _ohmyfuckinggod_ she’s got a _gun_.

Hazel eyes find green. “Jensen.”

Jensen’s voice is steady. “Stay calm, Jared. It’s gonna be okay.”

“She’s got a _gun_ , Jensen.” Jared knows he sounds like an idiot. Of course, Jensen knows she has a gun, but Jared feels like reality has been ripped right out from under him and stating the obvious is about all he can manage right now.

“You need to stay calm.” Jensen looks from Jared to the girl. “We all just need to stay calm.”

She cocks her head slightly, finally breaking her stare to meet Jensen’s gaze. “I don’t want to hurt you, Dean. I didn’t come here to hurt you. I came here to save you.” She sounds sincere, crazy as a bed bug, but sincere. The blankness is gone now, replaced with something frenzied, something manic. She raises her arm, waving the gun in Jared’s direction. “I came here to save the world. From him.”

Jensen’s voice is soft and surprisingly calm, as if he’s talking to a frightened child, and maybe he is. “What’s your name?”

“Laurie.”

“Laurie, my name is Jensen Ackles. This is Jared Padalecki. We’re actors. Sam and Dean Winchester are _characters_ that we play on television. It isn’t real, Laurie. None of it’s real.”

“I know you want to protect your brother, Dean. I know you think it’s your job. But he has to be stopped. Can’t you see that? Sam’s _evil_. And it doesn’t matter that you love him, or you want to save him. You can’t.”

Jensen simply repeats himself. “I’m _Jensen_. This is _Jared_. Sam and Dean are not real, Laurie. Please, put the gun away.”

Her eyes narrow. “You’re trying to trick me.”

Jensen raises his hands in either supplication or surrender; Jared’s not sure which. “I’m not, Laurie. I swear I’m not. I just don’t want to see anyone get hurt. Not you. Not me. Not _Jared_. Please, Laurie, just put down the gun.”

Jared is in awe of Jensen. How calm he’s being, how smart. It’s genius to keep repeating their names, to keep repeating her name. Jensen is trying to pull her back to reality with the strength and conviction of his voice. Jared resists any urge to chime in. He knows instinctively that bringing her attention back to him would be a very bad move. He’d been stunned stupid before, but now he’s back in the game. He says a quick prayer and does what he’s done so many times before. He puts his faith in his best friend.

In his peripheral vision, Jared can see the other girls moving away and he hopes like hell they’re going for help. Jensen is still talking to Laurie, still using that same soft tone and Jared lets himself get wrapped up in the steady, familiar cadence. _C’mon, Jen. You can do this. I know you can._

The girls must have reached someone, because suddenly there’s shouting in the distance and people are rushing toward them. Time is running out. Laurie swings the gun around until it’s pointing at Jensen.

“This is your fault. You were supposed to kill him. You promised your father, Dean. He’d be so ashamed of you right now.”

Jared feels reality tear once more when he sees the gun aimed at Jensen. 

And it makes _no_ sense, because Jensen’s not shying away. He’s just standing there waiting for her to shoot. That’s when it dawns on Jared that this entire time Jensen’s been keeping all of the attention focused on himself. Away from Jared. He’s been protecting Jared, and Jared hadn’t even noticed because it was the one natural, _normal_ thing in this whole surreal nightmare. When the implications of that thought sink in, Jared moves reflexively forward, because there’s just no fucking way Jensen is taking a bullet for Jared. No fucking way.

It happens in freeze frame after that.

Jared lurches forward.

The gun swings his direction.

Jensen takes a single step to the right.

There’s the initial crack of the gunshot and the ring of the reverb.

Jared is screaming – 

and Jensen is falling.


	2. Chapter 2

Jared’s forward momentum is enough to keep them from hitting the ground when Jensen slams back into him, but the force of the impact momentarily knocks the air from his lungs. His arms automatically go around Jensen’s smaller form, one across Jen’s chest and one at his waist. The smell of cordite is thick in the air and Jared’s ears are still ringing with the echo of the gunshot. _Gunshot_. Holy Mother of God, Jensen’s been _shot_.

“Jen? Oh, my God. _Jensen_.” Jared sinks to his knees, turning Jensen in his arms and laying him down as gently as possible. His gaze is drawn like a magnet to the alarming bloom of red that’s already growing in the center of Jensen’s chest. It’s like Jared’s own personal Rorschach test, layered with infinite meanings, obvious and oblique. He’ll wrap his mind around it later, really he will, but right now Jensen is bleeding out in front of him, and Jared just can’t let that happen. 

He whips his coat off to get at the softer flannel he’s wearing underneath. Folding the shirt into a sloppy square, he covers the spreading stain and pushes down. Hard. Jensen lets out a pained grunt. 

Forget torn, the fabric of reality has been _shredded_ now. Jared feels hot all over, weighted down. Slow, like even the simplest thought has to work it’s way through molasses to get to clarity. On one level he thinks it’s all some kind of hallucination he’s having, on another he knows every detail is all too true. There was a girl. There was a gun. Jensen was shot. Jensen is bleeding.

Oh, shit. _Where’s the girl_? 

Jared tenses, half expecting to feel the burn of a bullet in his own back. He’s been so focused on Jensen he hasn’t even considered the possibility of a continued threat. Frantically, he looks over to where she was standing and sees that she’s not standing anymore. She’s on the ground too, under a couple of crew members who must have tackled her after she got off the shot.

Other details penetrate Jared’s haze just enough for him to register what’s going on around him. He hears the pounding of footsteps running toward them. Kim is shouting for someone to call 911, _right the fuck now_. There are women crying, maybe Shannon and Jeannie, maybe the fans from the sidelines. Jared doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. He tunes everything out that isn’t Jensen.

It feels like hours, but it all happens in less than a minute.

\+ || + || +

Jensen is gasping for every breath, and the warmth of his blood is drenching the cloth beneath Jared’s hand. Too much, too fast. Jared _knows_ it, but there’s fuck all he can do about it. He’s not a doctor; he’s never even played one. Basic first aid is all he can give and it’s not enough. It’s just not going to be enough. He presses down on the wound as hard as he can, wincing when Jensen jolts. “’M sorry. God, Jen. I’m sorry, but I have to. I’m so sorry.”

Jensen is trying to say something, but can’t get enough air to force it out. His mouth moves without sound. He reaches up and grabs a handful of Jared’s t-shirt, pulling Jared closer, trying to make him understand.

“What, Jen? What?”

Jensen tries again to speak. And maybe he actually does, or maybe Jared reads his lips, or maybe it’s telepathy, but Jared gets what he’s trying to say. Three words. Three words that knock Jared on his ass because it’s so typically Jensen to be worried about Jared when he’s the one lying there with a sucking chest wound.

“Am _I_ okay?” Jared’s practically hysterical, but he’s not going to stop to apologize for it. “Yes, I’m okay, you fucking idiot. You saved me. Happy now?”

Jensen’s lips form a ghost of a smile as he loosens his grip on Jared’s shirt and flattens his palm over Jared’s heart. Just like usual. Just like always. It would be enough to make Jared break down and cry, if he had the time to spare.

Every minute counts.

Jared leans over Jensen and cups his free hand around the back of Jensen’s head, tilting him so they can lock eyes. “Don’t you leave me, Jensen. Don’t you fucking leave me.”

Jared tells himself that it’s an acknowledgement, a promise that he sees in Jensen’s eyes – just before they flutter closed. 

\+ || + || +

There are six quarts of blood in the human body. Jared watches the Discovery Channel. He knows these things. It’s useful when playing Trivial Pursuit. However, it’s not very comforting when sitting in a hospital waiting room, staring at your hands. He’s hypnotized by the smears of red. It’s everywhere, under his nails, coating his skin, soaking his clothes. How much could Jensen possibly have remaining in his body, if he left this much with Jared?

The nurse on duty in reception had taken one look at Jared and gently suggested that he might want to go home and get cleaned up. The look she received in return had her turning quickly and returning to her desk. Jared supposes it was less than gentle. Any patience Jared may have had with medical personnel had worn paper-thin when he had to beg the paramedic to let him ride in the ambulance with Jensen. 

Jensen is in surgery. When they’d arrived at the emergency room there had been a flurry of activity before Jensen had been rushed to the operating room. Jared had stayed at Jensen’s side until the last possible second, but Jensen hadn’t regained consciousness since he’d passed out in the park. Jared is afraid to think of what that might mean.

Jared is afraid to think at all.

\+ || + || +

Jensen has been in surgery for two hours. Jared isn’t alone while he waits, but he might as well be. People keep coming and going, asking him questions, trying to offer comfort. He’d talked to the Police Constable because he’d had to, but past that he just doesn’t have the energy. He can’t talk any more about what happened, it’s all too raw. He can’t allow himself to be comforted, because he’ll fall to pieces if he does. All he can do is wait.

He takes coffee when it’s pressed into his hands, but refuses food. At some point, a production assistant shows up with a change of clothes from set. Jared cleans up the best he can in the bathroom, but there’s not enough soap to wash Jensen’s blood from his hands.

It’s hour three before Jared remembers Harley and Sadie. He asks Kim to send someone to the house to take care of them, maybe even take them to the kennel he boards them at when he has to leave town. Jared knows that he’s not going home tonight. He’s not leaving until he is positive Jensen will be fine. He thinks he’s probably going to be here a long time.

Kim nods in understanding. “Sure, Jared. Don’t worry about a thing. We’ll take care of it.”

Kim has been great, followed the ambulance to the hospital, arriving just in time to be there for Jared as they whisked Jensen away from him. Kim called Eric and Eric had called Jensen’s parents. Jared feels a pang of guilt at that because it should have been him to make the call, but truthfully, he knows he never would have made it through without breaking down. And he cannot breakdown. Not yet. Not when the only person who could possibly put him back together again is on a table down the hall fighting for his life.

Fifteen minutes into hour number four, Kim sits down next to him and places a hand on Jared’s knee. “Have you called your folks, Jay?”

Jared’s eyes sting at the nickname that usually only Jensen uses and he shakes his head.

“You should. Sandy too.” Kim pauses. “It’s going to hit the news. They’ll want to know that you’re okay.”

Jared sighs, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall. “I’m not okay, Kim.”

“I know, kiddo. I know.”

\+ || + || +

Hour five finds Jared standing outside the hospital entrance, cell phone in hand. Kim has a point. There are calls Jared needs to make before the news breaks. He knows he has to, he just doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to hear the concern in his mother’s voice or deal with the inevitable freak out he’s going to get when he tells Sandy what happened. He pages back and forth in his contacts list. Mom or Sandy? Sandy or Mom?

He starts with Sandy. Jared gives her a brief outline of the day’s events, but spares her the details. _The sound of the shot. The sticky heat of Jensen’s blood._ He downplays the danger he’d been in, but doesn’t have to stretch at all to make Jensen the hero.

Sandy offers to take the first flight. Jared scrambles to find a plausible rationale for why she shouldn’t, because saying “I don’t want you here” seems a little harsh, even if it’s true. Sandy tends to expect Jared’s full attention whenever she’s with him, and Jared’s attention is decidedly elsewhere.

“Sweetie, you don’t have to fly up. It wasn’t me who…” _Got shot. Couldn’t breathe._ Jared nearly chokes on the words he’s not saying. He takes a deep breath. “I’m fine.”

“Jared, I’m your fiancé. I should be by your side at a time like this.”

It’s not I _want_ , or I _need_ , or even _you need_. It’s I _should_. Jared hears the difference, and right there is why he doesn’t want her coming, but there is really nothing he can do about it.

“Call me with your flight information. I’ll send a car.”

“You’ll send a car?”

So it begins. 

“Sandy, I can’t leave the hospital.”

“You’re not his doctor, Jared. You can leave the hospital. You just don’t want to.”

“Fine. I don’t _want_ to leave the hospital. And we’re done talking about this. Come if you want. Call me if you want. I’ve got to talk to my parents and then I’ve got to go back inside. They could finish any minute.”

“Jared.”

“He could die, Sandy. How do you not get that? Jensen could _die_. I really don’t want to fight with you right now.”

“Of course not, baby. I’m sorry.”

The silence that follows holds Sandy’s expectation of a return apology. Even though he’d rather bang his head against a wall, Jared gives it just to get off the phone.

Jensen has been in surgery for over five hours, Sandy is on her way to Vancouver, and Jared _still_ has to call his Mom.

He’s pretty sure this is the worst day of his life.

\+ || + || +

Jared manages to get through the conversation with his mother without sobbing like a little kid, but it’s a near thing. Like Sandy, she offers to come up right away. He thanks her for the thought, but ultimately says “no thanks.” As much as he’d love to have someone here to lean on, too many people are on their way already. There’s Jensen’s family, Eric and Sera, and of course, Sandy. Jared hasn’t talked to Chris or Steve, but he’s sure that someone has, just like he’s sure that as soon as they hear they’ll be burning rubber to the nearest airport. Add in all the Supernatural staff milling around, the cops coming in and out, and the reporters gathering like vultures downstairs and it’s a regular three-ring circus. Jesus, won’t Jensen just _hate_ that when he wakes up.

_If_ he wakes up.

_No_. He’s not going there. Hell, no. Jensen _will_ wake up. He will make it through surgery and he’ll be _fine_. Anything else is unacceptable, unimaginable. Jensen is not going to die. Jared has to believe that, he has to hold on to that. Because if he doesn’t, if he let’s himself think for even one second that he could lose Jensen, he’ll go out of his mind.

Jared simply can’t picture a world without Jensen in it.

\+ || + || +

Six and half hours after Jensen’s wheeled away from Jared, a man wearing a white coat over stained scrubs walks into the waiting room and introduces himself to Jared and the others. “Hi, I’m Paul Brennan. I’m the surgeon who operated on Jensen.”

The words rush out of Jared even as he rises to his feet. “How is he? Can I see him?”

“Are you a family member?”

Jared flinches. “Not exactly. His parents are on their way. But they’re coming in from Texas and they won’t be here for hours. I’m Jared Padalecki. I work with Jensen. He’s my best friend. Please, don’t tell me we have to wait until his folks get here for you to tell us anything.” Jared is almost hyperventilating. There’s no way he can wait that long to find out what’s going on with Jensen.

The doctor places a conciliatory hand on Jared’s arm. “It’s okay, Jared. I spoke with Jensen’s father before surgery. He specifically told me that I could talk to you about Jensen’s condition.”

“So, talk. _Please_.”

“Why don’t we sit down?”

“I don’t want to sit down. I’ve been sitting here for _hours_. Please, Dr. Brennan. Just tell me. How is he?”

“Call me Paul, Jared. I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other.” With that the doctor moves over to the chairs and takes a seat, basically forcing Jared to join him. “Jensen is holding his own.”

_Holding his own_. It’s not exactly what Jared was hoping to hear. It doesn’t sound like ‘fine’ or ‘on the mend’. It sounds ominous. It sounds dangerous. It sounds like Laurie saying “ _Hello, Sam_.” 

Jared suppresses a shudder. “What exactly does that mean?”

“Jensen was shot in the chest.”

Jared can’t stop the cutting edge in his voice. “I know. I was there.”

There’s horrified sympathy in the doctor’s eyes. “Right. Sorry.” Paul clears his throat before he continues. “The bullet entered the chest in the upper left quadrant, narrowly missing the heart and piercing Jensen’s lung. We’ve repaired the damage, but the procedure was a delicate one. And time consuming. It put considerable strain on Jensen’s system. There were two cardiac events during surgery…”

Jared interrupts. “Wait. Cardiac events? You mean his heart stopped?”

“With this sort of injury, the blood loss involved, his body just…”

“You’re telling me he died?”

“Technically, yes, but we got him back.”

Paul keeps talking but Jared can’t hear over the buzzing in his ears, can’t see for all the bright spots flashing before his eyes. Jensen’s heart stopped. Jensen actually died. _Twice_. Jared is taking deep gulping breaths and he still can’t get enough air. Paul stops talking about Jensen and starts telling Jared to breathe instead, forcing Jared’s head to his knees with a firm hand at the nape of Jared’s neck.

“Easy, Jared. In and out. C’mon, slowly. In and out.”

Jared takes direction like the actor he is and in a few moments both the buzzing and the spots fade away. He sits up slowly. “I’m okay.”

Paul nods, but keeps a watchful eye. “I know this is scary, but you need to focus on the positive. Jensen made it through surgery. He _is_ holding his own. The initial damage has been repaired. The human body has an amazing capacity to heal itself and Jensen is a young man in superb physical condition. If we can keep him stable for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours, keep him clear of any infection, his chances for a full recovery are excellent.”

“Can I see him? I wanna see him.”

“We’re keeping him sedated. He’s in an induced coma.”

“I _need_ to see him. You don’t understand. He’s here because of me. I have to… I just need to… _Please_.”

“Okay, but only for a few minutes. Then I think you should go home and get some rest. Consider it doctor’s orders.”

Jared will agree to anything at this point if it gets him in to see Jensen. He promises he will, even though he knows he won’t. He’s not going anywhere.

\+ || + || +

After Dr. Brennan leaves, it’s not long before a nurse comes to take Jared to see Jensen. This late in the day, there’s little activity in the recovery room and Jensen is it’s sole occupant. Jared stops dead in his tracks when he catches sight of him.

There are beeping machines and IV lines. There’s a tube in Jensen’s mouth and a sound that Jared identifies as the whoosh-whoosh of a ventilator. Jensen lies unmoving, paler than the white sheet he’s resting on. He hasn’t been put in a gown yet, there probably hasn’t been time, but there’s a blanket covering him to halfway up his chest. Jared can clearly see the upper part of the large square bandage that covers Jensen’s wound. 

It is eerily like the hospital scene from _In My Time of Dying_. Jared actually has a split second hiccup where he loses track of the difference between Jensen and Dean, between Jared and Sam. What’s his line supposed to be? Something about just starting to be brothers again? Jared barks out a harsh sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and shakes himself out of it. Absently, he wonders if this is how it felt for Laurie when the line between fantasy and reality started to blur. As quickly as she enters his thoughts, he dismisses her. She has no place here.

Jared _knows_ who he is. He is not Sam Winchester. This is no scene. This is _Jensen_ , not Dean. And Jensen may very well be the textbook example of a method actor, but he wasn’t channeling Dean Winchester when he stepped in front of Jared. Jensen doesn’t have to slip into Dean’s skin to be a good man – to be a hero. He’s already all of that and more. Jared is lucky to have him and he knows it. 

Jared brushes the pads of his fingers across the top of Jensen’s hand and listens to the steady beep of the heart monitor. He whispers the words that Eric wrote for Sam to say, even though he knows exactly who he is and exactly who he’s speaking to.

“You can’t go, man. Not now.” _You can’t go_.

\+ || + || +

What little sleep Jared gets, he gets sitting upright in a waiting room chair. It’s catch as catch can, twenty minutes here, and thirty minutes there. When he’s not being woken by someone either coming or going, he’s being shocked awake by fractured nightmares.

Everyone but Kim left when Jensen was moved from Recovery to ICU. They know Jensen isn’t waking up any time soon, so there’s hardly any a point in all of them hanging around. Jared can’t bring himself to go home. He knows he isn’t going to be able to see Jensen again tonight, but that doesn’t matter. He just wants to be here, where Jensen is.

Eric and Sera arrive at ten. Since they were among the first to hear about the shooting, they managed to catch one of the last flights out of L.A. Sera hugs Jared hard, but doesn’t say anything. Jared appreciates that. She’s probably the best writer he knows, but sometimes there just aren’t words. She sits with him quietly as Kim brings Eric up to speed. 

Another production assistant shows up with enough take-out to feed a small army, or Jared on a normal day. When Jared tries to refuse a plate, Kim doesn’t let him. “Eat, Jared. I know better than to try to get you to go home, but you have to eat. You’re not going to do Jensen any good if you don’t take care of yourself.”

Sandy, Chris and Steve are all booked on the first flight in the morning. Sandy had texted him an hour after their call: _Me, CK, SC on 8 am fr LAX. Will find own way to hosp._ It’s difficult to discern mood in a text message, but Jared thinks she’s a little bit pissed.

At one a.m., Eric and Sera leave to find a hotel. Kim stays with Jared. When Jared raises an eyebrow, Kim just shrugs. “Lost the coin toss with Kripke.”

Jared wants to hug him, but Kim’s not really the hugging kind. 

The Ackles family is on their way. Jared isn’t sure when they’re getting in, but it won’t be until sometime tomorrow. Jared had talked to Donna briefly while they were waiting at DFW, but the details of their itinerary have totally slipped his mind. He’s had too much coffee and not enough sleep. He’s worn down and strung out and this is only the beginning of what promises to be a long road back for Jensen. 

One of the night nurses takes pity on them after watching Jared try to fold himself like a pretzel in that damned chair for hours. She leads them to a vacant room not far from the ICU. There are two empty beds. Kim is snoring in minutes. Jared stares at the ceiling, his thoughts racing.

Now that he can finally sleep, he’s afraid to. He doesn’t want to dream. Doesn’t want to see this entire day on instant replay, in vivid Technicolor complete with surround sound. The crack of the shot. The noise Jensen made when the bullet hit his body. Jensen falling. Jensen bleeding. His own voice begging. Everything, all over again, playing on constant loop. 

But, you don’t always have to sleep to dream. Jared knows now that there are waking nightmares. He’s going to be seeing it all no matter what, so he might as well try to rest.

He closes his eyes.

\+ || + || +

When Jared wakes, Sandy is sitting next to the bed flipping through a _Cosmo_.

He bolts upright. If Sandy’s here, then it’s got to be late morning. Which means he slept for hours. _Anything_ could have happened. Jared tamps down the rising panic. “How’s Jensen? What time is it?”

Sandy looks at him coolly. “Hello to you too, Jared. My flight was fine, thank you.”

“Sandy, please. How is he?”

“There’s no news. Some doctor came looking for you earlier and when he found out you were asleep, he told us not to wake you. So, I assume that’s a good thing.”

Jared stands and plucks Sandy right out of the chair, squeezing her tight. “Thank you.” He buries his face in hair. “Hi, baby. How was your flight?”

It takes a minute, but she squeezes back. “It was fine. Chris and Steve are out getting breakfast. How are you?”

Jared has to think about that. Physically, he’s fine - exhausted but fine. Mentally, he’s not doing so well. He’s reeling from the events of yesterday and swimming in worry for Jensen, but there’s more than one reason to not dump that on Sandy. Jared doesn’t want to scare her with talk of crazy girls and guns. Sharing the myriad of feelings about Jensen that are swamping him is totally out of the question. He sticks to the surface, where they’ll both be more comfortable. “I’m doing okay.”

She stretches up to kiss him. “Good. That’s want I wanted to hear.”

_I know_ , Jared thinks, _that’s the only reason I said it_.

So what if it’s not the truth?

\+ || + || +

Jared uses the shower in the borrowed room to get cleaned up. When he makes his way back out to the waiting room, the entire Ackles family is there. Mackenzie flies into his arms. Alan and Donna’s approach is more reserved. Jared releases Jensen’s sister and pulls Donna to him as he stretches out a hand to shake Alan’s.

“Sir.” 

“Jared.”

“Have they brought you up to date on Jensen?”

Alan nods, seemingly at a loss for anything more to say.

Jared has never quite warmed up to Jensen’s father. He adores Donna, Mac is like another sister, and Josh could be Jeff’s brain twin. But Alan — Jared’s always had a hard a time figuring Alan out. He knows that the man loves Jensen, but there’s always a tension there. Jared’s pretty sure it goes back to when Jensen came out to his family, but he’s never had the guts to ask him for the full story.

He thinks he can guess, though. Alan loves his son, but he’s also a firm believer in traditional values. He was raised in the South, raised up in the church. Reconciling his own belief system with an acceptance of Jensen’s lifestyle has got to be difficult for Alan. He seems to succeed for the most part. Sometimes, though, sometimes Jared senses a reserve to Alan when they’re all in the same room together. As if Alan is looking at Jensen, judging him and finding him lacking. 

Sometimes, Jared thinks that Alan is looking at _him_ and speculating. _Just exactly how close are you to my son?_

It makes Jared uncomfortable. He doesn’t like being judged by someone, and he likes the idea of Jensen being judged even less. He’s never had a better friend than Jensen. Circumstances threw them together, but something indefinable made them click, drew them close. Jared has no problem with the fact that Jensen is gay. His own experimentation before he met Sandy aside, he’s just not the kind of guy to think less of other people for what they do or who they love. Jared is honored that Jensen trusts him enough to share that side of his life. He guards that confidence like the precious gift that it is.

Alan is still searching for words, so Jared decides to diffuse the tension. He pulls Sandy into the little circle they’ve formed. “You remember Sandy, right? Did Jensen have a chance to tell you that we got engaged a few weeks ago?”

Alan is shaking Jared’s hand again, Josh is slapping his back and all of the women are gushing and cooing. Everyone’s relieved to have something to be happy about, if only for a little while.

Jared’s just glad to erase the question from Alan’s eyes, since he’s not exactly sure how to answer it anymore.

\+ || + || +

A routine of sorts develops over the next thirty-six hours. Jensen is only allowed two visitors for ten minutes every hour. Usually, visitation is restricted to family members, but the hospital staff makes an exception for Jared. They set up a loose schedule. Alan and Donna, Josh and Mackenzie, then Jared. Repeat and repeat again.

Jared lives for those ten minutes. Every three hours, for a short time, he can set his imagination to rest and put away the worst-case scenarios that run through his mind when Jensen is out of his sight. He spends most of the time talking, catching Jensen up on all the stuff that happened while they were apart during the strike. He tells him about Europe and his parent’s new dog. Other times, he’s quiet, just watching Jensen and listening to him breathe. It’s strange. Jared almost lost him, and the harsh truth is that he still might, but he’s never felt closer to him than he does here in this room.

When he comes out after visit number three, Chris is waiting in the hallway. Jared is treading carefully around Chris. He knows that he’s been given privileges that Chris, who has known Jensen longer, has not. He wonders if the other man resents him for that.

“How’s he look?”

Jared relaxes at Chris’ easy tone and says the first thing that comes to mind. “He looks like Sleeping Beauty.” His cheeks warm immediately, because Jesus, _Freudian much_?

Chris is laughing his ass off. “Man, I am so telling him you said that! He’s gonna kill you, son.”

Jared response is sheepish. “Yeah, well. Whatever.”

The hours drag by. People come and go. Steve and Chris spend most of their time huddled together in a corner, while Sandy works her way through every magazine the gift shop has available. Mackenzie only strays from her mother’s side when one of them is in with Jensen and Alan goes to the Chapel a lot. Jared never leaves the hospital.

When Jensen’s condition starts to improve steadily, everyone’s mood improves in direct relation.

\+ || + || +

On day two, The Powers that Be decide that a press conference is necessary to tame the throng of reporters camped out in the lobby. It’s sheer luck that some photographer hasn’t made it through security to get at the family or God forbid, snap a picture of Jensen in ICU. Eric and Sera enlist the hospital P.R. department and ask the Vancouver Police to send a representative to participate. Eric is bull-headed and Sera is very organized so it’s a done deal in a matter of hours.

Eric, Kim, Dr. Brennan, and Detective Constable Smythe appear in front of the media at two o’clock. Jared watches on the ceiling mounted TV in the waiting room. Jensen’s family is downstairs at the press conference, not at the table, just in the room. Sandy’s gone out for more magazines, or maybe coffee, Jared wasn’t really paying attention.

Jared is alone when Kim starts to talk about what happened in the park. He listens and it’s almost like it happened to someone else. The D.C. talks about Laurie without identifying her by name. She’s not the “suspect” because there’s no doubt of guilt, but he does reference a long history of mental illness. Eric takes the opportunity to interject that it was not a fan that committed this act of violence. It wasn’t about the show, it was simply a delusion born of an unfortunate girl’s schizophrenia.

Paul talks about Jensen’s injury and his long-term prognosis. When they open the floor for questions, the room erupts in a chorus of shouts. Typically, it’s Kim who takes charge, pointing to one reporter and then another. 

An attractive blonde stands up when Kim acknowledges her and identifies herself as a reporter for E!. “This is probably for Kim and Eric. There’s been some speculation that Jared Padalecki was injured in the attack as well. Could you comment on that?”

Eric fields the question. “Jared is fine. There’s not a scratch on him.” 

Jared winces because isn’t _that_ the truth, and there’s this little voice inside of him that’s been repeating _it should have been you, it should have been you_ since the moment Jensen started to fall.

The blond from E! won’t let it go. “Jared hasn’t been seen by anyone since the shooting. What can you tell us about that?”

Kim loses all patience and leans into the microphone. “I can tell you that plenty of people have seen Jared. Everyone sitting at this table saw him not an hour ago. _You_ haven’t seen him because he rode in with Jensen and he hasn’t left since. Next question.”

It goes on like that for about twenty minutes. The last question is back to Dr. Brennan. _How is Jensen doing now?_ Paul talks about the induced coma and Jensen’s recent improvement. He mentions that the medical team is considering easing off on the medication and bringing Jensen around. He is cautiously optimistic.

Jared smiles for the first time in two days.

\+ || + || +

Late in the evening, approximately forty-six hours into Dr. Brennan’s forty-eight hour window, Jensen spikes a fever. And all bets are off.

\+ || + || +

They’re in a private conference room off the ICU. Dr. Brennan is talking about post-operative infections and aggressive antibiotic therapies, but all Jared can hear is white noise. Time is doing that slip-sliding thing it did at the park, where everything’s moving too fast and feeling too slow. There are a lot of medical terms being delivered with professional detachment, and even though Jared couldn’t tell you the definitions, he knows what they _mean_. Paul isn’t feeling cautiously optimistic anymore. He’s preparing the family for the worst.

Jensen is in trouble.

Jared looks around the table to see how the others are processing the information, if it’s making any sense for them, because it sure as hell isn’t making any for him. Jensen was better, damnit. They were going to wake him up. It was all going to be fine.

Josh has Mackenzie pulled close to his side, tucked under his arm. The line of his mouth is grim, while Mackenzie’s eyes are wide with fear. Donna is clinging to Alan’s hand. Her eyes shine, but there are no tears. When Paul finishes with his explanations, it’s quiet. Too quiet.

Jared’s gaze settles on Alan. Jensen’s father is sitting straight in his chair, allowing his wife to cling, yet offering no other obvious signs of comfort. Jared can’t quite identify the expression Alan’s wearing, but it definitely isn’t panic or confusion, or any of the other million feelings that are rushing through Jared.

Alan’s tone almost matches Paul’s in the detachment department. “Thank you, Doctor. We know you’ll do the best you can.” He turns to his family. “We should pray.”

Acceptance. The expression on Alan’s face is acceptance. He’s putting his faith in God and the doctors. He’s giving up. He’s letting go. Maybe some people would find that admirable, but Jared isn’t one of them. Jared believes in God. He believes in the power of faith, but he doesn’t believe that relieves him of any responsibility to act. He doesn’t believe that he’s powerless to affect the course of his own life. He _can’t_ believe that, because if he believes that then there’s _nothing_ he can do. And if there is nothing he can do…

Jared pushes back from the table, shaking his head at Mac when she reaches out a hand to include him in their prayer. “Sorry. I can’t.” As he rises to his feet, he can feel their shock and disappointment. He fumbles to explain. “It feels too much like…I just can’t do this. Look, I _know_ Jensen. I know that he’s fighting. And he needs us to fight with him. _This_ … well, this just doesn’t feel like fighting to me. I’m sorry.”

He pauses at the door, turns and looks to Donna. Jensen got his eyes from his mother, and looking into that deep green now, Jared finds understanding and maybe even a little gratitude. Alan may never forgive him for walking away from this, but at least Donna knows.

\+ || + || +

Out in the hallway, Jared takes five steps towards Jensen’s room before he remembers. Fever. Infection. No visitors allowed. _Fuck_.

He can’t see Jensen. He can’t go back into that conference room. The waiting room is full of people who will want to know what’s going on and he can’t be the one to tell them. He simply isn’t capable of having that conversation. He doesn’t know where to go. He doesn’t know what to _do_.

For all of his vehemence earlier, he truly is helpless. The realization almost brings him to his knees. He’s been on autopilot since the shooting, going through the motions, coping. He’s been scared, horrified and numb by turns, but he’s maintained a rigid control on any outward expression of his internal chaos. He hasn’t allowed himself to break down. That may have been a mistake, because Jared’s façade is starting to crack.

And the breakdown is going to be epic.

Jared goes from _I’m not leaving_ to _I’ve got to get out of here_ in fifteen seconds flat. To his left, there is a door marked “Stairs.” It makes a loud metallic clang when Jared slams it open. He hesitates. Up or down? Down means the outside world. Freedom. _Reporters_. Up it is, then.

He takes the stairs as fast as he can, not thinking, just moving. By the time he hits the sixth floor landing, his brain kicks in enough to ask _Just where in the fuck do you think you’re going?_ He stops moving. His harsh, panting breaths echo in the cavernous acoustics of the stairwell.

Jared’s exhaustion gets the better of him and he collapses back against the wall, sliding down until his butt hits the concrete floor. He raises his knees to his chest, burying his face in his crossed arms. He takes a deep, gulping breath and the tears finally come.

Jared is not what you would call a “pretty” crier. Anyone who’s seen _Heart_ can tell you that. He’s sloppy and snotty and just all around messy when he cries. He can’t help it; it’s always been that way, ever since he was a little kid. Jared is often jealous of Jensen’s ability to shed the one perfect tear. He couldn’t do that if his life depended on it. Jared’s emotions usually pour out of him, the good and the bad. He wears his heart on his sleeve. It’s part and parcel of who he his. Usually, it’s a good thing. Today, it hurts like hell.

Jared just gives himself over to it. Curled in on himself like a wounded animal, sobbing like a child. He lets himself feel the grief, the guilt, and the abject terror that he’s been stuffing down for the last two days. 

He hopes he doesn’t drown in the flood.

\+ || + || +

By the time the tears taper off, Jared’s muscles are cramped and his butt is numb. He might be feeling a little better, but it’s too soon to tell. Mostly, he feels tired, like he could fall asleep like this, no problem at all.

The door creaks open and there’s the sound of rubber-soled shoes on concrete coming to a stop. He feels the touch of a hand on his forearm as someone crouches down in front of him. A soft, feminine voice asks, “Hey, are you okay?” 

Jared raises his head and wipes his nose on his sleeve. “Do I look okay?” It’s not exactly rude, but it’s not very nice either, and his momma raised him better. He back pedals in a hurry. “Sorry, I just…”

She’s a nurse, judging by the scrubs, and she’s already shaking her head as Jared’s mumbling out his apology. “No. Don’t be sorry. It was a stupid question.” She smiles gently and keeps her hand on his arm. “I’m Karen. And you’re Jared Padalecki.”

Jared’s a little surprised to be recognized, given where he is and how he looks. She just shrugs. “We don’t get celebrities in here every day. It’s kind of a big deal, what with the extra security and the reporters and all.” She pauses and then there’s the slightest hint of a blush. “And I watch the show.”

Jared has to grin at her discomfort. “You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know. I’m actually on the show, how do you think I feel?”

If anything, the blush only intensifies. “Right. Sorry.”

Jared starts to unfold from his position on the floor. “So, I should probably get out of your way.”

“You’re not in my way. I was just headed down to the cafeteria.” She seems to be considering something. “Can I buy you a cup of coffee? You look like you could use it.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I didn’t mean… Crap, I just can’t keep my foot out of my mouth can I?”

“Don’t sweat it. Really. Coffee would be great, but I can’t go to the cafeteria. I don’t want to run the risk of bumping into a reporter.”

Karen reaches for the door. “Of course. C’mon, I’ll take you to our break room. There’s no food, but no reporters either, so there is that.”

Jared stands and stretches until his spine pops. He thinks a quiet place and a sympathetic ear may be just what he needs to regain his equilibrium. He’s been surrounded by people since the whole ordeal began, but there’s been no one he felt he could talk to. Maybe it’s vain, but he doesn’t want to appear anything less than strong in front of Eric and Kim. There’s too much baggage with Jensen’s family, too many complications to be honest with Sandy, and too much guilt to look Chris and Steve in the eyes.

He assesses his would-be guardian angel. He’s got a good feeling about her, like all she truly wants is to help. And talking to someone who doesn’t have any preconceived notions will be a welcome relief. Jared trusts his instincts, so he smiles and nods. “Sounds good. Lead the way.”

Jared leaves his pre-breakdown mask shattered on the floor behind him.

\+ || + || +

The coffee in the break room is truly awful, but it’s hot and it has caffeine, so Jared’s not complaining. He and Karen are sitting on a lumpy couch, in opposite corners. It’s light years more comfortable than the waiting room chairs and Jared’s whole body is humming with gratitude. He’s not exactly relaxed, but he’s as close to it as he’ll be feeling for the foreseeable future.

There’s an elephant in the room, though, and Jared’s respect for Karen grows when she tackles it head on. “How is Jensen?”

“Not good.”

“Post-operative infection?”

“Yep.”

“There are several excellent medications to fight that, Jared. I’m sure Dr. Brennan explained all of that to you.”

“He did. Used a bunch of five-syllable words and everything. Doesn’t help a lot, though.” Jared closes his eyes. “He told us to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.”

Karen winces. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, Jared. He has to say that. He won’t make promises that he can’t keep.”

“I know. But Jensen’s family, it’s like they only heard the last part. They’re preparing for the worst.” He pauses. “I’m hoping for the best.”

“I’m sure they’re hoping too, Jared. Maybe not in the same way as you…”

“They wanted me to pray with them. I couldn’t do it.”

“You don’t believe?”

“Oh, I believe. I’m just not ready to give it all over to God yet. It seems like a last resort to me. I just can’t…” He stutters to a stop, throat clogging.

“Can’t what?”

Jared doesn’t answer. He takes a few seconds to regain his composure, opens his eyes. “Do you know how it happened?”

“Only what they said at the press conference. That the girl is ill, that it was about some delusion she was caught in the middle of.”

“It wasn’t even Jensen she came after. Wasn’t exactly me either. She came for Sam. Thought she’d do the world a favor and kill the Anti-Christ.”

Karen makes a shocked sound. 

“Yeah, exactly. She came to kill me, only she got Jensen instead.”

Karen scoots closer to Jared and takes his hand. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it? Jensen stepped in front of me. On _purpose_. He knew exactly what he was doing, the stupid sonofabitch.”

“Oh.” There’s a wealth of understanding in that single syllable.

“I refuse to believe Jensen could die. It can’t happen. He doesn’t go out this way. He lives to be ninety-nine and goes peacefully in his sleep. He does not die because of _me_.”

“Jared.”

“He can’t die, Karen. He _can’t_. If Jensen dies… If I lose him…”

She grips his hand tightly, doesn’t try to offer platitudes, just holds on tight. 

There’s a sheen in Jared’s eyes, but he’s all out of tears. He clears his throat. “He’s my best friend.”

One simple phrase carries the weight of everything Jensen means to Jared, of everything Jared feels for him.

Jared knows that if he loses Jensen, nothing will ever be right again.

_He’s my best friend_.

\+ || + || +

Jared spends an hour on the lumpy break room couch, talking with Karen. She answers questions he hadn’t been together enough to ask Dr. Brennan earlier. She listens to him babble. And babble he does. He tells her all about how he met Jensen. How they hit it off right away. What it’s been like being on Supernatural, with the pranks and the laughs and all the hard work. He only talks about the good stuff. He can’t bring himself to talk about the shooting and she doesn’t push.

It’s good. It’s great. It’s like turning a valve to relieve some of the pressure that’s built up. He can actually feel it draining away. Not all of it by any means, just enough that he doesn’t feel like he’s about to burst anymore. When Karen has to go back to work, he feels duty bound to give her a hug.

“Thanks. You’ve been fantastic. This is just what I needed.”

She smiles and hugs him back. “You’re welcome, Jared. And for whatever it’s worth, I think you’re right not to give up. Don’t quit fighting, okay?”

“I won’t.”

\+ || + || +

When Jared makes his way back to the waiting room, only Sandy and Chris are there. Sandy looks up from her well-thumbed magazine and the pinched expression on her face has Jared feeling the pressure build all over again.

“Where have you been?”

Jared shrugs. He supposes he could dress it up a bit, but what would be the point? It’s not as if his puffy eyes and red nose don’t already tell the tale. “Hiding in the stairwell, bawling like a baby. But the good news is, I feel a little better.”

Chris gives a small snort, but Sandy is not amused. “You can’t keep doing this, Jared. You need to get out of this place, eat some decent food, and get some real rest. Let’s just go home. There’s nothing you can do here, baby, even Jensen folks have gone back to their hotel.”

“No.”

She tenses at his curt refusal. “Jared…”

Jared silences her with a slight jerk of his head. “Hey Chris, I hate to ask, but could you give us the room for a minute?”

“You bet. I’m making a coffee run, you want anything?”

“I’m kind of all coffee’d out. How ‘bout something with bubbles in it?”

“You got it.”

“Thanks, man.”

After Chris leaves, Jared takes the empty seat next to Sandy. He’s not looking forward to what he’s about to do, but he knows it’s the best thing for everyone. He just found some even ground, he can’t afford to lose it.

“Sandy…” He clears his throat and starts again. “I think you should go home.”

“That’s what I’m _saying_.”

“No. I mean _you_ should go home. To L.A.”

“ _Excuse me_?”

“You’re miserable here. There’s nothing for you to do, and you’re going crazy. I can’t leave, Sandy. I don’t want to. And I don’t have it in me right now to worry about keeping you entertained.” _Or whether or not I’m making you mad._

“I came here for you, Jared.”

“I know you did and I know that you’re trying to help. But it’s all I can do to keep it together, and this — this resentment I’m feeling from you is really the last thing I need. I’m sorry if that hurts you, I’m sorry that you don’t seem to understand why I have to do this.”

“You want me to leave.”

Jared sighs. “I should never have let you come. There’s too much going on. I’m sorry.”

Sandy gets jerkily to her feet and Jared follows. When he bends to kiss her cheek, her body is rigid under his hands. He nuzzles her hair anyway. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

Her eyes say _you better_ , but she’s silent as she gathers up her things and goes. And even though he’s sure he’s going to be paying for this later, Jared knows he did the right thing when a big chunk of his tension goes with her.

\+ || + || +

The soda can is ice cold. Jared pops the top as Chris flops down across from him. The two of them have never been exactly close, but they’ve always gotten along. They have Jensen in common, after all. They may not know each other well, but _any friend of Jensen’s_ and all that. Jared knows that Chris is a good man, and he hopes that Chris knows the same of him.

Chris breaks the comfortable silence. “You’re lookin’ better.”

“Feelin’ a little better, I guess.”

“Where’s your girl?”

“Gone home.”

Chris nods. “Probably for the best.”

“Yeah. Don’t think she quite agrees, but yeah.”

“I talked to Josh before they left. I know what happened in there.”

“They mad at me?”

“Don’t think so. And so what if they are? It’s Jensen that matters. And you did right by him, kid. Don’t think for a second you didn’t.”

That’s better than good to hear, to know that Chris believes it. A little more of the pressure slides away. And Jared may be pushing his luck, first Sandy now this, but there’s something else that’s been weighing on him and now is the perfect time to try and get rid of it as well.

“Are _you_ mad at me?”

Chris looks honestly shocked. “Why in the hell would I be mad at you?”

“This. It’s my fault he’s in there.”

Chris’ tone is hard. “You the one that shot him?”

“He was protecting me.” 

“Yes. He was.”

Jared can only manage a whisper. “It should have been me.”

Chris leans forward. “Don’t think our boy Jensen would agree with you, Jared. I think _that’s_ why he’s in there. And I’m scared and I’m angry, but I’m not gonna disrespect his choice by taking any of that out on you. I’m not gonna let you do it either.”

Jared chokes out, “Thanks, just… Thanks.”

Chris smiles and bumps Jared’s knee with his fist. “Nothin’ to it, man.”

And maybe it really is that simple.

\+ || + || +

The next couple of days are like that old adage about flying that Jared once heard: ninety-nine percent of the time it’s sheer boredom, but then it’s interspersed with one percent total panic.

Jensen’s condition is stable most of the time, but sometimes he’s better and sometimes he’s worse. The fever goes up, they try another antibiotic. The fever goes down, they cross their fingers and hope it will hold. It’s a roller coaster, and Jared just wants the ride end. He’s sleep-deprived and grumpy. They all are.

The waiting room is not as full as it had been at the beginning. As things drew on, most of the people left to go back to the business of their lives. Now, it’s Jared, Chris, Steve and Jensen’s family. The few, the faithful. Jared doesn’t mind it, though, because the ones that are left are the most important. They are the people who love Jensen, the people who Jensen loves. It feels right to share the vigil with each of them.

Things are a little tense with Alan, but that’s not surprising after the scene in the conference room. Chris was right about the rest. Nobody is mad at Jared. Mackenzie especially seems to understand and snuggles up to him whenever she has the chance. Jared hangs on to Jensen’s little sister as tight as he can.

Jared is hanging on. He expects Jensen to do the same.

\+ || + || +

On day six, Jensen’s temperature holds steady at 99° for ten hours straight. Dr. Brennan is smiling again when he delivers his updates. The mood in the waiting room lightens. There is more smiling, more laughing, more _hope_.

When Paul announces that it’s time to ease Jensen out of his coma, there is a collective sigh of relief. Anticipation starts building immediately and they bombard the doctor with questions. _How long will it take? When can we see him?_ Jared literally can’t stop bouncing around, and Chris takes to calling him Tigger.

Jared just grins. “Don’t be a hater, man.”

Chris rolls his eyes. “Oh, _shut_ up.”

When the duty nurse notices Jensen starting to rouse, Paul lifts the two at time rule and the entire Ackles family files into Jensen’s room. Jared deflates like a balloon when he is left in the waiting room with Chris and Steve. He tries to stifle his jealousy. He _knows_ they can’t all go in at once. It _should_ be the family in there when Jensen wakes, but he can’t stop the disappointment.

Chris reads it all on Jared’s face. “Take it easy, _Eeyore_. Your turn will come.”

“Fuck you, Kane.”

“Don’t think so, Padalecki. You’re not really my type.”

Jared groans and then they both bust up laughing.

They’re still laughing a minute later when Mackenzie rushes in, screaming Jared’s name.

\+ || + || +

Adrenaline propels Jared to his feet. Mackenzie is staring at him wild-eyed trying to catch her breath. She must have run all the way from Jensen’s room.

Jared tries not to panic. “Mackenzie. _What_?”

She steps forward; grabbing is arm and pulling him to the corridor. “You have to come with me, Jared. You _have_ to.”

“What the hell is going on?”

“Just. Come. _Please_.”

They run down the hall. It doesn’t take two strides before Jared is ahead of Mac, tugging her along as he goes. When they reach Jensen’s room, Alan, Donna and Josh are standing outside the door looking shell-shocked. Jared can see inside to where Jensen is struggling on the bed, surrounded by people doing God knows what.

Jared can’t fathom what’s going on. “What happened?”

Donna shakes her head. “I don’t know. He woke up, he seemed fine. Groggy, but fine. We told him where he was, a little about how he got here. And then he just…” She waves her arm toward the bed helplessly. “He got upset. The monitors went crazy and the nurses came in and kicked us out.” She flounders. “I don’t know…”

Mackenzie speaks up, certainty in her voice. “I know. He was looking at all of us. Then he was looking around the room for someone he couldn’t find.” She tightens her grip on Jared’s arm. “He was looking for Jared.”

Alan frowns. “Mackenzie, I don’t think…”

“He _was_ , Daddy. Think about it. The last thing Jensen probably remembers is that girl with the gun. He probably thinks Jared’s hurt.”

Josh is nodding. “She’s right.”

Mac is pleading now. “You have to get in there, Jared. You have to let him know that you’re okay.”

Jared wants to go in. God, how he _wants_ to, but he can’t just blow by Jensen’s family. _Can he_? He hears a sound from inside, something between a moan and a whimper. It’s Jensen, and he’s in distress, and Jared can’t just _stand_ there and listen to it.

He’s in the room before he knows it, moving people aside until he reaches the end of the bed. He grabs on to the nearest part of Jensen he can reach, his right foot, and squeezes hard.

“ _Jensen_.”

Jensen stops struggling. Jared squeezes again.

“I’m here, Jen. I’m _fine_. I’m right here.”

All of the tension bleeds out of Jensen’s body and he drops back down onto the mattress. Paul looks from Jared to the monitors and then steps aside motioning Jared forward. He speaks to Jared in an undertone as they brush by each other. “We need him to calm down.” 

Jensen’s eyes are frantic as he tries to sit up. Jared realizes that Jensen can hear him, but he can’t _see_ him. Jared leans forward so that Jensen can meet his gaze without injuring himself. “I’m okay, Jen. She didn’t hurt me. I’m right here.”

Jensen blinks and tries to say something despite the tube in his throat.

“Shhhh, Jen. Easy. We can talk later.” Jared gives a watery chuckle. “Hell, I’ll talk your ear off. But you gotta take it easy, okay?”

Jensen’s eyes are locked on Jared’s and what do you know, there’s that telepathy thing again, because Jared can hear Jensen as plain as day. 

_Stay_.

Jared laughs, even though he has tears streaming down his face. Then he repeats what he’s said over and over again, in one form or another, for the last week.

“I’m not going anywhere.”


	3. Chapter 3

After they take Jensen off the ventilator, the first words he says to Jared are: “You need a shave.”

There’s really no arguing with that, so Jared just _hmms_ agreeably. Alan looks at them oddly and Donna seems offended on Jared’s behalf.

“Jensen Ross Ackles. This boy hasn’t left the hospital, even _once_ in the last seven days, and that’s all you have to say to him?”

There’s a glint of mischief in Jensen’s eyes, a spark that’s just so _him_ Jared feels every bit of tension unclench. Jen’s voice is weak from non-use and raspy from the irritation of the tubing, but his tone is absolutely unrepentant. “Sorry, Momma, but Jared looks _awful_ with facial hair.”

Jared nods. “I really do.”

“Can’t grow a decent beard to save his life.”

“I really can’t.”

“Makes him look like Murray.”

“ _Hey_. Now, that was totally uncalled for.”

Jensen shrugs as best he’s able. “Whatever.”

Mackenzie is giggling softly and Donna is watching them like they’re a foreign film and she can’t quite make out the subtitles. Jared can’t take his eyes off of Jensen, awake and flipping him shit. The wave of pure happiness that washes over him leaves him dizzy. And wow, he probably _could_ use a shave. And a real shower. And possibly a nap.

What he says is: “Maybe I should go home and shave.” What he means is: _Will you be okay if I leave?_

“Maybe you should.” _I’ll be fine._

Jared arches a brow. _Are you sure?_

Jensen is a competitive bastard, and his arch leaves Jared’s in the dust. “Go.” _Dork._

Jared reaches down and lightly pats Jensen’s calf. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“I’ll be here.”

Jared nods again. _You better be._

\+ || + || +

When Jensen is moved out of ICU, he’s transferred to the sixth floor, and Jared does the Snoopy dance. On the inside. Because actually _doing_ the Snoopy dance would be nuts. He may be crazy, but he’s not that crazy. Jensen is getting better all the time, Karen is going to be his night nurse, and no more ICU means no more restricted visiting hours. 

A new routine develops. Jensen’s family keeps him company through the days, occasionally spelled by Chris or Steve. Jared gets the nights. By all accounts the danger has passed, but Jared can’t bring himself to leave Jensen alone in his room, even when all he’s doing is sleeping.

They fight over it briefly, but Jared’s not changing his mind and Jensen can’t really _make_ him leave, so there you go. Karen scares up a lounge chair. Jared packs a bag with a change of clothes, his iPod and his Gameboy and moves in for the duration.

Donna smiles indulgently and Alan wears a perpetual scowl. Jared doesn’t give a shit. He’s got a new definition of what’s important now, and Alan’s frown lines aren’t making the list.

During the days, Jared is in and out. He’d spend every moment with Jensen if he could, but Jen keeps telling him to get back to his life, and even though Alan’s approval - or lack thereof - doesn’t really matter, Jared has no actual desire to see the man’s head explode. So, he visits the dogs. And meets with the Kim to try and come up with a plan to salvage the rest of the season. He has lunch with Chris every day and calls Sandy every night.

Things are strained between him and Sandy. When Sandy heard that Jensen was out of the woods and that production was suspended for at least a few weeks, she seemed to expect that Jared would spend that time with her. Jared really didn’t know what to do with that and the resulting conversation wasn’t exactly Jared’s idea of fun

“It’s not a _vacation_ , Sandy. Jensen is in the hospital.”

“He’s going to be fine, Jared.”

“But he isn’t fine yet.”

“You can’t do anything.”

“I can be here.”

She’s not very happy with where she’s falling on his priority list, and he doesn’t blame her. Jared knows it’s going to be up to him to fix things, and he _will_ , just as soon as Jensen’s back on his feet. Until then, Sandy is going to have to accept it. It’s not the best thing for his relationship, but it’s the best he can do right now.

He’ll deal with the fallout later.

\+ || + || +

After a week, and a lot of whining from Jensen, Chris and Steve go back to L.A.. Steve makes Jared promise to keep them updated. Jared raises his right hand and solemnly swears. It’s surprisingly difficult saying good-bye to Chris. It’s not that Jared _likes_ being called by the names of cartoon characters, but he is going to miss Chris’ sly grin and easy understanding. 

He drives them to the airport, and when he goes to shake Chris’ hand, the smaller man pulls him into a one-armed hug.

“Take care of our boy.”

“I will.” Part of Jared wants to go for the funny, but he can’t bring himself to do it. The moment feels strangely profound. Chris is _trusting_ him with Jensen, and Jared has no intention of letting either of them down. “I will, Chris. I promise.”

Chris squeezes his shoulder once before letting go. “I know you will.”

\+ || + || +

Alan and Josh are the next to leave. Neither of them can afford to be away from their jobs any longer and Jensen is insistent.

Jared’s actually surprised Jensen’s tolerated all the hovering for this long. Actor or not, Jensen hates being the center of attention. In character, he can and does control the room, but when he’s himself, when he’s just Jen, the spotlight makes him extremely uncomfortable.

As they’re saying goodbye, Alan makes an offhand remark about coming back when Jensen is released. Something about helping Donna take Jensen back to Texas to recover. Jared tenses because _what the hell_? Jensen is going back to Texas? It’s news to him and not the good kind.

He’d thought… He’d just assumed that Jensen was going to stay in Vancouver. With him. Jared has already spoken to Karen about what he’ll need to care for Jensen at home, whom to call to arrange for help. He and Jensen haven’t discussed it, but he thinks they’re on the same page. Aren’t they?

He looks over to Jensen, who tilts his head toward Alan and gives a small shake. Jared’s breath rushes out in relief. Yep. They’re on the same page. 

Just like always.

\+ || + || +

The day after Alan goes home, Jared makes a stop at the hospital Chapel. Maybe he hadn’t been able to say “ _Please_ ,” but he’s more than happy to say “ _Thank you_.” 

\+ || + || +

Three a.m. is either very late or very early. Jared scrubs a hand across his face and tries to figure out what woke him. Jensen’s room is quiet and dark. The only light comes from the bathroom, door left slightly ajar to prevent Jared from crashing into anything when nature calls.

There’s a twitch and a rustle from the direction of the bed, followed by a low groan. There’s his answer. Jared woke up because Jensen needs him. He’s on his feet and at Jensen’s side before he’s consciously thought to move.

Jensen twitches again. His face is scrunched up like he’s in pain or maybe fighting a nightmare. Either way, Jared wants it to stop. 

“Jensen? Wake up and talk to me for a second.” He shakes Jensen’s shoulder gently, mindful of pulling on his injury. “C’mon, man. Wake up.”

Jensen blinks awake, eyes fuzzy until they focus on Jared. “Jay?”

“Right here, Jen. Sorry to wake you, but you were moaning and moving around. Bad dream?”

“What? No. I…”

Jared reaches over Jensen to flip on the light and press the call button. “Option A it is, then.”

Jensen grabs at Jared’s wrist, but he’s too slow, too weak, to stop him. “Jared, no.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want…” 

“I don’t care.”

This has become a familiar song. Jensen trying to refuse pain medication, Jared refusing to let him. Jensen has it in his head that he has to be strong for some inexplicable reason. Jared’s got a different definition of strength. Or maybe it’s just a different perspective. Jensen may be strong enough to bull his way through the pain, but Jared isn’t strong enough to watch it. Fortunately for Jared, he’s got a hospital full of professionals on his side, so he wins.

Karen appears at the doorway. “Everything okay in here?”

Jensen’s soft _yes_ is no match for Jared’s definite _no_. “He’s hurting.”

Karen gives a short nod. “I’ll be right back.”

Jared watches her go with a small smile.

Jensen is a cranky little bitch when he doesn’t get his way. “Smug is not a good look on you.”

Jared’s smile widens to just this side of obnoxious. “Oh, I think it is.”

“You won’t always get your way, you know.”

“Believe me. I’m looking forward to the day I won’t have to.”

Jensen sighs. “It’s not that bad.”

The smile slides off Jared’s face. “It’s bad enough.”

“Jared.”

“Stop. Don’t even try to front with me. It was bad enough that it was waking you up.” Jared sits down on the side of the bed. “There’s no good god damn reason for you to be in pain, Jensen. Just your own fucking stubbornness. And I can’t watch it, okay? I can’t just sit here and watch you suffer. Not when…”

“Jay.” Jensen makes another grab for Jared’s wrist, this time making contact. “I’m okay.”

Jared flips their hands, breaking Jensen’s grip and wrapping his own fingers around the thrum of Jensen’s pulse. His broken voice holds every ounce of terror and devastation of those first horrific hours. “You almost died.”

Jensen doesn’t try to argue for a change. Not that he’d have a leg to stand on anyway. He looks Jared straight in the eye, and Jared knows that Jensen can see everything that’s been hurting Jared, can hear every little whisper of _it should have been you, it should have been you_.

“Jared. _Jay_. It wasn’t your fault.”

Whatever reply Jared may have for that is lost when Karen comes back into the room. Jared rises jerkily, moving out of her way to stand by the window while she injects the morphine.

Jared stares out into the Vancouver night. It’s raining, the lights of the city laid out in a pattern and glimmering below them. There’s enough of a wind that the raindrops are hitting the window with distinctive pings. He picks a drop to watch and follows its path from the point of impact to halfway down the glass. It’s slightly hypnotic.

They haven’t talked about it yet, any of it. Not the park. Or the girl. Or the crack of the shot.

_Jensen gasping for breath, bleeding beneath Jared’s hands._

Jared isn’t even sure how much Jensen remembers. He’s decided to take his cues from Jen, follow his lead. He’s told himself it’s for Jensen’s sake. Truth is, he’s afraid to ask. As much as he knows they need to talk about it, as much as he wants to Jesus, _thank_ Jensen; he’s been dreading it. He not ready to go back there.

Jensen’s rasp breaks Jared out of his reverie. “C’mere.”

They’re alone again. Jared hadn’t even noticed Karen leaving. Jensen is looking up at him with an expression that is full of affection and heart-breakingly gentle. “Come here, Jared.”

Jared’s eyes flood and he shakes his head. _I can’t go back there._

“Don’t make me come over there and get you. ‘Cause you know I will.” When Jared still doesn’t move, Jensen struggles to rise. “Fine.”

Jared closes the distance between the window and the bed in one frantic leap. “ _Shit_. What the fuck are you doing? Lay back down.”

“Come _here_.”

Jared reluctantly eases back down on the bed. “Fine. I’m here. Happy now?”

Jensen grins tiredly. “Ecstatic.”

“I hate you.”

“I know you do. That’s why you’re here at three in the morning. “

Jared could totally do the banter thing, but his heart isn't really in it. They may as well have the conversation. “You saved my life.”

“Jay.”

“You did, Jensen. You intentionally put yourself between me and the gun. You don’t get to act like that’s nothing. You took a bullet for me.”

Jensen’s cheeks go a little pink and he squirms in embarrassment rather than pain. “You would have done the same for me.”

“Yeah. If I’d _thought_ of it. But I didn’t, did I? I was right there, same as you. And it didn’t even occur to me that she would shoot. Even after I saw the gun. I let you step in front of me. Because I was too stupid to see the threat. Fuck, I _made_ you go over and talk to them with me. How can you say it wasn’t my fault? She came to kill me.”

“She came to kill _Sam_. She’s sick, Jay. It wasn’t about you.”

“I didn’t see the threat.”

“You thought she was a fan.”

“I let you step in front of me.”

“You didn’t _let_ me do shit.”

Jared blinks at the thread of steel. Jensen sighs. “Look, Jared. You see the best in people. It’s hardly a flaw. I don’t want you beating yourself up over this. So what if you’re not a cynical bastard like me? That’s a good thing. It’s one of the things I love most about you.”

Jensen is still talking, something about Jared not letting this change him, but Jared’s not really listening. He’s stuck on the word “love” coming out of Jensen’s mouth. He’s stuck on how his heart just stopped when Jensen said it. 

It takes a moment for Jared’s brain to come back online. “Do I get to say thank you? Will you at least let me do that?”

“Nope.”

Jared’s voice goes up an octave. “ _Jensen_.”

Jensen’s eyes stay closed, but he smirks like he knows Jared’s watching. “Didn’t do it for you. Did it for me. Selfish asshole, remember? Kind of like having you around.”

Jared gives a helpless laugh. “Yeah, well. Likewise.”

Jensen wears the smirk into sleep.

\+ || + || +

When Jensen is well enough to start going stir-crazy, Jared takes it as a good sign. Jensen bitches and moans. _A lot_. Jared just smiles and nods. 

“I’m bored.” Jensen sounds almost exactly like Jared’s godson. Who is in _preschool_.

Jared nods and flips the page on the latest John Grisham. “I know.”

“There’s nothing decent on TV.”

If Jensen is going to act like a four-year-old, then Jared is going to treat him like one. “Would you like me to read you a story?”

Jensen scowls, but doesn’t reply. A minute goes by.

“I hate this bed.”

Jared flips another page. “It hates you more.”

“I’m going nuts here, Jared.”

Jared keeps his expression blank and mentally pats himself on the back for not taking advantage of the _huge_ opening Jensen gave him. “I know.”

Jensen sighs gustily.

Jared continues reading and waits for Jen’s next shot in the verbal ping-pong game they’ve got going on. When a few minutes go by with nothing from new from Jensen, Jared looks up from his book. “Jen?”

Jensen’s head is down. He’s picking at the edge of his blanket. When Jared says his name again, he doesn’t respond.

Jared sets his book aside. “You okay?”

Jensen lays his head back on the pillow. “’m fine. Just tired.”

“So rest.”

“I’m tired of resting. Tired of this place. I’m tired of everyone poking and prodding and hovering all the time.”

This isn’t whining. It isn’t Jensen acting like a toddler on the brink of tantrum. It’s total weariness and it makes Jared ache to hear it. He can’t stop the words that his insecurities push out. “Are you tired of me? ‘Cause I know I’ve been around a lot. And you like your space. I could go. If you want.” Jared stands. “I should go.”

“What? _No_. I don’t want you to go. You’re the only – It’s not _you_ , Jared. I just want out of here. I want my life back.”

The sense of relief Jared feels is almost embarrassing. And definitely enlightening. Offering to leave had been automatic, but he’s not sure he would have actually been able to go if Jensen had taken him up on it. Jensen is staring up at him worriedly, as if he’s afraid Jared is mad at him. Like he thinks Jared might really leave. It occurs to Jared that Jensen has a few insecurities of his own.

“I get it, Jensen. I do.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine. _We’re_ fine.”

Jared can see the exact moment when Jensen believes him. It shines back in the sparkle of green eyes. He smiles a little and Jensen mirrors it. Jared sits down and picks up his book, flipping another page as Jensen changes the TV channel.

A minute goes by.

“The food here sucks.”

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, four-year-old Jensen is back in the building.

“If you’re a very good boy, I’ll sneak in a cheeseburger. Or maybe just some cheese to go with your _whine_.”

“That is so lame.”

“Yeah. Well, your _mom’s_ lame.”

There’s the sound of someone clearing their throat from the doorway. Jared’s eyes go wide in mortification, but he’s afraid to turn around and look.

“Please tell me that Donna isn’t standing right behind me.”

Jensen’s eyes crinkle. “Would if I could, Jay. Would if I could.”

Jared buries his face in his hands, while Jensen just laughs and laughs.

\+ || + || +

Dr. Brennan puts Jensen in light physical therapy to start rebuilding his strength and sets Friday as a target date for his release. Jared calls some of the numbers that Karen gave him to get the ball rolling. He rents a hospital bed for the guest room even though he knows Jensen will hate it. It can’t be helped. Jensen does okay when he’s up and moving, it’s the getting up that’s the problem. Jared never knew how much you had to use your chest muscles for every day movements until he watched Jensen struggle to simply sit up. So, yeah. A regular, flat bed is out of the question at this point. 

He makes arrangements with a service to have someone come in once a day to help with the things Jensen will be either too proud or too embarrassed to let Jared do for him. Jared would be fine doing whatever Jensen needs, but he knows that his definition of personal space is a lot looser than Jen’s. There will be enough daily skirmishes to fight, so he’s willing to concede a few up front to make Jensen more comfortable.

When Jared actually broaches the topic of Jensen coming back to his place to recover, Jensen’s acceptance comes gratifyingly fast. Despite that moment of unspoken agreement the day Alan and Josh had left, they hadn’t actually talked about it until now.

Jared knows that Donna has reservations, but she’s keeping them to herself, and he’s grateful for that. too. For his own sake and for Jensen’s. She could make things harder if she tried, if she insisted that Jensen go to Texas, or that she stay in Vancouver. She wouldn’t win, but she could make things more difficult.

Jared wants to be the one to take care of Jensen. He needs to. He doesn’t think too much about why Jensen might prefer Jared to his family, even if his heart does speed up a bit at the possibilities.

He just wants to be ready. Jared’s been waiting for this for weeks, and Jensen’s not the only one who’s been going stir-crazy. Jensen wants out of the hospital. Jared wants to take Jensen _home_.

\+ || + || +

Jared is whistling when he swings open the door to Jensen’s room Tuesday night, fast food bag dangling from his fingers. “Hey, man. Hope you’re hungry, because I’ve got the real deal here.” 

He gets four feet into the room before he stops dead. Jensen isn’t alone. There is a strange man sitting in what Jared absolutely has not come to think of as _his_ chair. Because that would be petty. And childish. And Jared is neither of those things.

The guy isn’t strange in the _hey little boy, want some candy_ kind of way so much as the Jared has _never seen him before in his life_ kind of way. He’s wearing street clothes and no nametag, so that rules out hospital employee. 

Jared goes into full on protective mode. Who is this guy, and how in the fuck did he get past security? If he’s a reporter, it’s a good thing they’re in a hospital, because there are going to be some broken bones.

“Jared. ‘Bout time you got here.” Jensen’s tone holds the hint of a smile and the underlying command of _down boy_. “Is that a cheeseburger I smell?”

Strange Guy must be almost as adept at reading Jared’s body language as Jensen is, because he jumps to his feet immediately and backs away from both Jensen’s bed _and_ Jared’s chair.

“Huh? Yeah. Just the way you like it, no onions, extra bacon.” He hands Jensen the bag and goes back to sizing up Jensen’s guest. He’s not quite as tall as Jared, not quite as dark. He’s probably a little older, but not by much. And Jared _knows_ he’s never met the guy, but he can’t help but think he looks familiar.

Jensen makes the introductions. “Jared Padalecki, this is Ben Lawrence. Ben, this is Jared.” He holds Jared’s gaze. “Ben is a friend.”

Strange Guy – sorry, _Ben_ – holds out his hand somewhat tentatively, and Jared’s lizard brain hisses _that’s right_ before giving way to higher function and good manners. He shakes Ben’s hand and resists every urge he has to squeeze. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Jared thinks _that’s funny, because I haven’t heard a word about you_ , but all he says is, “Well, if Jensen’s your source, you can’t trust a word of it.”

Ben laughs and shifts awkwardly. “I know.” He’s noticeably uncomfortable and looks over to Jensen for guidance.

Jensen is watching them with an inscrutable expression and Jared is the one who feels awkward now. He’s clearly interrupting. Jensen and Ben probably have a lot of catching up to do. Jensen’s been in the hospital going on four weeks. Odds are he’s thrilled to spend time with someone other than Jared. Because, yes they’re friends, even best friends, but they’re not _friends_. And this Ben guy seems okay, nice enough and fairly good-looking. He’s not Jensen level good-looking of course, but really who is? He’s still nothing to sneeze at. If Jensen likes Ben, really _likes_ Ben, then Jared should definitely leave them alone. Only problem is lizard brain starts hollering _no_ and _mine_ and Jared doesn’t know where the hell that’s coming from or how to get it to shut the fuck up. 

It’s confusing. He’s not that guy. Jared has never played third wheel for Jensen, never stepped on his game, and he’s not going to start tonight. He heads toward the door. “You guys probably – I’ll just come back later, ‘kay?”

Ben looks hopeful for a second, until Jensen speaks. “Don’t be stupid, Jay.”

Jared _feels_ pretty stupid. “What do you mean?”

“Sit your ass down. Ben was just leaving.”

Ben seems surprised to hear that and a little bit crushed. “I was? Right, I was. I mean, I am. It was good to see you, Jensen.” Ben leans in the direction of the bed, like he’s going to touch Jensen, and Jared can’t help it, he tenses right back up. Ben mutters, _nice to meet you_ at Jared, shoots one more longing look at Jensen and leaves so quickly they don’t even have a chance to say goodbye.

Jared paces to his chair, no not _his_ chair, _the_ chair and then back to the foot of the bed. Chair, bed, chair, bed, back and forth, back and forth. He comes to a stop, one hand on his hip, the other running roughly through his hair. “What the fuck was that?”

“I don’t know. You being a dumbshit and my burger getting cold?”

“Seriously. What the fuck?”

“He’s just a friend.”

“Got that part, Jen.” Jared paces back to the chair and sits down with a huff. “He looks at you like he wants to fuck you. That’s very _friendly_.”

“So many people want to fuck me,” Jensen deadpans. “So few actually get the opportunity.” Jensen narrows his eyes. “That’s why you were leaving? You didn’t want to cock-block me?”

“Yes?”

“You really are a dumbshit. First, I’m in the hospital. Second, he’s just a friend. Third, chest wound here, remember?”

_That_ hits Jared like a punch to the gut. “I remember.”

“God, Jay. I’m sorry. I am. I didn’t mean to say that. You just drive me crazy sometimes.”

“How is this _my_ fault?”

“’Cause you don’t see. You never fucking _see_. He’s just a friend. I didn’t ask him to come. I didn’t want him to stay.”

“I thought…”

“What? That I’d rather have him here than you? _He’s_ not important to me, Jared.”

“He’s not?”

Jensen growls in frustration. “How important could he be to me, if you had never heard of him before today? Think about it.”

Jared thinks about it. And yeah, Jensen is right, he is a dumbshit. Because Jared knows what’s important to Jensen, knows _who_ is important. He knows the name of the first boy Jensen kissed and the last guy to break his heart. He knows the name of every person in between, and Jen knows the same for him. He thinks about the last three years, about long hours, late nights and plenty of secrets shared over pizza and whatever liquor happened to be handy. Jensen is his best friend. 

Everything that’s important, Jared already knows.

\+ || + || +

Paul confirms that Jensen will be discharged on Friday, so Donna and Mackenzie firm up their plans to return to Texas. Now that freedom is in sight, sulky Jensen disappears and they float through Thursday on a sea of laughter. Mac snuggles up to Jensen while Donna and Jared sit in chairs flanking the bed. They spend the day watching talk shows and soap operas and yelling at the screen like it’s the _Rocky Horror Picture Show_. Much to Jensen’s chagrin, he is forced to suffer through _Days of Our Lives_ when he’s out-voted three to one. Jared makes a food run at noon and Mackenzie is given the task of farming out the million flower arrangements that Jensen received during his stay. 

It’s a good day.

Jared makes himself scarce by mid-afternoon so Jensen can spend some quality time with his family before everyone heads home. He can’t keep the smile off his face.

They’re all going home tomorrow.

\+ || + || +

Jared spends a couple of hours at the kennel with Harley and Sadie before he meets with the medical supply company at the house to take delivery on the bed. He still hasn’t had that fight with Jensen, so he figures he’ll warm up for it by calling Sandy and telling her that for all intents and purposes, Jensen is moving in with him. 

It goes as well as can be expected, which is to say, not well at all. It isn’t really an argument, since Jared refuses to argue about it. It’s more like a spirited discussion. Semantics aside, it lasts all the way back to the hospital, and basically smokes Jared’s Bluetooth. His girl’s got a healthy set of lungs.

After he finishes with Sandy, he makes his daily call to Kane from the parking lot and then heads back inside to take Karen out for coffee before she starts her shift. He wants to pick her brain for some professional guidance. As excited as he is to be taking Jensen home, he’s also nervous. Jensen is on the road to recovery, but he still has a ways to go. There’ll be medications, wound care, and physical therapy. Jared is determined to get it right and keep it straight. From now until whenever Jensen’s well enough to go back to work, taking care of him is going to be his full-time job. 

He’s totally fine with that.

\+ || + || +

The door to Jensen’s room is only partially closed. Jared can hear Donna’s voice but not the words she is saying. He’s just about to push the door open when Jensen’s response makes him pause. 

“It’s going to be fine, Momma.” Donna says something else, still too soft to be heard, but Jensen is loud and clear. “Jared would never hurt me. He doesn’t have it in him.”

Jared stands there at a loss as to what to think or do, because _what the hell_? Donna thinks he’s going to hurt Jensen? How? _Why_? Some terrible shit has gone down in the last month, and Jared has learned the hard way about things he never would have imagined being possible, but there is no known universe where he would hurt Jensen. _Ever_.

His mom always told him that eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves, but fuck that, because he has to know what’s going on in there. He moves until he’s totally concealed by the door and eases it open just a little bit more, hoping he’ll be able to hear Donna now and praying that neither she nor Jensen are looking in this direction.

“I’m not saying that he’d mean to, baby. I know better than that. I know he’s a good man. But Jensen – You have all of this faith. I just don’t want you to be disappointed. I can’t help but think you’re setting yourself up for a really big fall.”

“I’m not, Momma. I _know_ I’m not. Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine.”

Jared wants to pound his head against the door in frustration. _What_ is going to be fine? The elevator dings halfway down the hall and Jared jumps back just in time to not get busted as Mackenzie heads in his direction balancing four Starbucks cups in a tray.

“Hey, Jared. Get the door for me, will you?”

Jared can only nod dumbly and get the door for the lady.

\+ || + || +

Friday morning rolls around sunny and bright. Donna and Mackenzie say tearfully extended goodbyes before Jared accompanies them down to the car the show sent to take them to the airport. 

Jared lifts Mac clear off her feet when he hugs her at the curb. She giggles and bats at his shoulders ineffectively, so he swings her around in a circle just to hear her laugh again. Donna pulls Jared into to a strong embrace and just for a second he lets himself sink into a mother’s comfort. He can feel true affection from Donna, and he can’t quite reconcile it with what he’d overheard the night before. He files it away with the rest of the things he’s got to worry about later. He’ll find out what it was all about or he won’t, but in his mind it’s a moot point because he would never hurt Jensen in a million years.

He waves as they pull off and waits until they’re out of sight before jogging back to the lobby. He bounces in place as the elevator takes him back up to Six and laughs out loud in the empty car. He thinks maybe he could float up to Jensen’s room solely on the happiness he’s feeling right now.

\+ || + || +

Jensen puts up a token resistance to the mandatory wheel chair ride, but it’s just for show. Jared doesn’t think Jensen gives a damn how he leaves this place so long as he finally gets to leave. 

When the orderly pushes Jensen through the front door, Jensen raises his hand slightly to get him to stop for a minute. Jared watches as Jensen closes his eyes and raises his face to the sun, breathing deeply. He opens his eyes, catches Jared staring and grins that grin that always makes Jared want to pick him up and carry him around on his shoulders like a little kid.

It’s pure undiluted joy, and it’s a sight to behold. Jared takes a mental snapshot, storing the image away, holding it close. Every time his mind takes him back to the park, every time he sees Jensen falling in his head, he’s going to superimpose it with _this_. Jensen grinning, sunlight showing every single freckle and every little laugh-line. Jensen – absolutely, indisputably, _alive_.

He clears the tightness from his throat. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

Impossibly, Jen’s smile brightens more. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

\+ || + || +

They’re not even home a full hour before they have their first fight.

\+ || + || +

When they get to the house, Jensen releases his seat belt and moves to open his door. Jared tells him to wait and ignores the eye-roll he gets as he moves around the front of the rental car to passenger side. Jensen thought renting a car was a waste of money, but Jared knew it was going to be worth every penny not to have to see Jensen struggle to climb in and out of the SUV. He opens Jensen’s door and reaches down to help him swing his legs out. Jensen knocks his hands away.

“Jen.”

“I can do it myself.”

Jared has spent enough time watching Jensen give the physical therapist grief to know that it would be a major mistake to tell him he _can’t_ , so he goes with a slightly different version of the same truth. “But you don’t have to. C’mon, Jen. Let’s just get inside, okay?”

Jensen’s expression tightens, but he nods shortly and lets Jared help get him into position. When Jensen’s feet are firmly planted on the ground, Jared takes him by both elbows. “Just push up with your legs and let me do the rest of the work. On three?” Jensen nods again and Jared counts it off.

The pained grunt that escapes Jensen as he rises makes Jared’s heart race. “You good?”

“’M fine.”

“ _Right_. How about we stand here for a sec while I catch my breath.” 

“You don’t have to baby me.”

Jared blows his bangs out of his eyes. “This is going to be so much fun. I can just _feel_ it. Look, I’ll make you a deal. I won’t baby you, and you won’t be such a dick about accepting the help that you need. Sound good?”

Jensen doesn’t agree, but he doesn’t argue either, so Jared releases his elbows and lets him make his way up the sidewalk under his own steam. Jensen stops at the foot of the steps. There are only four, and they’re not exactly steep, but to Jensen they probably look like Mt. Everest. Jared reaches out only to be stopped by Jensen’s withering glare.

“Do. Not. Even.”

Jared drops his hand, but moves in closer, aligning his body behind Jensen’s just in case.

It’s slow going, but they get there. Inside, Jared leads Jensen to the guest room. He opens the door, fully expecting an explosion once Jensen gets a look at the bed. It doesn’t come, but Jensen’s expression tightens just that much more. Jensen walks over to the bed and doesn’t say a word when Jared reaches out to help him ease down and perch on the edge.

“I’ll be right back. I’m just gonna grab our stuff from the car.”

Jensen sighs tiredly. “I’ll be here.”

\+ || + || +

Jared takes a minute out by the car to rein in his frustration and gather his thoughts. He hadn’t expected rainbows and butterflies, but this is already harder that he thought it would be. He never imagined Jen would fight him every step of the way. He didn’t know that it would hurt so much to have Jensen brush him off. 

He needs a plan. _Think, Padalecki. Think. If you were Jensen, how would you feel? What would you need?_

Jared wants to kick his own ass. Because if he were Jensen, he would have gone apeshit by now. Virtually tied to a bed for weeks, constantly in some level of pain, and dependent on others for the most basic necessities. Of course, Jensen is angry. He’s angry and embarrassed, and Jared is an idiot for not seeing it sooner. Okay, fine. Jensen needs to feel like he’s in control. Jared can give him that. Jensen wants to be an asshole? He gets to be an asshole. Jared will live with it.

He figures it’s the least that he can do.

\+ || + || +

Jared enters the guest room with a glass of water in one hand and Jensen’s duffle in the other. He sets the duffle next to Jensen on the bed and fishes out the bottle of Vicodin from one of the side pockets. He hands Jensen two pills and the water. 

“Take these.” 

Jensen swallows the pills without complaint, which gives Jared a huge indication of how he’s feeling. So, while the no complaining part is good, the Jensen in pain part is not good at all.

“You hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Tired?”

Jensen shrugs. “Maybe a little.”

“Okay. Let’s get you ready to lie down for awhile.”

Jared crouches in front of Jensen and unties his laces. He’s just about to slip the first shoe off when he notices Jensen’s white-knuckle grip on the comforter.

“Jen?”

Jensen just shakes his head, so Jared lets it go. He waves a hand at Jensen’s button down. “You need…?”

“I got it.”

Jared rummages in the duffle for a t-shirt for Jensen to sleep in. When he turns back, Jensen is easing the shirt off slowly. Jared doesn’t bother to ask this time, just reaches out to help.

Jensen’s voice is gruff. “Thanks.”

Jared is just about to say _no problem_ when his gaze is drawn to the bandage on Jensen’s chest. It’s the first time he’s seen it since that night in Recovery and for some reason the sight steals his breath. Maybe it’s because he can so easily picture the wound beneath it, so easily imagine the white square blooming red. “Do we need – Should we change that?”

“ _No_.” Jensen’s vehemence has Jared’s eyes widening. “The nurse can do that.”

Jared keeps his voice soft. “Okay. Whatever you want.”

By the time they get Jensen into the t-shirt, they’re both sweating – Jensen from the pain and Jared from the stress of causing it.

“Sorry, Jen.”

“Not your fault. Help me up, would you? I’ve got to hit the can.”

Jared suppresses the little thrill he feels at Jensen actually _asking_ for something and helps him to his feet.

Jensen shuffles to the bathroom. “I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be here.”

\+ || + || +

While Jensen’s occupied, Jared putters around, setting up the supplies he’d gathered on Karen’s recommendations. He puts the water pitcher, the glass and all of Jensen’s meds on the nightstand. He’s hooking up the intercom when Jensen comes back into the room. 

“What the fuck is that?”

“It’s an intercom.” Jared points to the nightstand. “That’s the base station.” He holds up the device in his hand. “And this is the receiver. Pretty cool, huh?”

“Cool is not exactly the word I would use.”

It takes a minute for Jared to figure out that Jensen is pissed. He is _seriously_ pissed. Jared just doesn’t know why. And maybe it’s against the guy code to actually communicate, but he decides to just flat out ask. He’s tired of trying to read Jensen’s mind.

“What is your problem?”

Jensen has gone all red in the face. Jared can even make out the pulsing vein in his temple from here. “Why didn’t you just get a fucking baby monitor? It probably would have been cheaper!”

“What is with you and this baby metaphor you’re obsessed with today?”

“I don’t need you watching me twenty-four, seven. It’s okay if I’m out of your sight every once in awhile.”

“Oh, really? And when you wake up, and you have to go to the bathroom, and you _can’t get out of bed by yourself_? What then, Jensen?”

“I can…”

“That’s just it. _You can’t_.”

Shit. Jared said it. It’s floating in the air now. Jensen looks like he’s about to stroke out, and Jared doesn’t even care, because he’s angry too. He stalks over to the duffle and pulls out the plastic urinal they’d given Jensen at the hospital, stalks back to Jensen and shoves it into his hands.

“There.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“What do you think, asshole?”

“Jared.”

“It’s either that or the intercom. I suppose I could go out and get you some _Depends_ if you’d like. That would work in really well with that baby thing you’ve got going on.”

Jensen’s eyes flash and Jared reads his intent a second before he explodes into motion, swinging his arm out and hurling the urinal at the wall.

“ _Jensen_!”

Jensen brings both arms up to his chest and doubles over in pain, barely keeping his feet. Jared is there in an instant. He grabs Jensen’s shoulders, steadying him for a moment before easing him up to get a look at his face. Jensen’s eyes are clenched shut. He’s breathing fast and hard.

It scares Jared shitless. “Jen? Talk to me.” 

“ _Fuck_. It _hurts_.” Jensen grips Jared’s shirt with both hands and drops his head onto Jared’s shoulder. “ _Jared_.”

Jared holds onto Jensen’s hip with one hand and curls the other palm around the nape of his neck. He bends his head over Jensen’s. “Do we need to go back to the hospital?”

Jensen tightens his grip and shakes his head. Jared feels helpless. He strokes the back of Jensen’s neck, whispering nonsense in his ear. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe.”

Jensen’s voice is muffled in Jared’s shirt. “I _hate_ this.”

“I know, I know.”

Jensen is shaking in his arms and the fabric at Jared’s shoulder is wet with more than Jensen’s perspiration. Jensen’s crying, only he’s not making a sound. It’s like he doesn’t want Jared to know. 

That’s it for Jared, the proverbial last straw. He can’t just let Jensen handle this how he wants to anymore, because Jensen obviously doesn’t know what’s good for him. He pushes too much, takes too much on, and keeps too much in.

“Jensen, Jensen. _Jen_. You can’t keep doing this, man. You have to let me help you. _Please_.”

“You shouldn’t have to do all this stuff for me. I can’t even take my own _shoes_ off.”

“I don’t care.”

“I should be able – I should be…”

“What, Jen? _Who_? Superman? Dean Winchester? You were shot in the chest. You almost died. Nobody just bounces back from that. So, you need a little help. So what? It doesn’t make you weak. Let me help. I _want_ to.”

Jensen gradually relaxes, allowing Jared to take more of his weight. Jared slides the hand that’s sitting on the cut of Jensen’s hip until his arm is wrapped around Jensen’s lower back. He pulls Jensen in a little tighter and presses his face into the curve of Jensen’s neck. It’s warm and close. It feels _right_. Jared whispers his plea onto bare skin. “ _Let me take care of you_.”

Jensen's murmured _okay_ is barely audible, but Jared hears it just fine.

\+ || + || +

Jared has no real sense of how long they stay like that, Jensen wrapped snug in his arms. It’s long enough for Jensen’s breathing to even out and Jared’s nerves to begin to tingle at every point of contact between them.

“You alright?”

Jensen nods a little, rubbing his face against Jared’s shirt in the process. Jared has a sneaking suspicion that Jen is trying to wipe his tears away, and that – that just makes his heart hurt. The last thing he wants is Jensen to feel self-conscious. The last thing either one of them _needs_ is for Jen to start building walls again. Jared wants to maintain the feeling of ease surrounding them, so he keeps his tone purposefully light. “You totally just wiped your nose on me, didn’t you?”

Jensen snorts. “Maybe.”

“ _Nice_.”

Jensen is smiling slightly as he raises his head. “You did say you wanted to help.”

“Sharing your bodily fluids wasn’t quite what I had in mind.”

Jared realizes the way that sounds as soon as it comes out of his mouth. He can feel himself blushing even as he braces himself for what will no doubt be Jensen’s mocking response. He’s expecting a smirk, but that’s not at all what he gets. Jensen’s cheeks are dusted pink and his gaze has gone soft and hazy and, _shit_ , have Jensen’s eyes always been that green?

It dawns on Jared suddenly just how _close_ to each other they are. He still has one hand on Jensen’s hip and one curled around the nape of his neck. Both of Jensen’s palms are resting flat on Jared’s chest. Call it comfort between friends, but it can’t be mistaken for anything other than an embrace. Jared can feel Jensen’s every exhale, puffing gently against the underside of his own chin. All he would have to do is lean down, tilt Jen’s head up and he could – 

If he _wanted_ to. 

Oh, God. He _wants_ to. 

He wants to kiss Jensen.

It’s shocking and exciting. It’s like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. It’s the most off-the-wall, scary, awesome urge Jared has ever had. 

And it _can’t_ happen.

Jensen is his best friend. Jared is engaged.

Jared lets his arms fall away from Jensen and takes a deliberate step back. It feels almost like having a limb amputated to lose Jensen’s warmth and he has to force himself not to pull Jensen back in.

“Jay?” Jensen sounds bewildered. He sways on his feet without the support of Jared’s body.

Jared curses himself for forgetting how they got into this tangle in the first place. Closing the distance, he grabs Jensen’s elbow to steady him. “Vicodin kicking in?”

“Guess so.”

“C’mon. Let’s get you to bed.” And fuck, he’s done it again. He really needs to start _thinking_ before he speaks.

Jensen won’t meet his eyes, seemingly fascinated with the grain of the hardwood floor as Jared leads him over to the bed and helps him settle in. Jared pulls the covers up to Jensen’s chin. He fidgets with the blanket instead of touching Jensen the way he wants to.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen’s whisper is melancholy. 

Jared knows Jensen’s not apologizing for putting a dent in the guest room wall. Whatever Jared is feeling, he’s pretty sure Jensen’s feeling it, too. And it aches in a way that prescription medication can’t touch.

“It’s not your fault.”

“But it’s not yours either. Sometimes things just happen.”

_Yeah_ , Jared thinks, _and sometimes things happen too late_.


	4. Chapter 4

They spend the next couple of weeks in their own little bubble. There’s just Jensen and Jared and whatever is necessary for Jensen to recover. Jared keeps his phone on vibrate in an effort to keep the outside world at bay. People know better than to come by, but that sure doesn’t stop them from calling. 

Everyone wants to know how Jensen is doing. All of them really do care about Jensen, but some of them have their own agenda as well and it starts to wear on Jared’s patience. It gets to the point that every time Jared hears “How is Jensen?” he can always hear the second, unspoken question trailing behind it.

When Donna asks, what she really means is _are you taking care of my boy_. Eric asks and what he really wants to know is _when will you be back at work_. Sandy asks and all Jared can hear is _when is this going to be over_.

The day Jared’s publicist calls, she doesn’t even bother to ask after Jensen’s health. She’s all over Jared to do a few interviews while interest is high; to strike while the iron is hot. Jared hangs up on her. He turns the phone off instead of throwing it against the wall like he wants to. One dent is more than enough.

Everything goes to voice mail after that.

\+ || + || +

Each day that goes by, Jensen gets a little better and Jared breathes a little easier. Jensen sleeps a lot as he rebuilds his strength. Jared buys a cookbook in a desperate attempt to improve his woeful cooking skills. He’s pretty sure going from hospital food to take-out is not on Dr. Brennan’s list of recommendations. 

They spend a lot of time on the couch watching TV. When Jared was getting the house ready for Jensen, he’d gone crazy in the DVD section at Best Buy. They’ve got 24, Alias, Battlestar Galactica, and just because Jensen asked so pretty, the first five seasons of Gilmore Girls. Jared’s tempted to force Jensen to watch Dark Angel, but he figures he should cut the invalid a little bit of slack.

That doesn’t mean watching himself as Dean Forester with Jensen in the same room isn’t _incredibly_ painful.

When Dean gives Rory the car, Jensen tries to stifle a snort and fails.

Jared knows he’s going to regret this, but he can’t help himself. “What?”

“Nothin’, man. It’s just – you’re so _young_.”

“Give me a break. I was eighteen.”

Jensen points at the screen. “It doesn’t even look like you, dude. Had your balls even dropped?”

“You’re such an asshole. Worse, you’re a hypocritical asshole. I’ve got four words for you. Days. Of. Our. Lives.”

“That was a soap. It was _supposed_ to be cheesy.”

Jared refuses to let the smile he’s feeling escape to his face. “Just so you know. As soon as you’re better? I'm kickin' your ass.”

Jensen nods as he focuses his attention back on the epic, yet doomed, romance of Rory and Dean. “I’m sure you will.”

\+ || + || +

Jensen keeps the promise he made to Jared in the aftermath of their fight. He lets Jared help. He lets Jared in. Everything is easy between them, their conversations and their silences. Jared is grateful, even if he is a little surprised. 

He’d expected things to be awkward between them. He wonders how the emotional echo of their embrace isn’t coloring their every interaction now. They slotted together like lovers – Jensen in his vulnerability and Jared in the first flush of realization. It felt almost cataclysmic at the time. It felt like a moment that would change everything.

Now, it’s like it didn’t happen. Or it didn’t mean what Jared thought it meant.

Jared watches Jensen for clues, for confirmation Jensen is feeling even just a little bit of the confusion Jared is. He’d been so sure that day in the bedroom. So sure that if he’d bent to kiss Jensen, Jensen would have kissed him back. He doesn’t want to believe that he was wrong about that. It hurts, and not just his pride.

He wants to believe he’s not alone in this. That Jensen will have his back just like always. That somehow, together, they’ll figure it out, complications and all. He wants Jensen to want him too, even if it’s not fair to any of them. Even though he knows he doesn’t have the right.

It’s fucked up. Jared is totally fucked up over Jensen and he knows it. Life was simple before the shooting, before Jared had to face the fear of losing Jensen. He thinks about his own behavior while Jen was in the hospital, and he can see so clearly now, what he was feeling then. Even though he’s afraid to call it by name. 

He can’t afford to. He’s committed to Sandy and she deserves better than this. Jared needs to get a grip. Jensen is his best friend. All of this confusion is simply a natural reaction born of trauma and will most likely fade with time. 

And if the sense memory of Jensen in his arms never truly leaves him, well then, that’s just his problem to deal with.

\+ || + || +

Jared’s least favorite days are the ones when he has to take Jensen to physical therapy. Jen doesn’t let him stay and Jared’s skin itches every second Jensen is out of his sight. He drops Jensen off and goes to visit the dogs, or do the grocery shopping, or grab a cup of coffee and return a few of the million calls that have stacked up in his voice mail.

But always, always, in the back of his head he’s thinking: _How is he doing? Is he okay? Does he need me?_ It’s incredibly co-dependant. And it’s not going to help Jared get over this _thing_ he’s got for Jensen. Jared doesn’t try to convince himself differently. It is what it is.

When Jared picks Jensen up at the clinic on Wednesday, Jen looks beat to shit. It’s obvious from the way he’s moving that he’s tired and in pain. Jared switches the radio off and they drive home in silence. Jensen waits until Jared comes around to help him out of the car. Jared keeps a firm grip on Jensen as they make their way into the house and straight back to Jen’s room.

Jensen is so wiped out he doesn’t protest, doesn’t even flinch, as Jared eases him down on the bed and starts to work on his shoes. Jensen’s eyes are at half-mast. He is endearingly pliable under Jared’s hands, letting Jared move him this way and that to get him ready for his nap. He’s like a sleepy toddler. Jared finds it almost unbearably adorable.

“Hard day?”

“Little. I’m getting stronger, though.”

“I know you are. But don’t push it, okay?”

Jensen makes a face. “You sound like my therapist.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“I’m fine, Jay. Better all the time. Matter of fact, think I’ll ask Paul on Friday if I can go back to work.”

“Jen…”

“It’s been nearly six weeks.”

“You were shot. In the chest. Six weeks is nothing.”

“Tell that to Dawn Ostroff. We’ve got a really narrow window. If we want to get anything else out this season, we’ve got to get on it.”

Jared narrows his eyes. “You’ve been talking to Eric.” When Jensen shrugs, Jared lets out an annoyed huff. “He wasn’t supposed to call you.”

“He didn’t. I called him. Look, Jared. The network’s cutting us a lot of slack. They’re going to let us go much later that the rest of the programming just to give us a chance to wrap things up. But they won’t wait forever. We’ve got to go back to work.”

“It’s not like they’re doing us a favor. Ratings have been through the roof, even on the re-runs. Everyone’s tuning in to see the guy the crazy chick tried to kill and the guy who stepped in front of a bullet for his friend. You can’t buy that sort of publicity.” Jared’s voice has risen until he’s practically shouting. “Fucking _ghouls_.”

Jensen grabs Jared’s arm and tugs him down until they’re sitting side by side. He leans in and presses his shoulder against Jared’s. “Chill.”

Jared breathes deeply. “If we do this…”

“We _are_ doing this.”

“Fine. You have to promise me to be careful. It’s just a TV show. It’s just a fucking _job_. It’s not worth…”

“I will.”

“If anything happens to you – You have to _promise_ me.”

“Jay. I promise, okay? I’ll be careful. I’ll get rest. I’ll let you baby me to your heart’s content. I swear.”

Jensen raises his hand in a cheap imitation of the Boy Scout oath and blinks with exaggerated, anime eyes. Jared startles himself by laughing. Jensen grins and knocks against Jared’s shoulder again. “So, we’re doing this.”

Jared nods. “ _If_ Dr. Brennan says you can.”

“Deal.”

\+ || + || +

Paul says yes. He talks around it for a while, and gives Jensen a hellaciously long list of rules to follow, but in the end, he says yes. Jared knows because he insists on being in the room when Jensen asks. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Jensen, but he’s not a fool either. Jensen can be crafty when he puts his mind to something and Jared wouldn’t put it past him to blur the lines a little to get what he wants. Jared needs to be there to be sure that Jensen tells Dr. Brennan the absolute truth about how he’s doing. He has to hear what Paul says with his own ears, even the rules, _especially_ the rules, because he’s going to be damn sure Jensen follows every one of them. Like it or not. 

They call Kim at the production office on their way home. Jensen puts him on speakerphone. Jared can hear the shuffle of papers in the background. He can picture the exact expression on Kim’s face, the one that somehow manages to be both distracted and focused at the same time. “Okay, boys. Give us until the end of the day to revamp the timeline. We’ll have something to you by tomorrow.”

There’s more to talk about, like Jensen’s limitations and how they’re going to work around them, but Jensen looks truly happy for the first time in a long time and Jared wants to bask in that for a little while. He’ll call Kim later tonight, after Jen’s asleep.

Jensen leaves a jubilant message on Eric’s voice mail. Jared is positive that the sigh of relief Eric will give when he plays it is going to be loud enough to be heard in Vancouver.

\+ || + || +

The script arrives by courier at 9:00 a.m. on Saturday. They camp out on opposite ends of the couch, each with a cup of coffee and a yellow highlighter. Jensen shoots Jared a little grin as he cracks open his copy.

The Winchesters are back in business.

\+ || + || +

The weekend has the feel of the final days of a vacation. Jared has mixed emotions about going back to work. He’s missed it, but not the same way he did during the strike. Then, there was this feeling of anxiety about losing the show, losing Sam. But now, it’s all about Jensen. Jared loves his job, loves the show. He loves Eric and Kim and Sera and every single member of the crew. He loves Sam and he loves Dean. 

And he will let it all go to hell before he lets Jensen be hurt again.

Jensen says he’s ready. Paul agrees. It should be enough to ease Jared’s mind. And it is – _almost_. Jared looks over at Jen, who is concentrating way too hard on beating Jared’s high score at Mario Kart, and feels a wave of – _something_ wash over him. It’s either too scary to name or too complicated. There’s a little bit of guilt and a whole lot of affection. He’s proud of Jensen and worried about Jensen and he wants all sorts of things he knows he can’t have. Mix in a fair amount of regret for the road not taken and it’s a powerful emotional cocktail. It’s no wonder he’s feeling a buzz. But, underneath it all is the overwhelming desire to protect. 

Jared knows he won’t be getting over that any time soon.

\+ || + || +

Jensen is so eager to get back to work he’s up on time Monday morning and ready fifteen minutes before the driver is due to pick them up. Jared is at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal when Jensen comes in, fully dressed, with the exception of the shoes he’s carrying in one hand. His other hand holds a black shaving kit, which he sets on the table. It probably contains Jen’s contacts and it damn well better have all his meds. Jared plans to make sure of that before they leave. 

Jared slurps down the milk left in his bowl and sets it aside. He pushes away from the table and kicks his leg sideways to slide the chair on his left out so Jensen can sit. Jensen gives the shoes to Jared without a word and braces a hand on the table as he lowers himself down.

Jared does _not_ reach out to help, even though he wants to. “You good?”

“Don’t I look good?”

Jensen doesn’t mean the question literally, but Jared chooses to take it that way just for the fun of it. He looks Jen up and down. Wire rim glasses, worn out t-shirt and broken-in jeans, Jensen does look good. He still hasn’t regained the weight he lost in the hospital, so he’s swimming in his hoodie. Wait – make that _Jared’s_ hoodie, and wow, lizard brain likes that _a lot_.

Jared lowers his head to hide his blush. “You’ll do.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Gee. Thanks.”

Jared parts his knees and pats the vee of space it leaves open on his chair. “Right foot first, pretty boy.”

When Jensen complies, Jared pretends he’s a shoe salesman in a concerted effort to not think about how close Jensen’s socked foot rests to his cock. Which is absolutely not reacting to Jensen’s nearness. Not if Jared has anything to say about it.

He’s fumbling with the bow on the left shoe, which is ridiculous because he’s been able to tie his own shoes since he was _four_ , when he hears Jensen say, “Thank you.” It sounds serious, like it carries weight. Like it’s about more than just the shoes.

Jared raises his head to find Jensen looking right at him, green eyes intent. “Jen?”

“I haven’t thanked you properly yet. I mean, I say thank you for the small things, but I don’t think you know how grateful I am. And you should.”

Jared’s a little lost, like he’s walked into a scene he never saw the script for. “What are you talking about?”

Jensen wiggles his foot. “This. Everything. You’ve been taking really good care of me, Jay. I just want you to know how much I appreciate it.”

Realization brings Jared clarity, but it comes with an unexpected spurt of anger. He lets Jensen’s foot fall to the floor. “Oh, fuck you, Jensen.”

“Excuse me?”

Jared shoves back from the table so hard, his chair nearly topples over as he stands. “Seriously. Fuck. You.”

“Jared.”

“No, really. I can’t thank you for saving my life, but you get to thank me for tying your shoes?”

“That’s different.”

“The hell it is.”

“I didn’t _think_ about it, Jared. I just did it. I couldn’t _not_.”

All of the breath goes out of Jared’s body and he closes his eyes. “I know.” He can hear Jensen struggle to rise, but doesn’t make a move to help. He simply stands there, heartbeat thundering in his ears, waiting for Jensen to come to him.

He knows that Jensen is going to come to him.

Jared opens his eyes at the first tentative brush of Jensen’s fingers against his wrist. He’s reaching out to grab Jensen, or shake him, or maybe just pull him close when the blare of a horn from the driveway shatters the moment.

Jensen makes a disappointed sound and steps away. He grabs his kit from the table and heads toward the door.

“Jensen?” Jared waits to continue until Jensen turns to face him. “Just because I have the time to think about it, doesn’t mean I _need_ to. So, it’s not any different at all. Do you understand that?”

Jensen stands frozen in the path of Jared’s gaze. He shudders almost imperceptibly before he nods slightly and turns to go.

Jared doesn’t know if he should feel relieved or wrecked, because there’s the sign that he’s been looking for. For all the good it’s going to do either one of them.

\+ || + || +

The entire ride to the set, Jensen says a total of eighteen words, and twelve of them are to the driver. Jared doesn’t take it personally. Jen goes quiet when he’s working something out in his head, and God knows, there a lot of things they need to work out. 

The minute they walk on the soundstage the opening notes of Thin Lizzy’s _The Boys are Back in Town_ start to play over the PA system. Jared grins and he knows without turning his head that Jen is doing the same. Seems like somebody was expecting them.

The hard shell of tension created by the scene in the kitchen cracks and then falls away entirely. Personally, they may be walking a high wire without a net, but professionally, they’re on solid ground. Jensen doesn’t even look at Jared, just raises his fist. Jared bumps it gently with his own.

They’ve got work to do.

\+ || + || +

After a table reading, they head to hair and make-up. Shannon isn’t there yet, but Jeannie lets out a squeal at the sight of Jensen and starts toward him with arms extended. She looks fully capable of knocking Jen right over. Jared moves to intercept her so she knocks into him instead. He catches her at the elbows before she can fall backward. 

“Sorry, sweetie. No hugging today. Jen’s not quite up to that yet.”

“Right. God. Sorry.”

“Hey. Don’t be.” Jared releases her, keeping his arms open. “You can hug me instead. I’ve been told I’m very huggable.”

Jeannie slaps at his chest, but gives him a squeeze anyway. Then she steps around Jared, going to Jensen and taking his hand as she stretches to kiss to his cheek. “Welcome back. We missed you.”

Predictably, Jensen goes all shy and sheepish, mumbling _thank you_ and _missed you too_ as she keeps hold of his hand and pulls him to the chair. Jared grabs his candy stash from a cubby before flopping down at the empty station next to Jensen. He sucks on a rainbow gummi worm and spins in his chair while he waits for Shannon. The contented sound that comes from Jensen a moment later has Jared’s foot hitting the ground to stop his whirling so he can check it out.

Jensen has his head tilted back and his eyes closed. Jeannie is, for lack of a better word, _petting_ him. She’s combing her fingers through his hair, occasionally giving him a little scratch. Every time she scratches, Jensen makes that contented sound again. This particular sight is nothing new to Jared, but the curl of want that unfurls in his belly is. As is the spike of possession running through him. Jared really needs Jeannie to stop touching his – to stop touching Jensen. And he needs Jensen to stop making those noises. Noises that tell him exactly how much Jensen _likes_ to be touched. Jared definitely doesn’t need to know _that_.

He’s officially going insane. Luckily, Shannon arrives and Jeannie has to take her hands off of Jensen so the ladies can get down to the business of making them camera ready. 

It’s really not a moment too soon.

\+ || + || +

They’re killing time in Jensen’s trailer, waiting for the first unit to be ready. Jensen is resting, number two on Paul’s list, after taking his medication, which was number one. Jared’s playing on his Gameboy with his ear buds in, just in case Jen wants to try to sleep. 

They’ve fallen into one of their comfortable silences and Jared can’t help but be grateful. He’s been feeling nervous all morning and it has nothing to do with what happened in the kitchen. At first, he’d put it down to just worrying about how Jensen would do back at work. But after the incident in the make-up trailer, he has to face the fact that he’s gotten used to having Jensen to himself.

Jared’s mom could tell you he’s never been all that good with sharing. But Jensen isn’t a toy. And Jensen isn’t his. So, Jared better learn.

\+ || + || +

When they finally get the call to set, Chris Carter is there to give them the necessary gear for the scene. Having a property master who shares the same name with the creator of The X-Files is a never-ending source of amusement to all of them. Kim, especially, takes great delight in giving Chris all kinds of shit. 

Chris shakes both of their hands and welcomes them back. They chit chat for minute, mostly about baseball. Jared is distracted by Shannon fussing with his make-up, so he’s not really paying attention when Chris slaps something into his palm.

It’s cold. It’s metal. Jared looks down and sees Sam’s PT92. It’s a fucking _gun_.

 

His brain instantly shuts off. Synapses refuse to fire even enough to tell his fingers to close around the object in his hand. The clatter the Taurus makes as it hits the ground echoes through the soundstage.

Everyone is looking at Jared in puzzlement, but Jared only has eyes for Jensen. All of the waiting for this day, all of the planning to make sure everything would be exactly what Jensen needed, and Jared had never thought of _this_. Sam and Dean and their motherfucking guns.

Jared’s heart is racing and he’s practically panting, but Jensen is calm. He’s calm and he’s steady, and Jared can tell that he’s fine. But Jared isn’t. Jared _really_ isn’t.

Chris bends to pick up the gun. Jensen tucks Dean’s Colt into the back of his jeans before taking the prop from Chris and walking to stand in front of Jared. He tilts his head up and all Jared can see in his face is understanding.

Without breaking eye contact, Jensen raises the gun between them, keeping the barrel pointed away. He pops the clip out, flips it so Jared can see that it’s empty. When Jared nods, Jensen slides the cartridge back in and places the weapon in Jared’s slack grip. He curls his own fingers around Jared’s so they’re both holding on.

Jensen’s voice is low and meant only for Jared. “It’s not real, Jay.”

Jared lets out a ragged breath. “I can’t…”

“You _can_. I’m here. I’m fine. You’re fine. And this is our job.” Jensen’s tightens his grip momentarily. “You can do this. I know you can.”

“Jensen.”

“We’re fine, Jay. Let’s do this thing, okay?”

Jared syncs his breathing to Jensen’s and his pulse gradually evens out. If Jensen can do this, if Jensen believes that Jared can do this, then he can.

That’s how it always works between them.

\+ || + || +

After Jared’s little freak-out, the next couple of days go smoothly. _Ghostfacers_ is the perfect episode to ease back into work with. It’s unusually heavy on guest star footage. Ben wrote it, so it’s funny as hell, and Phil is directing. Phil’s been around since practically the beginning and he’s directed almost as many episodes as Kim. He truly cares about the characters. More importantly, he cares about Jensen. Jared knows they’re in good hands. 

Jensen is actually behaving himself. He’s taking his meds and he’s resting when he needs to. He’s even letting his stunt double come in for anything remotely physical. Jared hasn’t had to pull the guilt card once.

Jared is getting better with the sharing thing, but he still doesn’t do too well when Jensen is out of his immediate vicinity. He really needs to work on that. Being back to work is only the first step to normalcy. It’s only a matter of time before Jensen will be well enough to be on his own. He won’t need Jared’s help anymore. Jensen will move out, Jared will have the place to himself, and – and just the _thought_ of it makes Jared’s stomach drop.

Yeah, he definitely needs to work on that.

\+ || + || +

Thursday afternoon, they’re eating lunch in craft services when Alison, PA extraordinaire, walks up. She smiles at Jared and says, “Sandy’s here.” Later, Jared will be ashamed of himself. Because his first thought, his very first thought, is _Sandy who_? 

He scrambles to his feet. “Why didn’t you just bring her back?”

She shifts uneasily. “You have to sign her in. Security’s tighter since…” She can’t seem to say the words, but her gaze flits to Jensen.

“Oh.” It’s just one more detail that hasn’t hit Jared’s radar in the wake of Jensen’s shooting. He’s been concentrating on Jen and letting other people worry about the logistics. Of course, security is tighter now. The network and their insurance company must have gone nuts over it after almost losing one of their lead actors.

Alison shakes her head a little sadly. “Things are different now.”

Jared is still stuck in that brief moment where he’d forgotten his own fiancée. He looks over at Jensen and thinks _different_ doesn’t begin to cover it.

\+ || + || +

During the walk to meet Sandy, Jared tries to process. Sandy is _here_. That’s good because he really needs to talk to her about everything that’s going on. But it’s bad because he really doesn’t have the time. He’s working, and there’s Jensen, and – and maybe he isn’t quite ready to tell her the truth. 

What is the truth, anyway?

He has feelings for Jensen. Feelings that aren’t remotely platonic. Emotions that don’t feel as _new_ as they should. Like maybe they’ve been there for a while and he’s just now figuring it out. Or maybe they’re just a by-product of trauma and constant exposure.

He loves Sandy. Things are good between them. Not great, but good. They talk, they laugh, and they burn it up in the bedroom. What more could he need? And if the only times he’s thought about her in the past several weeks have been when he’s actually speaking to her, that’s just a consequence of circumstance. Everything with Jensen has been governed by a sense of immediacy. It’s been too easy to set his relationship with Sandy to the side, something to worry about later. 

Seems later has become now. Like it or not, Jared has to deal with this. So, here’s the plan. He’ll give it time. Jensen will get better and move out. Jared will be able to get some perspective once they’re not together every second of every day. They’ll wrap up the season and Jared will spend the summer hiatus with Sandy. Things will go back to normal.

Things _have_ to go back to normal.

Jared feels like he’s juggling knives. Sooner or later he’s going to cut off something important. Whether he means to or not.

\+ || + || +

Any desire Jared has to have a meaningful conversation with Sandy exits stage left the moment he sees Chad Michael Murray standing in Kim’s office. The smirk on Chad’s face is a little evil. “Surprise, motherfucker.” 

Jared is about to respond in kind when he gets an armful of petite brunette. Sandy is holding on tight and squealing his name in his ear. He hugs her back, refusing to dwell on how she feels slightly _wrong_ in his arms. Too small. Too _soft_. She smells like flowers.

Jared is so screwed.

He sets Sandy back on her feet and reaches out to slap Chad’s waiting palm. “What are you doing here, man?”

“Me and your little lady got to talking the other night. Figured if the mountain wouldn’t come to Mohammed and all that. Besides, you can’t ignore me if I’m standing right in front of you.”

Jared winces. He hasn’t been ignoring Chad; he just hasn’t been returning his calls. Or his texts. Okay, fine, he’s been ignoring Chad. “Sorry, man. Been a little busy.”

The look in Chad’s eyes is almost too knowing. Like he’s figured out a secret Jared would much rather keep to himself. It makes him extremely uncomfortable so he shifts his attention to Sandy. He places a kiss on her forehead. “Hello, beautiful.”

“Hi. You’re not mad that we’re here are you? I told Chad that you’re working, but he said you can’t work _all_ the time. We thought it would be fun to surprise you, and it’s been so long, and I missed you, and…”

Jared has to laugh. “Hey. Take a breath. No, I’m not mad. It’s good to see you. But I _am_ working.” He looks at his watch. “Actually, I’m due on set in about ten minutes.” Jared turns to Alison who is holding a clipboard and a pen. Jared scrawls his name in the appropriate spots. “You guys can hang out in my trailer or grab a cab back to the house. How long are you here for anyway?”

Chad is still watching Jared. “Return tickets are for Sunday.”

Jared forces a smile. “Cool. I’ll see you later.”

“You can come to dinner with us, right?”

Jared shakes his head. “Sorry. No can do. Jensen’s got a late call.”

Sandy’s lips thin. “But _you_ don’t? Why can’t you come?”

“If Jensen’s here, I’m here.”

Sandy starts to say something else but stops when Chad touches her shoulder. Jared doesn’t think anything of it. Chad gives him a nod. “Think we’ll chill in your trailer for a while. Check out the amenities.”

“Suit yourself. Alison can show you where. I gotta go.” Jared gives Sandy a quick kiss and heads back to the set.

\+ || + || +

Jared’s scene consists mostly of Sam wandering through darkened corridors, yelling Dean’s name. The script has Dean disappearing earlier during a ghostly manifestation. The scene Jensen is scheduled to film later tonight will cover the same time period. Jared’s looking forward to it, because Jensen in a birthday hat will never not be funny. 

It’s not exactly Shakespeare, but it pays the bills.

When he gets back to the trailer, he finds Sandy and Chad, _and_ Jensen. Chad is playing Jared’s Xbox. Sandy is chattering away at Jensen who is doing his best to act interested. Jensen’s best is pretty damn good, so Jared knows he’s the only one who has a clue exactly how uninterested Jensen is. Jen’s wearing his “interview” smile, the one that doesn’t reach his eyes. And there’s this little crinkle in his forehead that tells Jared that he hasn’t taken his Vicodin.

“Where are your pills?”

Jensen fidgets guiltily. “Bathroom.”

Jared goes to get them, filling a glass of water while he’s there. He brings both back to Jensen. “Any particular reason why you didn’t take them?”

“I forgot?”

Jared stands over Jen until he swallows the pills. “You eat anything?”

“Jared.”

“Can’t blame me for asking, Jen. Maybe you _forgot_.”

“You’re being a mother hen.”

“Yep. And you told me I could. So, live with it.”

Jensen gives an aggrieved sigh. “Yes, I ate. There are even witnesses. Would you like signed affidavits?”

Jared finally cracks a smile. “Nope. Your word’s good enough for me, dude.”

Chad hasn’t looked up from his game, but Sandy is tracking their conversation like she’s watching a tennis match. She scoots over on the couch to make room for Jared. He steps over the coffee table and drops down into the space between her and Jen. When Sandy places her hand on his knee, Jared tries not to read too much into it. But the way she watches Jensen watch her do it tells Jared different. She’s marking her territory.

Jared isn’t sure he likes that one bit.

\+ || + || +

Sandy won’t give up on the idea of going out to dinner. She works Jared relentlessly for the next twenty minutes, with Chad chiming in occasionally. Jared’s just about ready to snap and tell both of them to go back to the house and order a pizza when Jensen weighs in. “You should go, Jay. Have a steak. I’m good here.” 

“But…”

Jensen just raises an eyebrow. _I’m fine_.

It probably means something significant that Jared has no problem resisting Sandy and Chad, but Jensen is the one he can’t say no to. Jared starts a new list of things to worry about later.

“Okay, I give. Let me talk to Phil. If he says I can leave, we’ll go get a steak.”

Sandy claps her hands in triumph. “Morton’s?”

“No way. Too late to get in and too far away. We’ll go to the Keg.”

Sandy frowns. “We’re coming back?”

Jared looks at Jensen pointedly. “Yes, Sandy. We’re coming back.”

“I can get a driver, Jay. Or call a cab. You don’t have to….” Jensen catches the expression on Jared’s face and trails off, reading the shut up loud and clear. “So, anyway. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

“Who me?”

“Jensen.”

“I’ll be good. I promise.”

\+ || + || +

Phil says _sure, no problem, go_ – so Jared goes. But not before making Phil swear he’ll keep an eye on Jensen. Now’s as good a time as any to start working on his separation issues, but Jared can’t help feeling like a parent leaving his kid at kindergarten for the first time. He’s giving over the care of someone precious to him to others, trusting that they’ll look after Jensen as well as he would. 

It’s harder than he imagined.

\+ || + || +

They’re barely off the lot when Jared’s low-grade anxiety develops into a full-fledged bad feeling. He almost turns the car around. But Sandy is smiling, and Chad is being his obnoxious, yet oddly likeable self, and they came all this way. Jared can give them a couple of hours. Jensen will be fine. 

Forty-five minutes later, Jared checks his phone for the fifteenth time just to make sure it’s on. Sandy frowns. He shrugs but doesn’t apologize. The stuffed mushrooms they ordered as an appetizer are sitting like a rock in his stomach, and he has no idea how he’s going to manage to actually eat his filet when it’s served.

The conversation feels stilted, like everyone is trying too hard. Sandy and Chad keep bringing up things Jared has no interest in. They’re both avoiding the topic of Jensen to the point where it’s obvious, and since the last six weeks of Jared’s life have been consumed by all things Jensen, it kind of doesn’t leave much to talk about.

When his cell rings right after the waitress clears the salad course, Jared isn’t even surprised. Shannon’s picture pops up on the display. He’s pushing back from the table even as he answers. “What’s going on?”

“Jared.” Shannon is crying. That has Jared standing in a hurry and reaching for his wallet.

“What happened? Is he okay?”

She sniffs. “I don’t know. I _think_ so. He’s in his trailer. He’s talking to us, but he won’t open the door.”

Jared throws a couple of hundred dollar bills on the table, and starts toward the exit, Sandy and Chad trailing behind. “Shannon. _What happened_?”

“It was stupid. Randy was being a dick, pushing Jensen really hard and… I think… God, Jared, I think Jensen’s hurt. He looked… You need to get back here. Can you come back?”

“I’m already on my way. Tell him I’m coming, okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can. Just tell him I’m coming.”

\+ || + || +

The drive to the restaurant had taken fifteen minutes. Jared makes it back to the set in just under ten. He slams the SUV into park and doesn’t even bother to close the door before he’s running to the trailers. Shannon comes rushing up to meet him, gasping out a partial explanation when Jared doesn’t stop moving. 

“Don’t be mad at him. He tried, Jared, he really tried.”

Jared doesn’t know what she’s talking about and right now he doesn’t care. He pushes his way through the crowd of people gathered in front of Jensen’s door.

Chad voices a question to no one in particular. “Why didn’t you just open the door if you’re all so worried?”

Shannon looks at him like he’s being stupid, and that’s fair enough, because he probably is. “It’s _locked_.”

Jared’s fumbling with his key ring when he spots Phil. “You were supposed to take care of him. Where the fuck were you?”

Phil flushes. “Conference call with Eric. I told Randy to shoot what was on the page, Jared. Nothing more. I have no idea how this happened.”

Jared doesn’t want to hear any excuses. “Find out.” He finally locates the correct key and slots it into the deadbolt. “Everybody back the fuck up. I’ll let you know if we need anything.”

He swings the door open, steps up and lets it slam behind him. That’s when he sees Jensen.

\+ || + || +

Jensen is on the floor, sitting with his back against the couch. He’s soaked in sweat and breathing like he’s just run five miles. His eyes are closed and he is absolutely, totally _gray_. 

Jared hasn’t been this terrified since the ICU. “Jensen?”

Jensen’s eyes open a crack. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

Jared goes down to his knees next to Jen. “Heard there was a little excitement. What are you doing on the floor, man?”

Jensen shrugs, sucks in a pained breath at the motion and closes his eyes again. “Missed the couch. Got down, couldn’t get back up. Sucks.”

“I bet.” Jared wants to touch Jensen, _badly_ , but he’s not sure he can without making it worse. “Where’s the Vicodin?”

“Your trailer.”

“ _Fuck_.”

“Yeah. Didn’t plan things too well. Sorry about that.”

Jared stretches to reach behind Jensen and grab a cushion off the couch. He turns it over in his hands as he weighs their options. There’s really only one, even if Jensen is going to hate it with a passion.

“Jen? I know you’re not going to like this, but I think we need to pay a visit to the ER.”

Jensen’s quiet response sends a frisson of ice down Jared’s spine. “You might be right.”

Fear freezes Jared for an instant before he shakes it off. He can’t help Jensen if he panics. He hands Jen the pillow. “Hug this to your chest.” Jared moves each of Jensen’s legs until his knees are bent in close to his body and his feet are flat on the floor. He positions himself in front of Jensen, squatting so that his legs bracket Jen’s. Jared gets a firm grip on Jensen’s elbows and leans in until their foreheads are resting against each other. “This is probably going to hurt like hell.”

Jensen actually chuckles. “No shit.”

“Take a deep breath, keep your arms locked and let me do the heavy lifting. Piece of cake, right?"

“You bet.”

“Jen…”

“Just do it, Jay.”

Jared counts to three and then stands, bringing Jensen with him. Jensen can’t stop the scream he lets out, even though Jared is sure he tried. Jensen drops the pillow and falls against Jared, unable to bear his own weight. 

“Talk to me, Jen. Do you need me to carry you? ‘Cause I can.”

“ _No_.”

“Jensen.”

“Just gimme a minute. I’ll be okay in a minute.”

Jared keeps a tight hold and rubs his face against the top of Jensen’s head. “You are such a fucking liar.” Jared sighs. “What have you done to yourself, huh? You said you’d be fine.”

“Don’t be mad.”

“You _promised_ me.”

“You can yell at me later, ‘kay?”

Jared nods. He’ll add that to the list.


	5. Chapter 5

Jared slouches in the hard plastic chair. He’s got both legs fully extended, his hands resting on his stomach, fingers loosely interwoven. His eyes are closed, head tipped back, barely resting on the wall behind him. Hours spent in a waiting room very much like this one have taught him a thing or two about maintaining his sanity as time drags by. Experience has been one bitch of a teacher. Unasked for, unwanted, but unavoidable. He tells himself it’s not like the last time. Jensen isn’t in any danger. 

He even tries to _believe_ it.

The ticking of the industrial clock over the entrance seems abnormally loud, patterned like a heartbeat, matched to his own. Taking a deep breath in through his nose, Jared lets it out slowly through his mouth. Again. And again. Maybe if he does it often enough, he’ll reach some state of Zen.

Maybe he’ll be able to open his eyes and not imagine Jensen’s blood coating his hands.

Sandy fidgets nervously beside him and Chad is leaning with feigned nonchalance against the wall to the right. Jared can feel the waves of discomfort coming off both of them. It’s fucking with his Chi.

“You can take the car and go back to the house. This could be awhile.” 

Chad shakes his head. Sandy lays a small hand on Jared’s forearm. She smiles, but it’s a pale imitation of her usual sparkle. “We’re not leaving you here alone.”

Jared closes his eyes again. “I appreciate that, Sandy. I do. But, I’m not leaving without Jensen. And odds are he’s not getting out of here tonight. So, you might want to rethink that.”

There’s tightness in Sandy’s voice. “He’s going to be fine.”

Jared sighs. “Eventually. Yeah.”

Chad’s tone is distinctly bored as he offers his two-cents. “You need to lighten up, Jared. It’s not like he’s on his deathbed.”

Every muscle in Jared’s body tenses and it’s all he can do to stay in his chair. “You did _not_ just say that to me. Really, dude. I know you can be a douche sometimes. Hell, it’s part of your charm. But please tell me that you did not just make a joke about Jensen _dying_.”

Chad lowers his head and mumbles something that might be “sorry.” Jared takes another deep breath. Chad can’t meet his eyes and Sandy looks like she wants to say something. Jared loves them both. He does, but he just doesn’t want them here. The comfort that should come with his fiancée and erstwhile best friend at his side is absent. They don’t care like he does. They aren’t invested like he is. 

It’s not a surprise, really. Chad has always felt threatened by Jensen, as if Jensen usurped Chad’s role in Jared’s life. And he isn’t wrong about that. Sandy is jealous of Jared’s relationship with Jensen, and she definitely resents the amount of time the two spend together. Two months ago, Jared would have shrugged it off. Now he can admit, if only to himself, that she isn’t wrong either.

Jared has been justifiably distracted with Jensen’s recovery. Jensen needs a lot of help and Jared wants to be the one to give it to him. It hasn’t left a lot of time for anything else. Jared hasn’t been back to L.A. since the shooting. Calls to Sandy have been intermittent. Calls to Chad non-existent. They’ve both repeatedly voiced their displeasure with the situation. Sandy through the phone lines, Chad with caps locked text messages.

So, when Chad and Sandy surprised Jared at the studio this morning, he didn’t have the heart to tell them that their timing was for crap. It’s only the fourth day back on set. He wants to concentrate on the work, on keeping an eye on Jensen, making sure that he doesn’t push himself too far. He doesn’t want to have to entertain them.

Jared isn’t a total asshole. He does feel guilty for all but ignoring them the last several weeks. That’s why he let himself be dragged out to dinner. But that’s not exactly true. It wasn’t Sandy’s pleading or Chad’s knowing smirk. It had been Jensen’s voice that had finally muted Jared’s resistance. “Go on, Jay. I’ll be fine.” _I’ll be fine_. 

Now it’s four hours later, and he’s back at Vancouver General Hospital. Sitting in the waiting room trying to find his Zen. Because Jensen is not fine. Jared went to dinner with Sandy and Chad, and now Jensen is absolutely, unequivocally _not fine_. He can’t help but connect the two things in his mind. “I shouldn’t have left him alone.”

“This isn’t your fault, Jared. You couldn’t have known. Jensen’s a grown man, he’s responsible for himself.” Sandy’s words have a desperate ring to them, like she knows there’s no convincing him, but she’s still going to try.

Jared just shakes his head. “It wouldn’t have happened if I’d been there. I wouldn’t have let it.” 

“You don’t even know _what_ happened, Jared. Not really.”

“I know enough,” Jared replies, sharp edge to his voice, and just like that, the conversation is over.

Twenty minutes later, Jared is reaching into his pocket for his keys, ready to insist Sandy and Chad go back to the house when a familiar figure walks into the waiting room. Jared’s on his feet in an instant, meeting the smiling doctor half way, shaking his hand. “Thanks for coming in, Paul. I know it was your day off.”

“Jared. No problem, really. You know I’m too star-struck to ever let anyone else treat the celebrities around here.” 

Jared doesn’t even acknowledge the joke. “How is he?”

Paul’s face smoothes out to a professional mask. He knows Jared well enough to cut to the chase. “He’s in a lot of pain right now, but he’s going to be okay. Sore as hell for awhile, but no major damage.”

“He didn’t tear anything? I mean I know the incision’s healed and all but weren’t there internal stitches, or staples, or something? I think I remember…”

“There were. And it looks like he gave them a good strain. I won’t lie to you, Jared. He’s set himself back a bit. When I released him to work, you both promised me he’d be smart about it. I like you guys, but I can’t say that I’m happy to see you back here.”

Jared face reddens. “I wasn’t there. We have a new second unit director. He doesn’t know us. Doesn’t give a shit about what happened. I’m not sure how Jensen got hurt, but believe me, I will find out.”

Paul says, “Jensen is asking for you” at the exact same time Jared asks to see him. Both men smile. The doctor places a reassuring hand on Jared’s shoulder. “We’re moving him back up to Six for the night. I don’t want to alarm you because he really is going to be okay, but with the level of pain he’s in right now, the only thing that’s going to knock it back is morphine. And Jensen’s had some iffy reactions to that in the past, so I want him where we can watch him.”

“I can go up when he’s settled?”

“Actually, I’m going to take you back now. He won’t let us administer the pain medication until he’s talked to you.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s going to knock him out, and evidently he _really_ wants to talk to you.”

Jared nods and follows the doctor toward the E.R., Sandy and Chad forgotten behind him.

\+ || + || +

Jensen is propped up in bed when Jared enters the room. His green eyes are glazed over with pain and his breath is coming in and going out in short little huffs. 

Jared doesn’t bother with the niceties. “What the hell, Jensen? Let them give you the goddamn morphine.”

Jensen smiles weakly. “I wanted to talk to you first.”

Jared grits his teeth. “Talk fast.”

“‘M sorry.” 

“You should be. I leave you alone for one fucking hour and you end up back in the hospital? What were you thinking, man? Is your pride really worth landing back here?”

“Wasn’t like that. Complicated.”

“Yeah. Well, you can tell me all about it tomorrow. When you’re not out of your mind with pain. Maybe you’ll even be able to manage complete sentences.” Jared’s worry has morphed into pure rage.

“Don’t be mad at me. Don’t you do that.”

“Do _not_ quote lines at me, Jen.”

Even lying in a hospital bed, Jensen has the balls to give Jared the patented Dean Winchester smirk. 

Jared’s not having it. “It’s not funny.”

“C’mon. It’s. A. Little. Funny.”

“ _Jensen_.”

There’s an awkward silence where they meet each other’s eyes. There’s something like apology in Jensen’s, something very much like regret. Jared feels his anger fade away to nothing. Seeing Jensen like this, back in a hospital again, in so much pain he’s vibrating with it — it’s enough to knock the fight clear out of him.

Jared steps closer to the bed and takes Jensen’s hand in his own. “Let ‘em give you the drugs, Jen. Please.”

“In a minute. I just wanted to see you first. Make sure you weren’t pacing a rut into the waiting room floor. Tell you to go on home.”

Jared scoffs. “C’mon Jensen, you _know_ that ain’t gonna happen. You know the rule. If you’re here, I’m here.”

“S’not the same.”

“It’s _exactly_ the same.”

“You got company, Jared.”

Jared laughs outright at that. “Since when are Sandy and Chad company? I think the pain has made you delirious, man.”

“They miss you, Jared. They came all this way to surprise you, just to spend a little time with you. You don’t need to stay with me. Really. I’m fine. Go home with your girl.” Jensen pauses and braces himself exactly like he does for a tough scene. Jared is absolutely dead certain the next thing out of Jensen’s mouth will be something less than the truth. He just knows him that well. “I know that you’ve gotten used to looking after me, Jay. But I don’t… I don’t need you here, okay? Go home.”

Jared is just about to call that for the bullshit it is when another familiar face walks in. It’s the world’s best night nurse. Jared’s lights up at the sight of his friend and confidant. She’s saved his sanity more than once. Jared feels more at ease just for having her in the room. “Hey, Karen.”

Karen smiles brightly at them both. She has a hypodermic in her hand. “Evening, gentlemen.” She cocks an eye at Jensen. “You ready for some relief?”

Jensen hesitates. Jared doesn’t. “He is.” Everyone knows that Jensen can be stubborn, but Jared could give lessons to a mule. He’s just about ready to open his mouth and berate Jensen for being a stoic moron when he’s struck with a better idea.

“If I promise to leave with Sandy and Chad, will you let Karen give you the meds?”

Jensen eyes him suspiciously. “You’ll really go home?”

Jared gives Jensen what he likes to think of as his ‘earnest’ face. “I will.”

“Okay.” The second syllable isn’t even out of Jensen’s mouth before Jared is waving Karen closer. She moves to the opposite side of the bed from Jared and quickly and efficiently injects the morphine into the IV port.

Karen pats Jensen’s shoulder gently. “There you go. One ticket to la la land. We’re going to give it a little while to take effect and then we’ll move you up to your old stomping grounds, okay?”

Jensen attempts a wolfish grin. “Aw, you’ve missed me haven’t you? Go on, you can admit it. Your secret’s safe with me.”

She winks at him but doesn’t answer. “I’ll see you upstairs.” Shooting a speaking glance Jared’s way, she’s out the door.

Jared sits down gingerly on the edge of the bed. Jensen’s breathing already seems a bit easier. The silence stretches out. There are questions Jared wants answers to, the how and the why, but it’ll all keep until the morning. For now, he’s content to just be here with Jensen. To have Jensen here with him. After everything, he’s just grateful Jen’s still here.

“So, how was dinner?” Jensen’s voice startles Jared out of the chick flick moment he’s having inside his head.

Jared gives a half-laugh. “Dinner? The salad was awesome, man. That’s about as far as we got before my phone rang.”

Jensen’s face falls. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Wrecking your night out. Pulling you away from Sandy.” Jensen wrinkles his nose a bit. “And Chad too, I suppose.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“It is. I’ve totally monopolized your time for weeks. You haven’t seen your girl, or your friends. Hell, you’ve barely had time to call your Mom.”

Jared doesn’t understand why Jensen is so riled up. “I think my Mom understands, Jen. You’re pretty much her hero these days.”

“That’s not the point,” Jensen growls. “You can’t even go to dinner without me screwing it up for you. You deserve…”

“You really need to shut up, Jensen. Have you forgotten how all this happened in the first place? Because I haven’t.” Jared’s getting a little riled himself now. “You’re here because of me. You think I give a shit about dinner?”

“You don’t owe me anything, Jay.”

“I owe you _everything_ , you idiot. But guess what. Even if I didn’t, I’d be here anyway. And you’d do the same for me. So, would you please just shut the fuck up about it?”

“Jared.”

“Seriously, Jen. You’re starting to piss me off.”

They glare at each other until Jensen breaks. “Fine. Wouldn’t want to piss you off, Padalecki. Shutting up now.”

Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand. “Good.”

Jensen’s eyes start to droop and Jared can actually see the pain seeping away as his muscles gradually relax. He places his free hand gently on the top of Jensen’s head and ruffles his hair. “Better?”

Jensen gives him the loopy grin of the well and truly stoned. “Yeah. See you tomorrow?” He’s slurring his words and his grip on Jared’s hand is loosening as the drug pulls him under.

Jared bends over and places a kiss right in the center of Jensen’s forehead. “Yeah, Jen. You’ll see me tomorrow.”

Jensen fights the morphine long enough to mumble, “Dude. Did you just kiss me? What’d you do that for?”

Jared chuckles. “Because I can’t smack you the way I’d really like to. _Asshole_.”

“’M not an asshole. You’re the ass…” Jensen’s voice tapers off and he’s out like a light.

“Sure, Jen. Whatever you say, man.”

\+ || + || +

Karen is waiting outside the exam room, standing with her hands on her hips. “You’re actually leaving?” 

“Yep.”

She looks shocked, even a little disappointed, and then her expression clears. “You sly dog. You’re coming right back, aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

“You lied to him.” Her words are accusing, but her tone is pure approval.

“Not really. I _am_ leaving. I didn’t promise I wouldn’t come back”

Karen snorts. “Jensen’s going to be so pissed he didn’t see that coming.”

Jared shrugs. “Don’t really care. I’m gonna run home and get his glasses and a change of clothes for both of us. I’ll be back in an hour. Take care of him for me, okay?”

“We will, Jared. I promise.” 

“Thanks, Karen. You’re an angel.”

“Right, Padalecki. That’s what they all say.” She makes ‘shooing’ motions with her hands. “You go do what you have to do. I’ll make sure there’s a lounger in Jensen’s room with your name on it.”

Jared gives her a quick hug before he leaves. “See? Total angel.”

\+ || + || +

The drive to Jared’s house is marked by a heavy silence. Sandy’s initial pleasure that Jared was willing to leave the hospital changes quickly to poorly veiled frustration when she realizes he has every intention of going back. Her unhappiness fills the car with negative energy that beats against Jared’s skull like a drum. Jared knows she’s bursting to vent, but doesn’t want to go off in front of Chad. That’s just fine with him. It’s not a fight he wants to have anyway. 

He doesn’t want to explain why he needs to go back, or justify his concern for Jensen. Doesn’t want to, doesn’t think he should have to. Knows one more emotional scene today will be one too many. 

He’s been doing a fairly good job at seeming to maintain that elusive calm, but truth is he’s hanging on to his control by his fingernails. If Sandy pushes, if she tries to make him choose, it’s going to end badly. He guesses she must sense that on some level because she’s been uncharacteristically quiet since they pulled out of the parking garage.

They turn into the driveway at Jared’s house and get out of the car. He and Chad both move around to the trunk to get the luggage. When Jared opens the door and steps back to let the others in, the lack of four legged residents rushing up to greet them is immediately obvious.

“You left the dogs outside all day?”

Jared gives her a confused look. “When have I ever left my dogs outside all day?”

She motions to the empty room. “So, where are they?”

“They’re at the kennel. Couldn’t have them running around, jumping all over the place. I wouldn’t have been able to keep them off Jen, and either one of them could have really hurt him when he first got home. I could have kept them in the utility room, but they wouldn’t have understood. It just seemed easier all around. We were actually going to bring them home this weekend, but I guess we’ll be putting that off for a little while.”

Jared doesn’t think twice about his choice of pronouns or casual use of the word ‘home’ as it relates to Jensen, but evidently Sandy does. “You got rid of Harley and Sadie because of Jensen?”

“Christ, Sandy. I didn’t _get rid_ of them. They’re at the fucking doggy spa. It’s like Club Med for canines. They love it there. And I go see them every other day. Why is this such a big deal for you?”

Sandy is seething. “I can’t even get you to keep them out of the bedroom when I’m here and you’re asking why it’s a big deal?”

While Jared’s trying to formulate his response, Chad heads toward the guest room with his bag. Jared holds up his hand to Sandy in the universal gesture for ‘hang on a minute’ and calls out to Chad. “Sorry, man. That’s Jensen’s. You’re gonna have to settle for the couch tonight.”

Chad turns back to face Jared, eyebrow raised. “Jensen’s not here right now.”

Given the circumstances, Jared doesn’t appreciate Chad’s sarcasm. “Yes, Chad. I am aware. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s his room. Sorry if the accommodations don’t meet your high standards, pal. But it’s not as if I knew you were coming.”

Chad practically sneers. “Well, excuse the fuck out of me. Didn’t realize I needed an invitation all of a sudden.”

“Chad.” Sandy’s tone is full of warning, against what, Jared isn’t exactly sure. Chad probably knows, but he’s not heeding it.

“C’mon, Sandy. You’re just as sick of this shit as I am. You know you are. Just tell him already!”

Jared looks to his girlfriend. “Tell me what?”

Sandy takes a step closer to Jared. “I love you, Jared. I miss you. Ever since – ever since Jensen got hurt, he’s all you have time for. I never see you. You hardly call. I just miss you.”

Jared knows there’s more to it. “And?”

Sandy looks away, as if she can find what she wants to say next floating somewhere in the corner of the room. Chad steps into the temporary lull. “And you’re a little obsessed with Jensen Ackles, dude. We come all this way to surprise you and we have to practically beg you to go to dinner because you don’t want to leave him alone for a couple of hours. That’s fucked up, man.”

“Is it really? Seems like I was right to be worried, Chad. Jensen is in the hospital, isn’t he? I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine all of that.” Jared thinks of the frantic ride to the ER, Jensen trembling and sweating in the passenger seat. He wishes it _had_ been a dream.

“He’s an adult, Jared. Like Sandy said earlier, he’s responsible for himself. What he did tonight, what he did six weeks ago, that’s all on him. You don’t owe him anything. You’re neglecting your family, all of your other friends, and your _fiancé_ while you run around taking care of your co-star. Is that really who you want to be?”

Jared sees Sandy watching him carefully, trepidation in her eyes. Chad probably thinks all he has to do is push hard on the right buttons and Jared will come around. Chad’s always thought Jared was an easy mark, but then, Chad’s always been full of shit. Jared can feel Sandy’s anxiety rise.

She knows Jared better than that.

\+ || + || +

Jared is exhausted, emotions battering him from all sides. He’s worried about Jensen. He feels guilty for leaving Jensen on set by himself and he’s frustrated because he doesn’t really know what happened after he left. He’s angry with Jen for getting hurt again and angry with Phil and the others for letting it happen. All he wants to do at this point is pack a bag, get back to the hospital and crash in Jen’s room until morning. And he resents Chad and Sandy for bringing this all up tonight. Jensen is in the _hospital_ for Christ’s sake. Jared does not want to be standing here, listening to Chad of all people lecture him on how to live his life.

He tries to gather his thoughts into some sort of sense before he responds. It would be so easy to let loose, but he has to be careful. The tension that’s been ratcheting up since the hospital is threatening to explode and leave complete and utter devastation in its wake. 

Jared knows it wouldn’t be fair to take it all out on Sandy and Chad, but something about this visit has felt off since the jump, and the sense of discomfort he felt in the waiting room has only amplified as the night’s worn on. He runs through every conversation, struggling to pin it down. 

The whole situation almost feels like an intervention. Like they think Jensen is some bad habit that Jared needs to break. Everything Sandy said, everything Chad said, and everything _Jensen_ said echoes and loops in his head until they all seem to be saying the same thing.

_“I just miss you.”_

_“They miss you, Jared.”_

_“You’re neglecting your family, all of your other friends, and your fiancée while you run around taking care of your co-star.”_

_“I’ve totally monopolized your time for weeks. You haven’t seen your girl, or your friends. Hell, you’ve barely had time to call your Mom.”_

_“You don’t owe him anything.”_

_“You don’t owe me anything, Jay.”_

If Jared were a cartoon, there’d be a light bulb over his head. Or an anvil smashing into it. “Which one of you talked to Jensen?”

Surprisingly, it’s Chad who has the grace to look guilty. Sandy just looks scared. “Jared…”

Jared shakes his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. You know it’s a bad time, but you come anyway. I don’t want to leave work, so you go to Jensen, and what? Make him feel like a selfish prick because I’ve been taking care of him, after he got shot saving my life? What the fuck are you thinking? Can you really be that self-centered?” 

Sandy sighs. “He’s all you talk about, Jared. He’s all you think about. What am I supposed to do?”

“You could try to understand. You could try being patient. It’s only been six weeks. Jensen won’t need this kind of help forever.”

Chad grunts in disbelief. “You don’t want it to be over, man. You like being needed by him. You’re so tangled up you can’t even see what you’re losing in the process.”

Jared’s officially had just about enough of this. Utter devastation dead ahead, and he can’t even bring himself to care. “So I’m a bad friend, right? A bad boyfriend?” He looks to Chad first. “You’re feeling neglected?” Then to Sandy, “You too?”

“No. I just wish you could find time for me. I used to be the most important thing in your life.”

Jared takes a very deep breath. “Let me get this straight. Six weeks ago, some girl in Idaho goes off her medication. And nobody around her notices. She starts hearing voices and seeing things. She starts believing a TV show she watches is for real. She thinks I’m Sam Winchester and Sam is the Anti-Christ. She’s convinced the only way to save the world from Armageddon is to kill Sam, kill _me_. She gets a gun and shows up on our set. You’ve heard this story, right? You know how it ends? I’m pretty sure it made the news. Fuck, I think they even ran it on Entertainment Tonight.”

Sandy starts to cry. “Jared, please…”

It feels too easy to ignore her now. “Someone tries to kill me and the only reason they don’t succeed is because Jensen takes the bullet. And Jen nearly _dies_. But, I’m a shitty friend. And a shitty boyfriend. Because I didn’t realize _it was all about you_?”

Sandy grabs on to Jared’s arm. “It’s not like that.”

He shakes her off. “It is exactly like that. I’m too busy taking care of Jensen. I should be taking care of you. Well, thank God, you both had someone to see you through this trying time. At least you had each other while I was off being an obsessive, insensitive asshole.”

Chad lets out a choked sound and Sandy flushes beet red. Jared looks from one to the other and when the pieces fit together there’s almost an audible click. “Well, fuck me.” He looks over at Chad. “Isn’t she a little old for you, dude?”

Sandy is sobbing now. “It didn’t mean anything. We were drunk.”

Jared shoots a contemptuous glance at Chad. “I guess you would have had to be.”

Sandy grabs at Jared again. “ _Please_ , let me explain.”

Jared stares at her hand gripping his forearm, ring finger glinting in the low light. If his eyes are hard when he raises them to hers, his voice is solid steel. “No.”

Chad stumbles forward, one hand raised. “Jared, man. It wasn’t…”

“I don’t care what it was or wasn’t, Chad. It happened. That’s all I need to know.” Jared grimaces. “More than I wanna know, actually.” He stoops to pick up Jensen’s glasses from the coffee table and heads towards the closet to grab a duffle for the stuff he wants to take to the hospital. “Phone number for the cab company’s on the fridge. Use it. I’ve got somewhere to be and I want you the fuck out of my house.”

Jared looks over at Sandy, collapsed on the couch and crying uncontrollably. He lets a wave of regret wash over and through him, and then straightens his shoulders. “Keep the ring. But leave your key on the table.” 

There is only shocked silence as he closes the bedroom door.

\+ || + || +

By the time Jared makes his way back to the hospital, visiting hours have ended. The elevator doors open, but he knows from experience the car is going nowhere without the after hours code. He enters the last sequence he memorized into the keypad. No joy. Jared powers his phone back up and scrolls through his contacts until he gets to “6Station”, musing as the phone rings on how bizarre his life has become that he has a hospital on speed dial. 

Mercifully, he’s saved from long explanations combined with possible begging when Karen is the one who picks up. “Sixth floor. This is Karen.”

“Hey, Karen. It’s Jared.”

“Jared. You said an hour. You’re late.” 

Jared’s pretty sure she’s just teasing him, but the way his day’s been going, he’s not taking any chances. “Yes, ma’am. Things were a bit complicated at home.” And if _that_ isn’t the understatement of the century. “Can you give me the new code, please?”

“You know, I could get in a lot of trouble if I give you that code. How ‘bout you take the stairs and I’ll meet you at the door?” Jared’s halfway to the stairwell when Karen starts to laugh. “Kidding, Jared. I was kidding. Since when can’t you take a joke? Get back in the elevator.”

Jared huffs a sigh. “Sorry. I’m just…”

Karen’s voice goes soft with understanding. “No. I’m sorry. I should save the cracks until tomorrow at least. I know you’re worried.”

“No offense, Karen, ‘cause you know you’re my favorite and all, but hopefully I’m not gonna be seeing you tomorrow night. So, have at it I guess, but could you give me the code first?” She rattles off four numbers; Jared punches the corresponding buttons and the elevator is in motion. 

The nurse’s station is just outside the elevator doors. Karen immediately comes around the counter to lead Jared to Jensen’s room. “He’s down this way. You guys lucked out. No roommate.” She pushes open the door to 614 and steps inside. “One lounger as promised. I even scrounged up a pillow and a blanket for you. Am I awesome, or what?”

Jared wants to answer and say _totally dude_ complete with the appropriate accent. He even tries, but he can’t seem to push it past the lump that rises in his throat the second he sees Jensen in yet another hospital bed. This is getting old. This is getting _really fucking old_.

He’s on the verge of tears suddenly and it pisses him off. Jensen’s all right. Yeah, it’s a setback. But Jen’s going be okay, he just needs rest. They’ll spend the night and tomorrow Jared will take Jensen home. There’s no reason to cry about it. He’d ended his engagement tonight without flinching. Told one of his oldest friends to fuck off and _meant_ it. He hadn’t wavered, hadn’t even teared up. Yet here he is, dangerously close to breaking down because – because Jensen has gone and hurt himself again. And Jared didn’t stop it.

Karen steps right up to him. Placing a hand on each of his biceps, she squeezes hard, forcing him to look at her. “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t go back there. He’s fine.”

“Yeah?” His voice is small, like a three-year-old seeking reassurance.

Karen doesn’t let him down. “It’s not like last time. He’s not in any danger.”

“I know, I just… He looks so… And I can’t… I can’t lose him.”

“Hey, none of that. You’re not going to lose him.” She tugs Jared over to the lounge chair and keeps her hand on his arm as he lowers himself down. “He just needs to rest. And so do you. Try to get some sleep, Jared.”

Jared shakes his head. “Don’t think that’s likely.”

Karen’s smile is understanding. “Then watch Jensen sleep. Listen to him breathe. You’ll both feel better in the morning.”

“You really are totally awesome. Thanks, Karen.”

“No problem. _Dude_.”

They’re both chuckling quietly as she leaves.

\+ || + || +

A few hours later, Jared’s still following orders, still watching Jensen sleep, still listening to him breathe. He figures maybe he’s found his Zen right here, matching each of his own breaths to Jensen’s. Jen looks like a little boy, despite the day’s worth of stubble gracing his face. Jared’s fingers itch to reach out and touch, to trace the definition of Jensen’s jaw line all the way up to a spot behind his ear. 

There’s a knee-jerk _whoa there, where in hell did that come from_. The same reaction that’s had Jared backing away from Jensen every time they get too close. Because, sure, Jensen is gorgeous. And funny. And pretty much one of Jared’s favorite people. _Ever_. But, Jared’s straight. Well, _mostly_ straight. He’s definitely monogamous, though, and he’s got a girl. He’s got Sandy… 

But, that’s not quite true any more. He _had_ a girl. Had a beautiful girl who got tired of him spending so much time with Jensen and ended up in bed with Chad Michael Murray. And it's strange. It's sad and it's shocking, but it doesn’t feel like Jared thinks it should. He lost his fiancée tonight, ended a years long friendship. But it doesn’t _hurt_. He isn’t angry. He isn’t sorry. Instead, Jared feels vaguely relieved. He’s almost grateful to them for giving him the excuse, because now it’s just him and Jensen. Now he can… _Shit_. 

Jared jerks up with a jolt; one booted footed hitting the floor with a clunk that seems to echo through the room. Jensen stirs and Jared cringes. _Don’t wake up. Don’t wake up. Please, don’t wake up_.

“Jared?”

“Shhh, Jen. Just me bein’ clumsy. Go back to sleep, ‘kay?

Jensen blinks blearily then struggles to rise as he takes in his surroundings. “Hospital? Shit, Jay. What...?”

Jared practically trips himself on his blanket trying to get to Jensen before he does more damage to himself. He places his hands very carefully on Jensen’s shoulders and presses lightly until he settles down. “Lay still, Jen. It’s okay. I’m here. Go back to sleep.”

Jensen shakes his head a little as if to clear it. He starts to bring up a hand to rub at his face, dropping it immediately when he feels the pull on his sore chest muscles. Jared sits on the edge of the bed, keeping hold of Jensen, trying to gauge his level of awareness.

Jensen’s eyes are a long way from lucid, but Jared can tell Jensen knows where he is – and remembers how he got here. What he can’t tell with any confidence is how badly Jen is hurting. He must still be in pain or he wouldn’t have woken so easily. “Do you need more drugs?”

Jensen glares at him. “Aren’t you supposed to be at home?”

Butter wouldn’t melt in Jared’s mouth. “Am I?”

“Knock it off, Jared. You said you were going home.”

“And I did.” Jared waits for it. In three, two, one…

“You sneaky bastard.”

Jared laughs. “Karen said you’d be pissed.”

Jensen smiles in spite of himself. “Well, she _is_ a trained professional.”

“And you are extremely predictable.”

“Shut up, Padalecki.”

“You shut up.”

“Make me.”

Jared snorts and gives into the urge to touch, scrubbing a hand through the hair on the top of Jensen’s head. “Maybe later. You don’t offer much of a challenge when you’re doped up, and I am a man of honor.”

Jensen snorts right back. “Honor, my ass.”

“Honor your ass? Just what kind of kinky shit are you into, Jensen?”

Jensen gives an aborted laugh and his face clenches in pain. Jared reaches for the call button. 

“No. No more.”

“Jen.”

“I don’t like the way it makes me feel, Jay. It fucks me up. I’d rather deal with the pain.”

Jared hears what Jensen isn’t saying. _I don’t like being out of control. I don’t want to be vulnerable_. Jared gets it, he does. Sleepy, drugged out Jensen has a tendency to make Jared uncomfortable too. They’ve played this scene a few times in the course of Jensen’s recovery. In the twilight haze between actual awareness and the total oblivion of the narcotic, Jensen is always heartbreakingly open, painfully honest. Just Jensen, with none of his usual barriers up. Jared has struggled each and every time not to take advantage of that. He’s struggling now. He doesn’t want to push Jensen, to take something Jen wouldn’t willingly give, but there’s something inside Jared demanding that openness tonight. Jared _needs_ it. 

Not to mention the fact that he simply cannot bear to see Jensen in any more pain. “Please, Jen. For me.” Jared feels a flash of shame, playing that card - the same card Jared’s pretty sure Sandy used. Even that poor messed up girl from Idaho had used it. Apparently, everyone knows there’s nothing Jensen won’t do for Jared. Jared’s a bastard, manipulating Jensen just like the others, but he tells himself it’s for the greater good. He believes it is and that eases the guilt a bit, even as he follows up his plea with Sam Winchester’s world famous ‘puppy dog’ eyes.

Jensen groans. “Oh, Jesus. Put those away. Fine. Call Karen. Turn me into a drug addict. See if I care. But don’t come crying to me when I’m hocking your big screen for my next hit.”

Jared’s flashing both dimples as he presses the call button.

\+ || + || +

Karen’s been and gone, a mix of brisk professionalism as she checked Jensen’s vitals and chiding older sister as she gave Jared hell for waking him up. Jared is still balanced on the side of the bed. For the second time tonight, he’s holding Jensen’s hand. He keeps expecting Jensen to pull away, or at the very least bust his chops for being a girl, but Jensen isn’t doing either. Jared thinks that Jen probably senses how much Jared needs to be hanging on to him right now. Maybe, just maybe, Jensen needs it too. 

Jensen is starting to fade, but it will be a few minutes until he’s out again. Jared’s been biding his time, waiting for the drugs to kick back in so he can ask Jensen some questions he probably shouldn’t and tell Jensen some things that maybe neither one of them are ready to hear. “Jen, I…”

“You should go home, Jay. Get some real sleep. Gotta work tomorrow.”

“What? No, way man. First of all, staying right here. Second, there’s no way you’re gonna be up to working tomorrow.”

“First of all, you’ve got guests. How is it that the drugged guy keeps remembering that and you can’t? Second, just ‘cause I fucked up and can’t work doesn’t mean you can’t. We’re so far behind schedule, we can’t even see it from here. Kripke’s pulling what’s left of his hair out as we speak, you know he is. You’ve got to go back to work, Jared.”

Jared’s mouth tightens. “Not without you.” Jensen starts to speak, but Jared just talks right over him. “We’re not having this argument again, Jensen. I am _not_ going to just go on my merry way while you are in the _hospital_. Kripke can wait.” Jared pauses and then continues in a tone laden with feeling, “Everything else can wait.”

“You’re being stupid,” Jensen grumbles.

Jared smirks. “I prefer the term stubborn.”

“Whatever.” Jensen is blinking more often as he starts to feel the effects of the morphine in force. “How ‘bout we compromise?”

“Exactly what do you have in mind?”

“Paul’s probably gonna let me go tomorrow, right?”

“I’m not leaving you home alone. It would be worse than leaving you here.”

“Take me with. I can hang in my trailer. Or yours. At least one of us should be working.”

Jared nods. “That could work. I’ll call Kim in the morning and set it up. I’ve got to call the kennel, too. Let them know we won’t being getting Harley and Sadie this weekend.”

Jensen makes a hurt little sound. “Why not?” Jared just looks at him, waiting for the Jensen to realize the obvious. “I’ll be fine by Saturday, Jay. They’ve already been gone so long. I know you miss them. Hell, _I_ miss them, and they probably don’t remember their own back yard, and it’s all my fault. And I just…”

Jensen’s eyes are shimmering, glazed over by the painkillers and – Christ, are those _tears_? They are. Jared watches as Jensen’s eyes fill. One tear escapes and then another. Jared feels his heart lurch. “Hey, no. Don’t cry, Jen.” He leans in and brushes his thumb against the dampness on Jensen’s cheek. “It’s okay. Really. Harley and Sadie love it there. They’re fine.”

Jensen takes a gulping breath. “They should be home.”

Jared hears the desperation in Jensen’s tone and something inside him breaks at the sound of it. This is Jensen, blown wide and laid low by the pain and the morphine. Raw in a way he would never normally be and drowning in guilt over Jared’s _dogs_ of all things. And, God, if Jensen feels this bad about the kids, how’s he going to react when he hears about Sandy? Jared’s fiercely glad he decided not to tell Jensen about it tonight. He’ll wait until later. _Much_ later. 

Reasonable and rational are not going to get through to Jensen right now. If Jared tries to explain, yet again, how none of this is Jensen’s fault it’s going to get him exactly nowhere. Jared wants to break Jensen out of his guilty spiral, so he does the one thing he knows will work. He goes for the cheap shot. 

“You know, Dean Winchester would never cry over a couple of puppies. You sure you weren’t a girl in your previous life?”

Jensen looks at Jared blankly. There’s a beat where he could go either way, get pissed or laugh it off. In the end, he just shakes his head ruefully. “I hate the fuckin’ drugs, Jay.”

“I know you do.” Jared lowers his voice. “Just sleep now, ‘kay? It’s all going to be better in the morning.” Jensen is blinking slower now, eyes remaining closed longer than they’re open. Jared can’t resist leaning in and pressing his forehead to Jensen’s.

Jensen’s so quiet Jared can barely hear him. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“This. Everything. Thanks for being here.”

Jared raises their joined hands to his own chest, pressing the back of Jensen’s palm above his heartbeat. “Don’t mention it.”

Jensen’s eyes stay closed. “Jared?”

“Hmmm?”

“You holding my hand?”

“I am.”

“s’nice.”

Jared’s smile is as soft as his whisper. “It is.”

Jensen sleeps.


	6. Chapter 6

Jared is used to the dogs being gone so he’s expecting to be met with only silence when he opens his front door the next morning. He’s not expecting the sound of running water coming from the kitchen or the stereo playing low in the background. It stops him short and Jensen, trailing blearily behind, runs straight into him. Jared spins and grabs the sleeve of Jensen’s coat to keep him from landing on his ass.

“Sorry.”

Jensen blinks. “What’s wrong?”

Jared just shakes his head. He still hasn’t told Jensen about Sandy and Chad. Jensen’s not surprised that the house isn’t empty. Jared shouldn’t be either. It was wishful thinking to believe that they’d just go. That would be too easy.

It _shouldn’t_ be easy.

There’s a pillow and a blanket on the couch. Jared walks over to the entertainment center and turns the music off. Whatever scene is about to play out, it doesn’t need a soundtrack. Jensen is waiting for an explanation, but Jared doesn’t know where to begin.

Sandy appears in the kitchen doorway, drying her hands on a dishtowel. She looks from Jared to Jensen and back again. There’s an accusation in her eyes and it rubs Jared the wrong way. He knows he’s not blameless in all of this, but Jensen is and she has no business looking at him like he doesn’t belong in Jared’s home.

Jensen may not know exactly what’s going on, but it’s obvious from Sandy’s demeanor that something is. He starts to move toward the guest room, still a little wobbly on his feet from the drugs and residual pain. “I should….”

Jared takes him by the elbow and leads him over to the couch. “You should sit down before you fall down. That’s what you should do.” Jared barely has him situated before Jensen’s trying to get up again. Jared holds him there with a firm hand on his shoulder. Sandy watches, her expression cool.

Jared keeps his hand right where it is. “Where’s Chad?”

“He went to a hotel last night.”

“Good.” Jared owes Sandy a lot more than _leave your key_ , but he doesn’t owe Chad jack shit.

“We need to talk.”

“Yeah. We do.” He tilts his head in the direction of the kitchen. Sandy nods and disappears from the doorway.

Jensen is wide-eyed and anxious. “Jay? What’s going on?”

Jared squeezes his shoulder. “Nothing you need to worry about. Just rest for a little while. Then we’ll get cleaned up and head in.”

“If this is about me being here…”

Something in Jensen’s tone catches Jared’s attention, and not in a good way. “Why would you think it’s about you?”

“I know she doesn’t like it when I…”

“When you…?”

“When I’m around when she’s around.”

Jared knows Jensen’s still feeling the effects of the morphine, but that makes no sense at all. “How about you try that again. In English this time.”

“She hardly ever gets to see you. I see you all the time. Even before – even before. So when she’s around, I should – not be around, I guess?”

“Says who?”

Jensen squirms, and Jared has another light-bulb moment. “Sandy said that?” The flush on Jensen’s face is answer enough. “When exactly did this conversation take place?”

Jensen rubs his hand across the back of his neck. It’s a tell that he and Dean share. It’s clear from his face that Jen doesn’t want to talk about this, but they’re going to anyway. 

“Answer me, Jen.”

“About halfway through the first season. She came up with you after Christmas break. And she asked me – she asked me to make myself scarce whenever she was around.”

“And you said _yes_?”

“She’s your girlfriend, Jay.”

_Not anymore_ , Jared thinks, but now is not the time for that revelation. “Why didn’t you tell me? You should have told me, Jensen.”

“I knew it would upset you.”

“Damn straight, it upsets me.”

“I didn’t want to cause trouble. I didn’t want you to think you had to choose.”

Jared hears the _I didn’t want to lose you_ and it rocks him back on his feet. “I would _never_ –.”

“I knew that, I mean I _hoped_ , but…” Jensen closes his eyes and lets his head fall back on the couch. “I just wanted you to be happy.”

Jared thinks of Sandy waiting in the kitchen and the inevitable post-mortem about to take place. He looks at Jensen, exhausted and wrung out, and thinks of all of the possibilities opening up for them now.

“I am going to be happy, Jen.” _And so are you_.

\+ || + || +

Sandy is sitting at the table, staring into a cup of coffee. There’s one waiting for Jared as well. She looks up as he sits down. “You have every right to be mad.” 

“I’m not mad.” Jared factors in Jensen’s confession moments ago and amends his statement. “I’m not angry about you sleeping with Chad.”

“It was an accident.”

Jared laughs without humor. “Sure. You tripped. He tripped. Whatever. Do me a favor, okay? Don’t treat me like a total idiot.”

“Jared.”

“I’m serious, Sandy. I know a lot of this is my fault. I know that I haven’t been giving you what you need. But you made a choice. It wasn’t an _accident_. I don’t think it makes you a bad person, but you are responsible.”

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

“I already have.”

Sandy’s body goes lax with relief. She leans toward Jared and stretches out her hand. “Then we can work this out.”

Jared moves back just enough to be out of reach. “No. I’m sorry. We can’t.”

“But you said….”

“I’m not mad. I do forgive you. But this?” He waves a hand in the space between them. “This is finished.”

Her eyes fill. “Jared, please.”

“We should have been over a long time ago.” He keeps his tone purposefully gentle. “I haven’t been happy. You haven’t been happy. It’s always so much work.”

“Relationships are supposed to be work.”

“Not like this. It’s supposed to be about wanting to be with someone, not just feeling like you should.”

“I don’t understand.”

Jared struggles to find the right words, because he’s only just beginning to understand it himself and she’s entitled to an explanation. Some of it’s about his relationship with Sandy, and some of it’s about Jensen, but most of it is about Jared. What he wants and what he needs. What finally feels right to him.

“The whole time we were in Texas during the strike, everyone, and I mean _everyone_ , kept asking me when I was going to make an honest woman out of you. Mom, Meg, Dad – it never stopped. And I got to thinking. We’d been together for years, and it’s what people do, it’s what people expect. So, I bought a ring and took you to Paris. I did it because I thought it was the next step. I did it because I thought I _should_.”

“I thought you loved me.”

“I did. I do. But not like that. Not anymore.” Sandy flinches. “It isn’t just me, Sandy. You know that. You never would have slept with Chad otherwise.”

She twists her ring around her finger before taking it off and setting it on the table in front of him. “You should take this back.”

“I don’t want it.” It’s more than the ring he’s saying no to. It’s the wedding, the white picket fence and the apple pie life.

“You never really did, did you?”

He shakes his head sadly. “No. I guess I never really did.”

\+ || + || +

Jared stays at the table while Sandy calls a cab and gathers up her stuff. His coffee goes untouched. Sandy moves around like a ghost, like she’s already gone. When she’s done in the bedroom she comes back to the kitchen. She doesn’t sit down and Jared is relieved. 

He’s glad that they talked. He only told her part of the truth, but he told her the part that mattered. Jensen is a separate issue in his mind, and to talk to her about that will only invite disaster. They’ve managed to keep it civil and he wants it to stay that way.

He wishes the cab would hurry up and get here.

Sandy leans against the counter, arms crossed. It doesn’t take an expert in body language to know her posture screams _defensive_. “I’m meeting Chad at the hotel. Our flight leaves at six.”

Jared starts to say _call me when you get there_. It’s habit, their little routine. He always tells her to check-in, wants to hear that she gets home safe. It’s only one item on a long list of things he’ll have to let go of now. He feels a sharp stab of loss and nods instead.

Sandy looks toward the living room. “Jensen’s asleep.” There’s an undertone when she says the name and Jared tenses immediately.

“Please don’t do that, Sandy. This isn’t about Jensen.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“You need to leave Jensen out of it. He is _not_ the reason we broke up.”

“No. He’s just the reason you’re totally fine with it.” Her smile is brittle. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Jared.”

There’s not much he can say to that because she’s absolutely right. He takes the hit because he knows he deserves it. 

His soft _I’m sorry_ is lost in peal of the doorbell.

“There’s my ride.” Sandy shoulders her overnight bag while Jared grabs her suitcase. He walks with her through the living room. They both avoid even glancing at the couch.

Jared opens the front door and hands the suitcase to the driver. “She’ll be there in a minute.”

They stand there for a moment, Sandy on one side of the threshold, Jared on the other. She looks like she’s gearing up for one last plea or, at the very least, one last comment. Jared holds on to the edge of the door and thinks _please, no_. The corner of Sandy’s mouth quirks up. “Take care of yourself, Jared.”

“You too.”

They don’t touch. They don’t say goodbye. Sandy turns on her heel and walks away.

It’s over.

\+ || + || +

It’s too much to hope for that Jensen slept through the doorbell. 

Jared stays where he is, his back to the room, palm pressed flat against the door. He feels like an untethered balloon, like if he isn’t careful he could just drift away on a rising swell of _what ifs_. He uses the solid feel of the wood beneath his fingers to ground himself to the _here_. The sound of Jensen’s breathing keeps him in the _now_.

When Jared turns around it's absolutely no surprise to find Jensen’s eyes are open and focused on him with the intensity of a laser beam. “Something you want to tell me?” 

There’s confusion, but there’s worry too and Jared just can’t have that. He pastes on a smile and moves over to the couch. “Not now, okay? We’re already running behind. I’ll tell you all about it later.” Jared reaches out and when Jensen grabs his hand, he pulls until he’s standing – smack in the middle of Jared’s personal space. Neither of them lets go. Neither steps away.

Jensen ducks his head. “Tell me one thing now.”

Jared leans in until his mouth is at Jensen’s ear. “Anything.”

“Tell me you’re okay.”

That may be the easiest thing that Jensen’s ever asked of him. Jared cups his free hand around Jensen’s jaw and tilts his face so he can clearly read the truth in Jared’s. “I’m okay, Jen.”

He really is.

\+ || + || +

When they get to the studio, Jared takes a minute to be sure that Jensen is settled in before he heads off to find Phil. Last night had been all about getting Jensen taken care of. Jared hadn’t concerned himself with the specifics. Now that he’s sure that Jensen is going to be all right, he wants answers. 

One of the grips tells him that Phil is with Kim. As Jared makes his way across the set, he notices it’s unusually quiet and subdued. Everyone he comes across seems to be concentrating solely on the work in front of them. There’s no idle chatter, no raucous laughter ringing out at inappropriate times. Jensen getting hurt again has cast a pall over everything. It’s as if the entire crew is holding their breath, just waiting for whatever comes next.

The office door is wide open. Jared can see Kim and Phil. They’re seated side by side, backs to the door, watching something on the wall mounted television. Jared hears the sound of someone in a great deal of pain on the playback. His eyes fly to the screen, because it’s _Jensen_.

It’s last night’s scene, in living color. Jensen is tied to a chair, hands behind his back. Beads of sweat glimmering on his forehead beneath the stupid birthday hat that isn’t so funny after all. And it’s wrong on so many levels Jared can barely process it. He knows the scene; he’s read the sides. Dean’s arms are supposed to be secured to the arms of the chair.

Jensen can’t tie his own fucking shoes yet, and some bastard second unit director put him in chair and _tied his hands behind his back_. Jared flashes on all of the times he’s seen Jensen wince doing the simplest things – sitting up, sitting down, reaching for the remote. This? This had to have hurt like fucking hell.

Jensen’s involuntary groan must have wrecked the shot. Jared hears Randy say _go again_ from somewhere out of camera range. On-screen, Jensen takes a deep breath that looks like it hurts more than it helps. Jared feels like throwing up. It’s like watching someone be tortured.

His voice, when he finds it, sounds as if he’s been chewing on gravel. “How many takes?”

Kim and Phil both jump a little in their seats. Kim cuts the tape off and rises to face Jared, expression grim. “Six.”

Jesus fucking _Christ_.

Phil’s watching Jared like he’s a ticking time bomb, and that’s a pretty accurate description of how Jared feels. Jared had his little breakdown in the hospital stairwell, but he hasn’t gotten his blow-up yet. Anger has taken a backseat to other emotions – fear, worry, relief. But he _is_ angry. He’s _been_ angry. And now _this_.

He wants to scream. He wants to break something. He wants to beat something _bloody_.

“Randy better be gone.”

Kim nods. “Randy is _long_ gone.” 

“If I see him right now…”

“Not gonna happen, Jared. I fired his ass this morning. You won’t be seeing him again.”

“I think I would kill him. I really think I would.” It’s a surprising and unpleasant realization for Jared, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Jared expects Kim to be horrified, or to try and talk him down, but Kim remains matter of fact. “You’ve been through a lot.”

Kim’s opinion means the world to Jared, and getting that validation from him goes a long way toward leveling Jared off. He still feels as if his body is too big for his skin, but he’s not so close to exploding anymore. Jared points at the television. “Please tell me you’re not going to use that.”

Kim shakes his head. “No. We’re keeping it in case Randy causes a fuss with the DGA, but we’re not using it. Ben’s working on the re-write. He’s going to change it up. Have Sam disappear instead of Dean. We’ll use Jensen’s double as much as we can. Shoot from the back and have Jen dub the sound in at post.”

“Thank you.” 

Kim flashes an impish grin. “No problem. Why don’t you go take it easy? Check on your partner in crime. We’ll let you know when we have the new pages.”

That sounds good to Jared.

\+ || + || +

Jared doesn’t remember a single detail of his walk back to the trailer. One minute he’s in Kim’s office, the next he’s staring down at Jensen dozing in the RV-sized easy chair. His anger hasn’t gone away, it’s just faded to a more manageable hum. Looking at Jensen, Jared realizes there’s one more person he’s pretty pissed at. 

Being mad at Jensen doesn’t make Jared want to break things; it makes him want to _grab_ something. He wants to grab on to Jensen and never let go. Maybe shake him once or twice until he promises to never do this to Jared again. He’s getting a little bored with Jensen scaring the shit out of him.

He’s so tired of being afraid.

Jared lowers himself to the floor. He wraps both arms around Jensen’s calf and lays his face against his thigh. It’s like he told Jeannie, Jensen isn’t quite up to hugging yet. This is the best that he can do.

It’s not long before Jared feels the hesitant touch of fingers on the top of his head. He squeezes Jensen’s leg in approval. Jen takes the hint and buries his fingers in Jared’s hair, rubbing gently.

“What happened?

Jared keeps his face hidden. “I saw the tape.”

Jensen’s fingers still. “Oh.”

“Why did you let him do that to you, Jen? It couldn’t have just been your pride.”

“It’s….”

“Complicated. I know. Make it simple. Use small words if you have to.”

“He changed the set-up. I told him I wouldn’t do it that way. He tried to make me look like a pussy, but I blew him off. Then he started in on how far behind we were, how we needed to get something on tape and how it needed to be amazing. He said that Kim made the change and if I wouldn’t do it he’d have to send everybody home.”

Jared growls. “Fucking liar.”

“Yeah. The entire crew called bullshit on that one. But then….”

“What?”

“Then he said that time was money and if I wouldn’t work, then he’d have to call you, and – and I didn’t want you to have to come back in.”

Jared finally looks up, resting his chin on Jensen’s knee. Jensen’s hand slides down until it’s resting against the back of Jared’s neck.

Jared sighs. “He used me to get to you.”

“I guess.”

“You’re an idiot, you know that? I wouldn’t have cared about coming back. I didn’t want to leave in the first place.”

“Sandy said...”

Jared shakes his head. “We’re not talking about her now.”

“But we _will_ later, right?”

“One thing at a time. Finish this first.”

Jensen plays with Jared’s hair absently. “Not much more to tell. After the fourth or fifth take, Serge refused to film anymore.”

“Sixth.”

“Huh?”

“It was _six_ takes.”

“Wow. I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.”

Jared digs the point of his chin into the dip above Jensen’s kneecap, feeling a surge of satisfaction when Jensen jolts. “Stop making jokes. It isn’t funny.”

“Ouch! Fine. No more jokes.”

“You can’t keep doing this, Jen. You can’t keep hurting yourself for my sake.”

“Maybe I think you’re worth it.”

“Maybe you could find other ways to show me. Ever think of that?”

It’s the closest either one of them has come to naming this thing that’s growing between them and Jared is relieved when Jensen doesn’t even pretend to misunderstand.

“Not now, Jay. Not _yet_.”

Jared wants to ask _why_ , but even in his head he sounds like a whiney three-year-old. He blows out an exasperated breath. “What am I going to do with you?”

Jensen gives him a little smile and sets his fingers in motion again. “You’ll figure something out.”

\+ || + || +

“She slept with Chad.” 

“Excuse me?”

“Sandy. She slept with Chad.”

They’re on their way home. Both of them sprawled in the back seat, privacy screen firmly locked in the “up” position. Jared’s been hearing Jensen’s _not yet_ in an endless loop in his head all afternoon and it’s been driving him crazy. He’s been thinking about the _why_ and he’s come to the conclusion that Sandy is a big part of it.

He wants Jensen and he _knows_ Jensen wants him. Has maybe wanted him for a long time. Jared doesn’t have Jen’s patience. Never did. Never will. Putting the issue of Sandy to rest is going to be the first hurdle to moving on. Jared wants it behind them.

Jensen still hasn’t recovered from the shock. “Sandy slept with Murray? How in the hell does _that_ happen?”

“Well, Jen, when a boy and a girl really like each other…”

Jensen slugs Jared’s arm. “No jokes, asshole. You know what I mean.”

Jared rubs his bicep. That’s going to leave a mark. “She said there was alcohol involved.”

Jensen snorts. “Yeah. There must have been.”

Jared just has to laugh because – “That’s what _I_ said.”

Jensen’s moved from shock to open speculation. “You’re taking it well.”

Jared shrugs. “Long time coming.”

“Really? ‘Cause last I heard, you were gonna marry the girl.”

Jared shifts uncomfortably. It makes sense that when Jared was fooling himself, he was fooling Jensen too. It’s not a lie if you truly believe it. “I was scared, man. The strike was going on, I thought we were going to lose the show. I wanted one thing in my life I could control.”

“So you proposed?”

“It seemed like the thing to do. The next step.”

Jensen nods. “To the life you wanted.”

Jared can practically see Jensen’s wheels turning and he does not like the direction they’re moving. “The life I _thought_ I wanted.”

“Until yesterday.”

“Yes. _No_. Goddamnit, Jen. Don’t do this. Don’t hold back just because you think you know what’s best for me.” All of a sudden the reason for Jensen’s hesitation is becoming clearer. And while it’s not insurmountable, it’s not going to be as easy as _hey, Sandy’s gone, it’s you and me now_ either.

Jensen all but confirms it with his next words. “I didn’t say no, Jay. I said not yet.”

Jared grits his teeth. “I know what I want.”

“Then you’ll still want it tomorrow, won’t you?”

“This is a test?” Jared knows he sound petulant, but he can’t help it. This is _so_ not going how he thought it would.

Jensen leans forward and grabs Jared’s shirt pulling Jared to him. He grimaces in pain and Jared has a flash of shame. Jensen spent last night in the hospital, for God’s sake. How could he have forgotten that?

“Take it easy, Jen. Please.”

Jensen doesn’t let go. “Listen to me. We do this, and we’re all in or we’re fucking up _everything_. Do you get that?”

This close, Jensen’s eyes seem unnaturally green. Jared can see constellations in Jensen’s freckles. One of these days, he’s taking the time to count each and every one of them. One day soon. He cups Jensen’s face in his hands and moves closer until they’re sharing the same air.

“You’re not saying no.”

Jensen’s eyes fall shut. When Jared barely brushes Jensen’s lips with his own, Jensen shivers. “I’m not saying no.”

Jared breathes a sigh against Jensen’s mouth. “Then that’s good enough for now.”

\+ || + || +

Jared is surprised when the hardest part of breaking up with Sandy turns out to be telling his mom. He probably shouldn’t be. His mom was always the one with visions of three-tiered cakes and giggling grandbabies. It was never Jared’s dream. He doesn’t tell her about Jensen, doesn’t even hint at the possibility of there being someone else, and she doesn’t ask. Odds are she knows anyway. Moms are scary like that. 

Jared packs up all of Sandy’s things and ships them FedEx. Jensen watches without comment. Chad keeps calling and texting. Jared keeps hitting “decline” and “delete.” It’s not all that different from any of the other times during the last couple of months, except that Jared doesn’t feel bad about it anymore.

They pick the dogs up on Saturday. Jared worries it’s still too soon, but Jensen is adamant. There’s one potentially dangerous moment when Harley bounds in Jensen’s direction poised to jump, but all it takes is Jared calling his name in an _I’m the alpha here_ tone to have him backing down and behaving himself. Sadie senses right away that something is up with Jensen. She goes straight to him, slow and careful, all but ignoring Jared. When Jensen says _hey girl_ and scratches behind her ears, she moves closer and bumps against his legs.

Jensen pets her and coos at her for a few minutes. Jared tussles with Harley while Jen and Sadie have their love fest. When Jensen looks up at Jared, he’s wearing that little boy grin again. “Hey, man. I think she likes me better than you.”

Jared pretends to be offended. “Not possible.”

Turns out, it’s entirely possible. For the rest of the weekend, Sadie rarely strays from Jensen’s side. If he’s on the couch, she’s occupying the spare cushion. If he’s sitting at the kitchen table, she’s laying across his feet. If he’s in the bathroom, she’s waiting patiently outside the door. It’s like she doesn’t want Jensen out of her sight.

Jared knows just how she feels.

\+ || + || +

The next couple of weeks are a study in contrasts. There’s a manic energy at work. Too far to go, not enough time to get there. Jensen is stronger, but he’s not up to full speed yet. The Winchesters are careening toward the end of Dean’s deal and everyone wants to do the story justice. Tension is high. 

Everything slows down in their off hours. The moment the front door closes behind them each night, Sam and Dean, the show with its stresses, the rest of the world – it all falls away. It’s just Jensen and Jared and this new connection they’re trying to build.

They’re learning each other all over again. Jared forgot how reserved Jensen can be, how shy. The guard that Jensen habitually has up with other people dropped so quickly after they met. Jared’s not used to seeing it when it’s just the two of them. It’s frustrating, but it’s still kind of cute.

There’s a cautiousness in the way that Jensen is acting around him that’s throwing Jared off. Jensen seems hopeful and wary all at the same time. And although he hasn’t said the actually words since the night they barely kissed in the car, Jensen’s every action is still telling Jared _not yet_.

Jared’s only option is to give Jensen the time he needs. It reminds him of the vacation his family took to Yellowstone when he was eight. Hours and hours in the car, bouncing up and down in the backseat. He drove his parents crazy with his incessant refrain of _are we there yet_.

He doesn’t understand what Jensen is waiting for. 

It’s like a puzzle. Jared knows all the pieces are there; he just has to figure out how to put them together in exactly the right way.

\+ || + || +

Jensen keeps getting stronger. Every day he’s able to do more on his own. It’s something of a relief, because the constant nearness is pure temptation to Jared. Most of the time, it’s easy like it always is. But sometimes, sometimes, Jensen will breathe a certain way when they make contact. He’ll get a certain look in his eye and the moment will become charged. 

So, Jared’s touching Jensen less, but it means a lot more. It’s choice, not necessity.

The day Jensen tells him that he doesn’t need help getting ready in the morning, Jared is strangely bereft. It’s a _good_ thing. It means Jensen is better, but it leaves Jared feeling a little bit lost.

Fuck. Chad was right. Jared likes being needed by Jensen. He likes being the one who cares for him, the one who Jensen counts on. And even though Jensen can tie his own shoes now, Jared still wants to be there for him. He wants Jensen to need him in other ways.

It’s a revelation, even though it shouldn’t be. Looking after Jensen in the aftermath of the shooting felt natural, like it was the only thing Jared _could_ do. He originally put it down to gratitude. Jensen was hurt because of him, so it was his responsibility to make it better. Now, he realizes that the circumstances actually had little to do with the impulse he has to protect Jensen. It’s ingrained and immutable. It’s automatic.

Like stepping in front of a bullet.

“ _I didn’t_ think _about it, Jared. I just did it. I couldn’t_ not.”

One revelation trips into another, all of them shedding a little more light on Jensen’s motivations. Jared thought for a time it was about feeling grateful. What if Jensen is thinking the same thing? What if Jensen thinks that Jared is only pursuing something between them in a misguided attempt to pay him back?

The pieces start falling into place.

\+ || + || +

It’s Saturday again and they’ve just come back from walking the dogs. Jensen has a healthy flush to his skin that leaves Jared feeling all kinds of content. They went out to burn off some nervous energy after being stuck at the house all day waiting for a courier who never came. 

They’re expecting the script for the season finale. It’s time to find out how Dean’s deal ends.

Jared’s not so much nervous at the thought of the finale as much as he is about what it means. They’re almost finished. Like it or not, they’re parting ways for the hiatus. Jensen will head to Pittsburgh to shoot _My Bloody Valentine_ while Jared’s in Austin filming _Friday the 13th._ They’ll be apart for weeks and so far they haven’t resolved anything between them.

Jared doesn’t want to push Jensen, especially now that he’s starting to understand where Jensen’s coming from. Jared _thinks_ he knows where they stand, but the uncertainty is enough to drive him insane. Even though it will all still be here when they come back, he won’t last the summer not _knowing_. 

Something’s got to give.

\+ || + || +

They heat up last night’s leftover pizza for dinner. Jared does the dishes, which basically consists of throwing away their paper plates. Jensen grabs two beers from the refrigerator and pops the caps off both before handing one to Jared. The near groan of satisfaction he gives when he takes his first pull off the bottle goes straight to Jared’s gut. Or maybe a little further south. 

Jensen is leaning against the counter, easy as you please, and all Jared can think is _I want, I want, I want_. He tries to tell his lizard brain to shut up, but that’s never worked in the past and it doesn’t work now.

Jensen is oblivious to Jared’s struggle. “So, I’ve been thinking.”

“About what?”

“Think it’s time we got rid of that monstrosity in the guest room.”

It takes Jared a second to catch on to what Jensen’s talking about. “Aw, Jen. You sure you’re ready for a big boy bed?”

He’s trying to be funny, but it backfires spectacularly. There are just too many ways to take that statement and Jared can see each and every one of them racing across Jensen’s face.

The air sparks between them.

_I want_ turns into _get closer_ , and Jared stops fighting. He moves toward Jensen with intent and Jensen doesn’t shy away. Jared’s palms fall naturally to Jensen’s hips and he pulls him in.

_Closer_.

Jensen hands come up slowly, first just resting on Jared’s upper arms, and then hanging on tight. “Jared…”

“Jensen, please.” Jared tilts his head and nuzzles the side of Jensen’s face. “Just – let me, okay? Just this.”

Jensen raises his chin and meets Jared’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

It makes Jared want to laugh that Jensen could think that he’s anything _but_ sure. “I’m sure. I have never been so fucking sure of anything in my life. Would you just shut up and let me kiss you already?”

It’s Jensen who closes the distance.

Jared has been waiting and hoping and practically _living_ for this moment, but the press of Jensen’s lips still comes as a shock. An electric shock that runs through his entire body, from his toes clear up to the hair on the back of his neck. He lets out a little moan. Jensen pulls back a bit, a question in his eyes. Jared shakes his head. “Nuh-uh. None of that.” He cups one large palm around the back of Jensen’s skull to keep him right where he is. When he leans in to lick across the fullness of Jen’s lower lip, Jensen’s mouth parts in invitation. Jared takes him up on it.

Then Jared takes his time.

It’s a slow and easy exploration. It’s not urgent at all.

Until all of a sudden it is. 

Every time Jared lifts his mouth from Jensen’s, to breathe or to place teasing nips along Jensen’s jaw line, Jensen makes a little sound. A _pleased_ little sound. It’s ten times hotter than the day in the make-up trailer. And it’s _killing_ Jared. He swoops back in, kissing Jensen hard. Without breaking their connection, he starts moving backwards, bringing Jensen with him. When Jared’s shoulders hit the solid support of the kitchen wall, his sigh of relief moves straight from his mouth into Jen’s. He’s not sure his knees are enough to hold him right now.

Jensen wriggles in his arms, and that’s just it, slow and easy go out the window. Jared drops both hands to the curve of Jensen’s ass, pulls him up – _closer_ – and in. When he feels the heat of Jensen’s hard-on against his own, he lets out a full-throated groan. In the same instant, Jensen freezes. 

That _can’t_ be good.

Jensen tries to pull away, but Jared tightens his arms. He bangs his head against the wall in frustration. “ _What_?”

Jensen won’t meet his eyes. “We shouldn’t…”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me.” Jared is a red-blooded twenty-five year old guy who hasn’t gotten laid in weeks. He really can’t be held responsible for what he says next. “What’s the problem, Jen? You aren’t a virgin. I’ve seen you in action plenty of times. I _know_ you don’t have anything against getting off.” 

“That all you think I want, Jared? That all _you_ want?” Jensen raises his eyes and Jared flinches because he can _see_ the doors slamming shut. Jensen’s tone holds the promise of sex, but it’s cold as ice. “You want to get off? ‘Cause I can get you off.”

He goes to work on Jared’s belt buckle before Jared can say yes or no. And, shit, is there a _right_ answer to that question? Jensen’s starting in on his button-fly and dropping to his knees before Jared can figure it out. Jared looks down just in time to see Jensen lick his lips.

_Ohmyfuckinggod_ , Jensen is going to blow him.

Jared’s dick is totally on board with that plan. His hips twitch involuntarily at the mere thought. He can’t help it. It’s been nearly three months of nothing more than his right hand. And Jensen is – Jensen is _Jensen_. And he’s right _there_. And – and there is just enough blood left in Jared’s brain to know this is a really bad idea.

Jared reaches down to halt the progress of Jensen’s fingers before they reach the waistline of his briefs. “No.”

Jensen sits back on his heels and raises an eyebrow. “No?”

Jared recognizes the expression on Jensen’s face even though he’s never had it directed at him before. It’s the one that Jensen wears with strangers or people he doesn’t trust. The one that says _do whatever you want, you don’t know me, you can’t touch me_. The one that says _this doesn’t matter_.

Jared hasn’t fumbled a play this badly since middle school, and it’s fucking _tragic_ , because _nothing_ has ever mattered this much. He slides down the wall until he’s sitting Indian-style in front of Jensen. “No. Not like this.”

“Okay.” Jensen nods like everything’s fine and starts to stand.

If Jared lets him go, lets him leave it like this, something will be irretrievably lost between them. That _cannot_ happen. He grabs Jensen and tugs until Jen’s basically sitting in his lap. Ignoring Jensen’s resistance, he wraps his arms around him and holds him still. “Wait. _Please_.”

Jensen remains stiff. “What for?”

Jared shakes his head and buries is face in the curve where Jensen’s neck meets his shoulder. He hopes that if he holds on long enough, Jensen might understand. It feels like it takes a long time. When Jensen finally relaxes slightly, Jared lays a kiss on the skin of Jensen’s throat and lifts his head.

“So, here’s the thing.” Jared starts, then stops, because he wants so desperately to get this right. “Yes. I do want to have sex with you. I want you to get me off. I want to get _you_ off. I want us to do everything, but that’s not _all_ I want from you. You have to know that. You have to know how I feel about you.”

Jensen tenses up again and it tells Jared everything he needs to know. And the knowledge sends him reeling.

“You _don’t_ know. Jesus, Jensen. How can you not know? I went crazy when you got hurt. I was so fucking scared I was going to lose you. I _still_ can’t stand to have you out of my sight for more than ten minutes at a time and _you don’t know how I feel about you_?”

“Jared.”

“Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation I can think of, dude. Everyone at the hospital knew. Everyone at work knows. Hell, even Sandy and Chad figured it out. Everyone else can see how I feel, why can’t you?”

“I know you care about me.”

“ _Care_ about you? Don’t be stupid, Jensen. I fucking lo- .”

The firm pressure of Jensen’s fingers stops the word from coming out of Jared’s mouth. “Don’t say it.”

This time he doesn’t give a shit if he sounds like a whiney kid. “ _Why_?”

Jensen’s eyes are sadder than Dean Winchester’s have ever been. “Because I can’t believe it.”

Jared hears the _not yet_. It sounds like a heart breaking.

\+ || + || +

Jared is tossing and turning at two o’clock in the morning. He’s been trying to fall asleep for hours and failing miserably. He can’t stop thinking about what happened earlier. He can’t stop replaying how it felt to kiss Jensen – the wanting and the _almost having_. The way Jensen had just shut down. The look in his eyes. 

He thinks that maybe he’s got the bare outline of the puzzle now, all of the edge pieces linked together to form the frame. But he can’t make out the full picture. He has too many questions and not enough answers. Every time he thinks he gets a line on what’s going on in Jensen’s head, he gets thrown another curve ball. It’s maddening.

Jared feels helpless. There’s nothing he can do until Jensen either gets over it or tells him what’s going on. In a way, it’s like when Jensen was in the hospital. All Jared can do is wait.

He hangs on to the fact that Jensen didn’t say no. Jensen hasn’t ever said no. Jensen _wants_ this, just as much as Jared does. He’s sure of it. Jensen is just scared. When Jared can figure out what Jen’s so afraid of, he’ll have the key to unlock every door he closed tonight with his carelessness.

\+ || + || +

At two-thirty, Jared gives up any pretense he’ll be able to sleep. Screw it. It’s Sunday, he’ll just nap this afternoon if he has to. The courier had finally showed up last night and the script for the finale is sitting on the coffee table in the living room. Jared hadn’t felt like dealing with Sam and Dean when he and Jensen were knee-deep in issues of their own, but he’s not making any headway on that front, and if he can’t sleep, he might as well work. 

When he gets to the living room it’s dark, but the TV is on. Jensen in sitting on one end of the couch, Sadie curled up beside him with her head in his lap. Jared didn’t even notice that she wasn’t in his room.

“She really does like you better than me.” Jensen starts at the sound of Jared’s voice. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. What are you doing up?”

Jensen shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

Jensen looks so alone, so _lonely_ , sitting there in the dark. Jared is trying to be patient, even though it goes against every instinct he has, but Jensen in any sort of pain is unacceptable these days. He’s already suffered too much and Jared is sick of watching it from the sidelines.

There’s not enough light for Jared to make out Jensen’s eyes and that isn’t going to work. Jen’s eyes always tell Jared what he’s thinking, even when Jensen can’t find the words. Jared walks to the opposite end of the couch and clicks on the table lamp that’s farthest from Jensen. The increased brightness makes Jensen squint and Sadie raise her head. Jared sits down and pats her flank before giving her a little shove. As much as he loves her, he wants her out of the way. He’s done letting anything get between him and Jensen. Sadie cocks her head at Jared as if to say _fix him_. Jared strokes her again and pushes her off the couch. _I’m trying_.

Jared wants to touch Jensen, but Jensen seems fairly untouchable at the moment. He settles for stretching out and plopping his bare feet in Jen’s lap. Jensen shoots him a look, but drops his hand down to rest on Jared’s ankle. When Jensen starts absently petting him like he’d been doing with Sadie, Jared thinks it’s safe to speak.

“You’re going to have to talk to me sometime.” When Jensen doesn’t answer, Jared pokes him in the stomach with his big toe. “You _need_ to talk to me.”

“I really don’t.”

“Fine. _I_ need you to talk to me.” Jared waits, but he knows it’s coming. It’s been well established Jensen can’t refuse him anything when he asks outright.

“Low blow, Padalecki.”

“Whatever works.” Jared means it too. Whatever works, whatever it takes. He’s not letting Jensen build any more walls. It’s so much like when Jensen first came home, when he would hurt himself before he’d let Jared help. Jensen doesn’t know what’s good for him. It falls on Jared to show him. “Spill.”

Jensen sighs low and long. “What do you want to know?”

Where to begin? Jared gives the question the consideration it deserves. “Why can’t you believe I love you?”

Jensen sucks in a breath like he’s been hit. “Wow. Start with the easy one why don’t you.”

Jensen may think that’s the toughest question, but Jared’s not so sure. What he really wants to ask is _what are you so afraid of_ , but that will only send Jensen running. “You say you know I care about you. Why can’t I love you?”

Jensen drops his head against the sofa cushion. “You won’t like this.”

“Yeah. Pretty much already know that, Jen. Tell me anyway.”

“You’re an enthusiastic guy.”

“So?”

“So, you love _everything_. You love your family and your friends and your job. You love your dogs and the Spurs and gummi worms. You love imported beer and pepperoni on your pizza. You love – _loved_ Sandy.” Jensen takes a deep breath. “I know you love me, Jay. I’m just not sure it’s the same way I….”

The joy Jared should feel at basically hearing Jensen admit he’s in love with him drowns in the wave of hurt he feels knowing Jensen has so little faith in him. Jared sits up and puts his feet on the floor, drawing back from Jensen as much as he can and still be on the couch. “You really think I’m that shallow?”

Jensen looks stricken. “That’s _not_ what I’m saying.”

Jared tries to hold his temper. “What _are_ you saying? You have to make me understand, Jensen. I know this is hard for you. I know you hate feeling vulnerable. But you’ve got to explain this to me, because as well as I know you, I can’t read your fucking mind.”

“I _don’t_ think you’re shallow.” Jensen swallows. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”

“But?”

“But – you lead with your heart, Jay. You don’t always think things through.”

There’s that fucking light bulb again. “You think I’ll change my mind.”

“I think there are a hundred different things that could blow this clear apart and I’d bet all the cash in my wallet that _none_ of them have occurred to you.”

“Like what?”

“Like your family. How are they going to react when you tell them you’re bi, that you’re in love with a _man_? Or are you just going to lie to them?”

Jared would never keep something like that from his family. “They won’t care.”

“What if they do? What if even just _one_ of them does? Is this still going to be what you want if it costs you someone important?”

“ _You’re_ important.”

“And what about your career? You want to be a movie star, Jay. How’s that going to work? We gonna stay in the closet? Think you can do that? Think we can keep it our dirty little secret? ‘Cause that’s the only way you’ll ever make it to the cover of _Premiere_. Welcome to being gay in Hollywood. Heterosexuals and leading men to the right, character actors and queers to the left.”

“You’ve managed it fine for the last ten years.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I never wanted to be famous. I only wanted to act. The rest of it’s just a fluke. My sexuality hasn’t come up because there’s never been anyone that counted before. I’m not stupid enough to throw my career away over a random hook-up.” Jensen gets a speculative glint in his eye. “But maybe none of this matters anyway. Maybe all we’re talking about here is two guys scratching an itch.”

Jared’s hold on his temper slips. “If that were true then we wouldn’t both be sitting here still wondering how your mouth would feel on my dick.”

Jensen recoils and Jared is afraid that he’s blown it again. He rushes to clarify his words before Jensen can bolt. “If all I wanted was sex, I wouldn’t have stopped you. I want more than that from you, Jen. I want it all.”

Jared can see Jensen struggle with his doubts in the way he bites his lip before he speaks again.

“I know you’ve messed around with guys, Jay. But all of your relationships have been with women. What happens if we start this thing and it’s not what you thought it would be? What then? We still going to be friends? Will you even be able to _work_ with me?”

“Jensen…”

“Seriously, man. Think about it. Are you still in touch with any of the guys you hooked up with, or did you just get off and get gone?”

“This is different, Jen. You know it is. I would never treat you that way. I would never hurt you.”

Jensen smiles sadly. “You would never mean to. I know that much.”

Jared is honestly at a loss for words. Jensen is right. He never considered any of this. He remembers what Jensen said that night in the car. _We do this, and we’re all in or we’re fucking up everything._

“Look, Jared. I know I’m not being fair, but you have to be positive this is what you really want. Because I can’t just fuck around with you and I’m not sure you’re ready for anything else.”

Jared’s finally getting the full picture and it’s a whole new version of Jensen. He wonders how he could have been so blind. “How long have you been in love with me, Jen?”

Jensen chuckles. “Arrogant much?”

“Jensen.”

“A while. Long enough to learn to live with it.”

“What does that mean?”

“I was happy just being your friend. If we screw this up, I won’t even have that anymore. I can be your friend, or I can be more, but I _can’t_ lose you. Maybe that makes me an asshole, it definitely makes me a coward, but…” Jensen’s voice breaks.

Jared can’t take any more. Jensen is a mess. And he’s babbling. And he’s beautiful. He’s a beautiful, babbling mess and he is _too far away_ from Jared. “Hey, no. C’mere.” He takes hold of Jensen and pulls him closer. Jared tugs and wiggles until they’re both stretched out on the couch, Jensen snug against Jared’s chest.

Jensen hides his face. “Jared.”

“Shhh. It’s my turn now, okay? You’re right. I haven’t thought about any of that stuff. I’ve been too busy thinking about you.” Jared kisses the top of Jensen’s head. “But I know how I feel, Jen.” Jensen tenses and Jared smiles. “Don’t worry. I won’t say it. _Yet_.” 

Jensen muffles a small laugh in Jared’s t-shirt.

“I’ll give you the time you need, the time you think _I_ need. We can take on your little checklist item by item, but I’m not going to change my mind.” When Jensen lifts his head, his gorgeous eyes stripped of all barriers, it takes Jared’s breath away. “We’re going to be fine, Jen. I swear to God, we are.”

Jensen’s smile is the final piece of the puzzle clicking into place. It looks like hope.

It looks like love.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared wakes up alone on the couch, which is definitely not how he fell asleep. He’s covered with a blanket instead of Jensen and there’s a crick in his neck from being smashed up against the armrest for however long it was he’d managed to sleep. Jensen is nowhere to be seen. Jared is lured to the kitchen by the enticing aroma of freshly brewed coffee. As he stumbles to the cabinet to get a mug, he notices the dogs are missing as well. There’s a note propped up against the sugar bowl. 

_Walking the kids. Go back to bed. – JRA_

Mystery solved. Jared bypasses the coffee in favor of heading back to the couch after a quick detour to the bathroom.

When he wakes again, he’s not sure how much time has passed, but Sadie is a weight across his feet and Harley is snoring on the floor. Jensen is sitting in the armchair with the finale script in his lap and a highlighter cap between his teeth.

“How long have you been up?”

Jensen’s eyes are warm and free of shadows. “Couple of hours. Didn’t want to wake you.”

Jared sits up and holds out his hand. “Wouldn’t have cared. Get back over here.”

Jensen is up and moving so quickly it’s as if he was just waiting to be asked. He sets the script and his coffee on the table and settles himself into Jared’s arms like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Sadie gets displaced again, but she’s the only one who seems to care.

Their first kiss of the day has none of the urgency of last night. Jared’s lizard brain isn’t chanting _I want, I want, I want_. It’s his heart that’s talking now. So loud he’s amazed that Jensen can’t hear it.

_I want this. Exactly this. Every morning. For the rest of my life._

Jared keeps his hand against Jensen’s face when the kiss breaks. “Good morning.”

Jensen’s grin is lightning fast and spells the best kind of trouble. “You brushed your teeth.”

Busted. “Well, _yeah_. Of course, I did.” Jared’s feeling a strange combination of embarrassed and smug. He decides he kind of likes it. “I wanted to be ready.”

Jensen must not mind it either because he leans in and brushes Jared’s mouth with a teasing kiss before he draws away just enough that they’re on separate cushions. He tilts his head at the waiting script. “We should get to work.”

“You’re no fun at all.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Fine.” Jared reaches out for the script.

Jensen puts the coffee in his hand instead. “You’ll need this first.”

“That bad?”

Jensen shrugs. “Dean’s going to hell.”

_Shit_.

\+ || + || +

Three cups of coffee and two scrambled egg Hot Pockets later, Jared is finished with the script and Dean Winchester is still dying bloody. 

Fucking Kripke.

How could he write this? How twisted does he have to be to put them through this? It’s bad enough when it’s just words on the page. Jared has no idea how he’s going to be able act this shit out – Sam helpless, watching Dean get torn to shreds. He’s not sure he _can_. He’s not sure he even wants to try.

“What the hell is he thinking?”

“He’s not. This is the guy whose favorite scene is the hand in the garbage disposal in _Home_. He’s not Mr. Nuance. You know this.” 

“But….”

“It’s the best thing for the story, Jay. It’s the best thing for the show.” Jensen is gentle, but firm. “It’s our job.”

“This isn’t like the gun. This is you bleeding out on the floor, dying in my arms.”

“ _Not_ me. Dean.”

“Like that matters? Did it matter to you during _All Hell Breaks Loose_? I saw you, Jen. You were a fucking wreck. And we weren’t even…” Jared knows he’s hit a little too close to something raw when Jensen flinches. “Shit. I’m sorry. I just…”

Jensen brushes the apology off. “It’s all right. This is different, Jared.”

“Bet your ass it’s different. You almost _died_.”

“But I didn’t. I’m fine.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“I’m not saying it won’t be hard. I’m just saying I know that you can do it.”

Jensen doesn’t understand. He has no idea what doing this is going to cost Jared. The very fact that he doesn’t tells Jared that they have further to go than he thought. And that just pisses him off. “Well, I’d feel better if I thought your confidence had anything to do with my acting ability.”

“What does that mean?”

“You think this is different from last year because you think there’s no way I could care about you the same way you care about me. You’re wrong, Jensen.”

“Jared.”

Jared doesn’t even try to keep the hurt from his voice, but he does try to dial down his irritation. Jensen’s insecurity isn’t exactly a newsflash. Jared doesn’t enjoy having the point hammered home, but it wouldn’t be fair to take it out on Jen. “No. It’s fine. Let’s just add it to the list of things I hadn’t thought of.” 

Jensen hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

\+ || + || +

They try to put it away for the rest of the day. Jared spends a couple of hours in the garage working out. He wouldn’t normally go that long, but an extra half hour with the heavy bag is pretty much mandatory to his peace of mind today. Jensen uses the time to catch up with his family and Kane. 

After his shower, Jared comes out into the living room to find Jensen on the couch with a pizza box and two cans of Coke sitting on the table. He gestures to the big screen with the remote. “I thought we could…”

The main titles for Dark Angel are cued up and ready to go. Jensen’s expression is a little bit bashful and a whole lot hopeful. He’s _trying_ , and Jared loves him for it. It’s an olive branch Jared is happy to accept. “That would be good.”

Jared takes the spot next to Jensen and goes for the pizza. Jensen presses play. They spend the afternoon with Alec, Max and Logan.

Tomorrow will come soon enough.

\+ || + || +

Monday’s table reading is unusually somber. Jared looks around and notices that at least half of the people here were on set the day Jensen was shot. Maybe he’s not the only one who is going to have trouble with this episode. It makes him feel better somehow. 

Eric, up from L.A. for the big finish, is his typical hyperactive self. Rapid speech, sweeping hand gestures, he’s like a kid a Christmas with this stuff. Jared wants to strangle him. When Eric starts to rhapsodize about the final scene – the effects, the blood, the emotional _impact_ – Jared’s skin crawls. Jensen’s hand falls to his knee out of the others’ line of sight. Jensen squeezes briefly and draws away. It’s an _I’m here_ , and it’s enough that Jared’s tension loosens a bit.

Kim opens the discussion for questions and concerns. Jared’s got more than a few. Primarily, how can keep his shit together through all of this? But that’s for him and Jen, and maybe an emergency call to his acting coach. Kim’s asking about logistics so that’s what Jared focuses on. “There’s a lot of physical stuff for Dean in this ep. The opening sequence with the running, the knockdown drag out with Ruby, the stuff with the girl’s father.”

Jensen starts to protest beside him, but Jared just holds up a hand without looking at him. Jared’s looking at Kim. He’s well aware that he’s not in charge here, but he has to know that everyone is going to be responsible with this. He will not risk Jensen again. The last thing any of them need is another trip to the ER.

Kim is Jared’s all time favorite director. He’s easy going and scary smart. He gets Sam and Dean. He gets Jared and Jensen. He knows how to take the words from the page and put them on film in a way that is always amazing. He makes an incredibly complicated job look like a walk in the park. Jared trusts him.

Kim nods. “We’ll shoot the opening today. That’s all. We’ll start on principal shooting tomorrow so Jensen has time to rest up. Lou and Dan are working on the choreography for the fight. We want to try it with Jensen first, because there are a lot of close shots, but if there’s a problem we’ll work something out.”

Jensen is getting restless again. “I can…”

This time, it’s Kim who settles him down. “Not a debate, kiddo.” Jensen grumbles and Jared hides a smile.

Jared taps the script in front of him. “The scene with the dad. That’s not going to work. The notes have Dean picking him up in a fireman’s carry. No way Jensen can do that.”

There are nods all around and even Jensen doesn’t argue. Eric scribbles on his pad. “I’ll change it to Sam. You’ll have it by the end of the day.”

Jared still doesn’t know how he’s going to get through this, but at least his immediate concerns about Jensen’s well being are satisfied.

At this point, he’ll take what he can get.

\+ || + || +

The longest week of Jared’s life was the week Jensen spent in a coma, but filming 3.16 comes in a close second. The prospect of the final scene is a sharpened sword hanging over his head. Jared has to _work_ to stay in Sam’s headspace, to constantly remind himself it’s Sam losing Dean, not Jared losing Jensen. He’s walking an emotional tightrope, and one stiff breeze is going to blow him off. 

He wobbles for the first time when they shoot the scene where Bobby’s dousing for Lilith’s location. Dean’s being stubborn, ironically refusing to do something rash.

“Just ‘cause I gotta die doesn’t mean you have to.” 

There is a click in Jared’s brain and Sam disappears, leaving Jared defenseless against the memory of how it felt when he thought Jensen really _might_ die. That he’d have to go through the rest of his life without Jensen in it. He never wants to feel that way again. 

The next line is Jared’s, but he’s in no shape to give it. Jensen breaks character immediately and steps closer to Jared. “You okay?”

Jared is shaking his head even as he’s saying, “Yeah. I’m fine. I just need…” He’s not sure exactly _what_ he needs, what could possibly make this better. What he really needs is for none of this to have ever happened, and there’s nothing to be done about that so –. 

Kim’s been watching from behind the camera. “Take five, boys.”

Jensen places a hand at Jared’s back and leads him off the set into a private corner. When they’re out of sight of the crew, he just pulls Jared in and hugs him hard. They don’t speak.

Jared relaxes into Jensen’s hold. He can find his balance here.

Maybe he’ll make it through this after all.

\+ || + || +

It’s not _all_ bad. They’ve got Katie and Jim on set, both of whom are always good for a laugh. Jared tries to focus on the positive and push his way through the hard stuff. In a few days, it will all be behind them. 

The script is amazing, no matter how painful. It really is the ending the arc deserves. It’s going to look spectacular on screen and the fans are going to eat it up. Too bad Jared is never going to see it.

He won’t ever be able to bring himself to live any of this again.

On Wednesday morning, they film the big fight scene. Jared watched Katie and Jensen rehearse yesterday and one move in particular has him worried. He pulls Katie aside while the crew is setting up the shot.

“What’s up, Jared?”

“I feel like an asshole saying this, because I’m sure I don’t need to. But I can’t help it. You have to be careful, okay? When he’s down on the ground, when you go to kick him in the chest, you absolutely can _not_ make contact.”

The expression on Katie’s face says _duh_. “I know.”

Jared flushes because he _knows_ she knows, he just can’t – “He was in surgery for over six hours, Katie. His heart stopped twice.”

Her face softens. “I’ll be careful. I promise.”

Jared feels like an idiot as well as an asshole. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I think it’s very sweet.”

Jared thinks its more paranoid than sweet, but whatever.

Katie smiles and stretches to kiss him on the cheek. “Jensen’s lucky to have you.”

“I’m lucky to have him.”

\+ || + || +

Friday morning, Jared wakes to the sound of a hard rain slamming against the window. _Perfect_. Bad dreams and bad memories kept him up most of the night. He’d finally given in and gone to Jensen’s room just to watch him sleep and listen to him breathe. He doesn’t remember crawling into the bed, but here he is, Jensen’s hand on his chest. His smile across the pillow. 

Jared rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Hey.”

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

Jared shrugs self-consciously. “Don’t know. Couldn’t sleep. I came in to check on you and…” He trails off, not sure how to explain.

“It’s fine, Jay. I don’t mind.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope. Matter of fact, I kind of like it.”

“Cool.” They exchange a goofy grin and lie there listening to the rain for a while. Jared takes Jensen’s hand. “Do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Stay close today.”

Jensen scoots over and lays his head against Jared’s shoulder. “I can do that.”

Jared closes his eyes. By the end of the day, they’ll have the episode wrapped and the hard part will be over.

Just one more day.

\+ || + || +

Jared doesn’t have a problem with Sam and Dean’s dramatic good-bye scene, which kind of surprises him. Jensen knocks it out of the park like he always does, but Jared doesn’t feel the devastation he expected to. Maybe it’s because it’s so clearly about the Winchesters – Dean’s deal, Sam’s destiny, the whole dysfunctional dynamic. There’s nothing in the scene that resonates personally. 

He’s glad for the reprieve, but he knows the worst is yet to come.

The set is quiet as a church as they prep for the final scene. Jared watches the FX crew outfit Jensen with the rig that’s going simulate the hellhound attack. He tries to keep his breathing and heartbeat regular. He fails. Adrenaline is already starting to move through his system, making him light-headed and slightly nauseous.

Dean is about to die. _Dean_ not Jensen. Jared just has to keep telling himself that. Jensen didn’t die. Jensen is _fine_. This is Dean. _Not_ Jensen.

This is going to be a fucking _disaster_.

Jensen is done with the FX guys and now he’s over with Kim. He’s talking and Kim’s nodding, and every once in a while one of them looks Jared’s way. It’s no stretch to figure out what they’re talking about.

Kim steps to the center of the room. “Okay, guys. Huddle up.” When he has all three actors drawn in close, he takes the time to make eye contact with each of them. “Here’s the deal. I told the crew anyone who fucks this shot up is banned from the wrap party. So, if you guys can say your lines and not trip over the furniture, there’s a chance we’ll only have to go one time. Think you can do that?”

The possibility of a single take is like the promise of a state of grace. God bless Kim Manners. Jared looks to Jensen who nods without hesitation. Jen will deliver it in one shot, if only because he knows Jared needs him to. Jared will do it because he doesn’t have any other choice. He won’t be able to do it twice, not without totally cracking up.

It’s going to fall on Katie, who is standing there, eyes wide as she realizes what’s being asked of her. Katie’s not always the best at getting her lines right the first go round. Usually, it’s no big deal. Usually, it’s pretty funny. But today is as far from usual as they could get, and Jared desperately needs her to bring her A-game.

He touches her arm. “I really think I can only do this once.” _Please, God, let me only have to do this once._

Katie looks from Jared to Jensen and nods. “I can do it.”

Kim smiles and pats her shoulder. “Good girl. Take a couple of extra minutes and let me know when you’re ready.”

Katie grabs her script and goes to find a quiet corner. After Kim walks away, Jensen moves in as close to Jared as he can without letting everyone know exactly _how_ close they are.

“You gonna be okay?”

Jared laughs helplessly. _Is_ he okay? No. Will he _be_ okay? That remains to be seen.

“Let me get back to you on that.”

\+ || + || +

When Katie returns there’s a purpose in her stride. Jared feels a flare of hope. Maybe they will only have to do this once. Jensen runs his hand down Jared’s arm, surreptitiously giving Jared’s fingers a squeeze before he steps over to the table. Jared moves into position against the wall. 

Kim dons his headset and steps behind Camera One. “Places, everyone.”

Jared closes his eyes and breathes deeply, telling himself _it’s Dean_ on the inhale, _not Jensen_ on the exhale. _Dean. Not Jensen. Dean. Not Jensen._

Normally, acting is all about being in the moment for Jared. Really putting himself in Sam’s shoes, feeling everything Sam would be feeling. He can’t do that today. The best he can do is mentally step as far away from what’s happening as possible and hope his training and experience kick in and carry him through.

Kim calls, “Action.” Jared opens his eyes.

Thankfully, most of the lines are Katie’s. And she nails every single one. When Lilith opens the door for the invisible hellhound, the true horror begins. Jensen – not Jensen, _Dean_ – slides from the table and hits the hardwood floor with a thud, writhing and groaning as he acts out being ripped apart. When he rolls onto his back, the rig performs as promised spouting red everywhere. Jared doesn’t have to fake his scream.

It’s a nightmare made real.

Jensen stops moving. Jared has no real awareness of saying the rest of his lines, he doesn’t hear Katie say hers, but they must be still doing the scene, because Kim hasn’t broken in to tell them to go again. Katie tilts her head back to mime a scream and holds the position for the CGI team to add the demon smoke in later. When she falls, Jared lets go of the knife and turns.

Jared can tell himself it’s Dean all he wants, but it’s _Jensen_ lying on the floor in a pool of blood. It’s Jensen with his chest torn apart, vacant eyes wide open. It’s Jensen who isn’t breathing. Just like that, Jared’s back at the park. He drops to his knees and cradles Jen’s head in his palm, lifting him from the floor. Jared has to fight every instinct he has to do what he did that day – stop the bleeding, beg Jensen not to leave. The first “no” is whispered without thought. Jensen is just playing dead. Jensen is _fine_. 

The second “no” falls like his tears. Sam’s tears, Jared’s tears, is there really a difference now? Jensen is still as death in his hands. _No_ , it’s not Jensen, it’s – . 

“Dean.”

It finally becomes too overwhelming. Jared feels a total disconnect as he slips from his tightrope. He can’t hold on to his characterization of Sam and he can’t afford to be Jared, so he just lets himself fall.

\+ || + || +

When Jared comes back to himself, he’s on his feet with no memory of how he got there. Jensen is standing in front of him, concern etched all over his face. 

Jensen grabs him by the arm. “Are you okay? Say something, Jared. _Are you okay_?”

Jared shakes his head to clear it. “Did we get it?” He didn’t hear the magic words, _cut_ and _print_. He really needs to know that they got it.

“Hell, yes, we got it. You were fucking amazing. But you scared me, man. Where did you go?”

Jared’s laugh is hollow. “Nowhere good. We really got it?”

Jensen lets his exhilaration show. “We really did.”

“Thank God.”

Kim comes up and slaps them both on the back. “Nice work, boys.” He gives Katie a hug. “You too, sweetheart.”

Katie moves from Kim to Jared, but stops short of hugging Jensen. “No offense, dude. But you’re a mess.”

She laughs and steps away, moving off with Kim to go celebrate with the rest of the crew. When her words sink in Jared takes another look at Jensen and realizes that they were an understatement. Jensen looks – exactly like he would look if he’d gone a round with a hellhound. And lost. There are splatters of blood across his face and it’s starting to freak Jared out all over again. Even though Jensen is standing right in front of him, Jared still has to _know_. He reaches out and lays his palm flat against Jensen’s chest, just to feel his heartbeat. 

Jensen covers Jared’s hand with his own. “I’m all right, Jay. I’m right here.”

Jared’s nodding, but he still can’t really believe it. He pulls his hand away, frowning at the sticky feel of the fake blood. That’s when he makes the mistake of looking down.

His hand. Covered in Jensen’s blood.

It’s not real. He knows it’s not. But that doesn’t stop his stomach from rolling. He looks wildly from his hand to Jensen’s face. Jensen’s looking worried again. “I can’t – I have to…” Jared turns and bolts toward the bathroom.

He can hear Jensen calling his name, but he can’t stop now.

\+ || + || +

Jared barely makes it in time. The bathroom is blessedly empty when he slams inside. Not bothering to close the stall door, he hits the ground and hugs cold porcelain as every bit of horror and fear purges itself from his body. Every time he thinks he has it under control, another memory hits – Jensen on the ground, Jensen gasping for breath, Jensen’s blood on his hands – and Jared is gagging again. 

It goes on for a while.

Jared hears the pneumatic whoosh of the main door opening, thinks maybe it’s Jensen, expects to feel the press of Jensen’s hand against his back. It doesn’t come. And Jared’s not disappointed. He’s _not_. He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need Jensen holding his hair back while he throws up. Even if he does sort of want it.

After he’s lost his lunch and possibly everything he’s eaten for the last week, it slows down to the occasional dry heave. Jared flushes the toilet and pillows his face on his folded arms, breathing deeply until he’s sure he can get up without being sick again.

When Jared comes out of the stall, Kim is standing by the sink. And, okay, Jared _is_ disappointed now. He doesn’t expect Jensen to want to be up close and personal while he’s puking his brains out, but he thought Jen would at least come after him. Jared moves to the sink and rinses his mouth. It’s not until he’s splashing cool water on his face that he realizes he’s crying.

Jensen didn’t come after him.

Kim is wearing the same expression he had in the hospital waiting room. “I told Kripke it was a monumentally bad idea.” He shrugs. “I just couldn’t get him to believe it.”

Jared nods. “That’s Eric. Goes for the shock factor, doesn’t always get the emotions. That’s why we have Bob, right?”

Kim smiles. “And Sera.”

“And you. Thanks for working it out so we only had to shoot it once. I think you probably saved my ass there.”

“I’m just sorry you had to even go through it once. You were incredible though, Jared. Really incredible.”

Jared scrubs at his face. He’s still leaking tears and wishes it would goddamn stop already. “The one and only time I ever go method.”

Kim ignores the tears and doesn’t ask if Jared’s okay. They both know he isn’t. “C’mon. I’ll walk you to your trailer.”

Jared doesn’t want to talk, but he could use the company. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. But the single shot thing? I can’t take credit. That was all Jensen.”

Jared looks at Kim in surprise. Kim looks back at Jared like he’s missing the obvious. “He was worried about you, Jared.”

It’s hard to reconcile Kim’s words with Jensen’s absence. If Jensen is so concerned, then why isn’t he here?

Why did he leave Jared alone?

\+ || + || +

When they get to his trailer, Jared goes straight into the tiny bathroom and brushes his teeth. Kim has a bottle of water waiting for him when he’s done. Jared takes it gratefully and moves to the sleeping area. He sits at the end of the bed and drains the bottle in three long draws before tossing it in the garbage can in the corner. 

Kim leans against the doorframe. “You should get some rest.”

Jared eyes the bed wistfully. It feels like years since he got any decent sleep, but he doesn’t think that will be changing this afternoon. Too many emotions swirling around. Filming Dean’s death has cracked Jared like an egg. Everything he’s been stuffing down since the shooting is out in the open now. He feels raw and exposed.

He wants Jensen.

The trailer door bangs open, and like an answer to a prayer, Jensen is there. He looks almost frantic. His hair is wet, his shoes are untied and he moves straight to Jared as if pulled by a magnet.

Kim can’t do anything other than get out of the way.

Jensen and Jared are too busy looking at each other to notice Kim leaving. Jensen stops in front of Jared, so close that their knees bump. Jared opens his legs and Jensen steps into the offered space. When Jensen takes Jared’s face in his hands, Jared grabs onto his hips, pulling him even closer.

Jensen’s voice is gruff. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Jared plays with the hem of Jensen’s t-shirt, bunching up the fabric and holding on tight. “You changed.”

It’s Jensen’s shirt, not Dean’s. Jensen’s worn Levis, Jensen’s beat up Nikes. Jensen smells of soap and shaving cream. There’s not a trace of Dean anywhere – no amulet, not a speck of blood. Jensen is washed clean. Alive and warm and right here in Jared’s arms.

Jared whispers his relief. “Thank you.”

Jensen’s hand is shaking as he pushes the hair off Jared’s forehead. “ _Jared_.”

“I brushed my teeth.” Jared’s smile is small and wobbly. 

_Kiss me_.

“Wanted to be ready?”

“Always.”

Jared opens his mouth at the first feel of Jensen’s lips against his and Jensen slides his tongue inside. It’s not a tease like their first kiss or charged like their second. It’s not the slow and easy good morning kiss. It’s aggressive and desperate, an _I was so scared_ and a _you’re mine_ and _I’m yours_ all underscored by Jensen’s iron grip on Jared’s jaw.

Jared relaxes into it and revels in the feeling of Jensen plundering his mouth, taking control, and staking his claim. It’s a balm for every wound. It’s everything he ever wanted, and it’s finally his to have. When they pull apart, Jensen’s eyes are wet and Jared is leaking again. Jensen brushes a tear from Jared’s cheekbone with the pad of his thumb.

“I’m so sorry, Jay.”

Jared has no clue what Jensen has to be sorry for. None of this has ever been his fault. “Why?”

“All this time, you’ve been taking such good care of me. Who’s been taking care of you?”

“ _You_ have.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I should have…”

“Stop it. All I ever needed to be okay was to know that you were okay. I just needed you to get better. You did that, Jen. But you did so much more. You let me take care of you. You let me cling. And every time I think I can’t keep it together anymore, you’re here and you give me everything I need. You _do_. The first day back with gun, the scene today, right _now_. I’m good, Jen. I am. Long as I have you, I’m golden.”

“I should have believed you. I wanted to, Jay. I just…”

Jared’s heart actually leaps in his chest because Jensen isn’t talking about how hard the final scene was. Jensen is talking about not being ready to believe the Jared loves him. And he’s talking in the past tense. Jared wants to laugh, but that’s kind of hard to do when you’re crying. He wraps both arms around Jensen’s hips, and presses his face against Jen’s stomach.

He’ll laugh later. They both will.

\+ || + || +

Jared can feel Jensen’s every breath, the rise and fall beneath his cheek, the warm gusts across the top of his head. Jensen’s hands roam from Jared’s head to his shoulders, alternately stroking through his hair and kneading tense muscles. Jared leans into each caress like a cat. Every fear he’s held on to since Jensen was hurt, every frustration he’s battled while Jensen came to terms – they’re all slipping away. Because Jensen is fine, and they’re together, and Jensen believes him now. 

Jared can feel it in every touch.

“It was my birthday. Last year.” Jensen’s voice breaks the long silence and his words don’t appear to relate to anything. 

Jared pulls back so see can see Jen’s face. “Huh?”

“You asked me how long. It’s been over a year.” Jensen is blushing, long lashes sweeping down to hide his expression. “It’s probably longer than that. But that was the night I figured it out. We were at that dive bar. All of us drunk off our asses. I was talking to Rosenbaum and I heard you laugh, and – and that was just it. I knew.”

Oh. _Oh._ “Jensen.”

Jensen has gone still in Jared’s arms, as if even now he’s afraid of rejection. Jared is sorry that he’s stopped with the stroking and the kneading, but he’ll trade it for the talking. He gives Jensen’s hips an encouraging squeeze.

“I knew how I felt. I knew what I wanted. I just didn’t think I could ever have it, you know?” Jensen eyes beg for understanding. “I didn’t think that you could ever feel the same.”

“Now you know better.”

“Yeah.” Jensen’s hands move to rest on Jared’s shoulders at the base of his neck. He smiles the most honest smile that Jared’s ever seen. “Now I do.”

Jared is one giant dimple as he slides back on the bed and pulls Jensen until they’re face to face, kneeling on the bed. It’s his turn to stake his claim. He kisses Jensen hard and he doesn’t hold anything back. He pours every hope, every dream, every ounce of joy he’s feeling into it. When they break away to breathe, he slides his mouth along the cut of Jensen’s jaw, right up to the shell of Jensen’s ear.

“I. _Love._ You.”

Jensen’s entire body shudders. The sound that he makes is almost a whimper. “Jay.”

“You can say it, Jen.” When Jensen remains silent, Jared nips his earlobe. “Say it.”

Jensen sighs. “I love you, too.”

It’s the key to every door. It’s the future spread out before them, wide and open and bright. Jared laughs out loud and falls back on the bed bringing Jensen with him.

And falling feels like flying.

\+ || + || +

The bed is too small for the both of them, but Jared doesn’t care. They lie pressed together from head to toe and kiss until their lips go numb. They’ve been at it for over an hour and Jared thinks he could give up everything to do this for the rest of his life and never regret a thing. He’s hard. He has been since the first slide of Jensen’s tongue against his own, but he’s not in a rush to do anything about it. He can feel Jensen, hot and solid against his thigh, but Jen doesn’t seem to be in a hurry either. 

They whisper about nothing and trade languid kisses. Eventually, Jensen’s fingers flutter over the top snap of Jared’s jeans. Jared takes Jensen’s hand, brings it to his mouth and kisses the tip of each finger. He murmurs against the last one. “Not here.”

Jared can hear the occasional sound of the crew moving around outside the trailer. Whatever happens next, he doesn’t want it to happen here. He wants his own bed with hours and hours of Jensen spread out across it. When Jensen nods, Jared presses another kiss and smile into his palm. 

Jensen pulls away slowly and stands. He reaches down to Jared. “Let’s go home.”

Jensen. _Home_. Pretty much two words for the same thing in Jared’s book. He grabs Jensen’s outstretched hand; ready to go wherever Jen takes him.

\+ || + || +

Back at the house, Jensen looks after the dogs while Jared takes a shower. He’s anxious to shed himself of Sam and the remains of the day’s trauma. He stays under the spray for a long time, letting the hot water wash the tension from his back and the steam clear his head. He’s so relaxed that he reaches for his half-hard cock out of habit. For the last few months, this shower has been where he and his right hand have had all their little rendezvous. He almost forgot that both have better prospects now. 

He’s still smiling when he enters the kitchen to find Jensen hanging up the phone and stuffing a take-out menu back into the drawer by the refrigerator. “Aw, honey. You cooked? That’s so sweet.”

“Chinese. It’ll be here in twenty minutes. _Asshole_.”

“Careful. You’re gonna make me swoon with talk like that.”

“You’re so full of shit.” Jensen gets a beer and sits down at the table, leaving Jared to fetch his own.

Jared pouts. “Harsh. That’s no way to woo me, man.” He grabs a bottle and takes the opposite chair.

Jensen smirks. “Somehow, I don’t think you’ll be all that difficult to woo.”

Jared pulse jumps. He does like a confident Jensen. “You might just be right about that.”

Jensen’s throat ripples as he swallows. The look he sends Jared is heated. “So fucking easy, Jay.”

“I aim to be, Jen. We deserve some easy, don’t you think?”

Jensen’s expression turns serious. “Jared…”

“You ask me if I’m sure, and I’m kicking your ass. I am _sure_ , Jensen. I couldn’t be any more sure, okay?” Jared meets Jensen’s gaze and tries to telegraph every bit of certainty he’s feeling.

Jensen nods and Jared can see him shake off his doubts. After a moment, he’s smirking again. “Well, if you’re _sure_.”

Jared leans forward and clinks the necks of their beer bottles together. Anticipation is building without any accompanying anxiety. Jared feels like he’s right on the brink of the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

It’s about fucking time.

\+ || + || +

They eat dinner at the table, but take their fortune cookies to the living room. Jensen lets Jared read them aloud, but refuses let him add the words _in bed_ , claiming he hasn’t had enough beer yet. When Jared’s lower lip pokes out in the start of another pout, Jensen nails him in the forehead with half of a cookie. 

Jared rubs the spot, playing it up for all it’s worth. “I think you broke the skin!”

“Do you need an ambulance?”

“Seriously, dude. It hurts.” Jared moves closer to Jensen on the couch. “Am I bleeding?”

Jensen shifts forward to look, suddenly concerned he may have really harmed Jared, and Jared thinks _sucker_ as he meets Jensen halfway. He grabs Jensen’s face. “I think you should kiss it and make it better.”

Jensen grimaces at being had. “I think you’re insane.”

“Yes. But in a really good way. C’mon, Jen. Just one little kiss to make it better?”

Jensen is grumbling _the things I do for you_ under his breath as he places a kiss on the barely visible mark. “There. Happy now?”

Jared smiles and slides down until his head is pillowed in Jensen’s lap. “I’m gettin’ there, Jen. I am definitely getting there.” It doesn’t take a minute before Jensen’s fingers are carding through Jared’s hair.

They spend the next two hours watching the Rangers lose to the Mariners. Jensen never stops touching Jared. Jared never stops smiling. When the game is over, Jared decides to call it a night. It’s only ten, but it’s been a _long_ fucking day and he’s ready for it to be over. They clear away the fortune cookie debris and Jared turns off the TV while Jensen turns off the light. There’s a moment where Jensen starts toward Jared’s room, then hesitates and turns for the guest room instead.

Jared grabs him by the elbow. “You were right the first time. My room.” Jensen’s eyes say _I want_ , but they’re saying _I’m scared_ too. Jared pulls him in with a hand at his hip and kisses him softly. “Please.”

Jensen gives a shuddery sigh and leans into Jared’s kiss. When they pull apart, the fear is gone from his eyes. Jared steps back, but keeps a hand on Jensen’s arm. “I’m going to let the dogs run around the backyard for a little while. I’ll meet you there, okay?” When Jensen nods, Jared bends to kiss him again.

It’s a date.

\+ || + || +

Jared’s bedroom is empty when he gets there, but Jensen’s glasses are on the nightstand and there’s water running in the bathroom. The door connecting the two rooms is open and if that’s not an invitation, Jared doesn’t know what is. He ditches his flip-flops and sheds his t-shirt, tossing it vaguely in the direction of the hamper. He hits the doorway just in time to watch Jensen rinse and spit. 

Jared takes a moment to admire the bend of Jensen’s spine over the sink. “That’s very sexy.”

Jensen straightens and his eyes fly to meet Jared’s in the mirror. “Stalker.”

“You know it, baby.”

Jensen makes a face. “Don’t call me baby.”

That? That’s nothing but a dare. And Jared’s never resisted a dare in his life. He’s behind Jensen in two long strides. He puts both hands on the counter, bracketing Jensen’s body with his own, effectively trapping him. “What are you gonna do about it? _Baby_.”

“You must not care if you get laid tonight.”

Jared nuzzles the side of Jensen’s throat. Jensen tilts his head to give Jared more room to work. Jensen’s eyes fall shut and Jared doesn’t have any doubts about whether or not he’s getting laid. His dick gives a happy little twitch. “I’m thinking it’s not going to be a problem.

Jensen doesn’t deny it. “You are a bastard.”

“Hmmm. And you’re all minty fresh. That’s cheating, Jen.”

“Two words. Garlic. Chicken.”

“You didn’t seem to care out there in the living room.” Jared puts his mouth to Jensen’s neck and applies some suction. He’s going to enjoy seeing his mark come up on Jensen’s skin.

Jensen throws his head back onto Jared’s shoulder as a long breath escapes him. “Not really caring right _now_ either.”

“’Cause I could stop to brush my teeth. If you really want me to.” Jared lifts one hand from the edge of the sink and places it flat on Jensen’s stomach. He can feel Jensen’s breathing speed up. A little bit of pressure and Jensen is flush against him, his ass a perfect cushion for Jared’s hard-on. They both groan at the contact. Jared’s next words are bitten out. “Should I stop?”

“No.”

Jared slides his hand to the waistband of Jensen’s sweats, fingertips skirting the edge before barely dipping beneath the elastic. He watches Jensen in the mirror, sees the flush rise in his face, sees his pupils dilate. He keeps watching because he needs to see the truth when he asks for it. “Can I?”

“Yes. _Please_.”

Jensen turns his head awkwardly, seeking Jared’s mouth. They’re kissing when Jared slips his hand inside and wraps it around Jensen’s cock. Jensen’s body jolts and Jared grips his hip with his free hand to steady him. “Easy.”

Jensen’s eyes in the mirror are damn near otherworldly. “Fuck easy. I want _hard_.”

It’s Jared’s turn to shudder. He lets go of Jensen’s hip just long enough to yank Jen’s sweatpants down around his thighs. This is Jensen in his arms; Jensen rock hard in his hand and Jared has to see. Jared strokes Jensen from root to tip, rubs away the bit of pre-cum he finds there and slides his hand back down. Up, then down. Then again. Jared is still watching in the mirror, but he can’t decide where to focus. Can’t decide which is hotter – his hand stroking Jensen off or Jensen’s face while he does it.

Just like their first real kiss, Jared takes his time. He wants this to last.

Jensen is rocking his hips, pushing up in Jared’s hand and then back into Jared’s hardness at his ass. He’s breathing so fast that every word comes out on a gasp. “You’re. Really. Good. At. This.”

Jared finds the spot on Jensen’s neck from earlier and sucks. _Hard_. “You sound surprised. You shouldn’t be.” Jared pulls Jensen’s t-shirt out of the way and lays a line of wet kisses across his shoulder. His hand on Jensen never slows. “This.” Jared tightens his grip. “This isn’t the first dick I’ve ever had my hand on, Jen.”

“I. _Fuck_. I know that.” Jensen’s drawn tight as a bow. Jared can tell that he’s close. Very close. 

Jared licks a stripe up Jensen’s neck and whispers straight into his ear. “But if it makes you feel any better, you _will_ be the first I put my mouth on.” 

It works like Jared flipped a switch. Jensen jerks, moaning Jared’s name as he comes.

It’s fucking beautiful.

Jared wants to ease Jensen down. He _means_ to, but shit, he just made Jensen come and his own dick is practically _screaming_ at him. He shoves his sweats down to his hips and pulls Jensen back against him, wedging his cock in the crack of Jensen’s ass. Jensen makes a happy sound and bends at the waist, bracing himself against the sink.

Jared’s been leaking since they kissed in the living room so the glide is easy. One thrust, two – Jensen’s beneath Jared and Jared fucking _loves_ him – and on the third thrust, he’s gone. He shoots across the small of Jensen’s back, just missing the hem of his shirt. “God. _Jensen_.”

Jared drops down until he blankets Jensen, careful to keep his weight off of him. He kisses the sweat from the back of Jensen’s neck. “You okay?”

Jensen’s voice is muffled by the arm he has pressed against his face. “I’m fantastic.”

Jared chuckles. “Yes. You are.” He straightens and grabs a hand towel, wiping Jensen off gently before dropping it to the floor. He eases Jensen up and slides his hand, feather-light, to rest above his heart. “I didn’t hurt you?”

Jensen turns in Jared’s arms. “You could never hurt me.” Jensen’s so bright he’s blinding. And Jared is a lucky, lucky man. He’s just about to tell Jensen that when he his mouth is filled with Jensen’s tongue. Jensen kisses him wild and dirty, bites Jared’s lower lip, and _growls_. “Bed. Now.”

Very lucky indeed.

\+ || + || +

They both nearly trip and fall on their asses as they’re leaving the bathroom. Jared laughs and pulls his sweats back up over his hips. He looks over to find Jensen doing the same.

“Smooth.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow and shoves Jared toward the bed. “I’ll show you smooth.”

Jared waggles his own eyebrows in response. “I was hoping you might.”

“Cornball.” Jensen pushes him again.

Jared let’s himself be moved. They’re going exactly where he wants to go. “Pretty boy.”

“Sasquatch.”

“ _Baby_.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Oh, it’s _on_ now.”

Jared is still laughing when Jensen performs some ninja move that has him flat on his back on the mattress with a grinning Jensen looming over him. “How’s that for smooth?”

Jared swallows hard. “It’ll do.”

Jensen’s smug _I thought so_ is probably hotter than it should be. He straddles Jared’s hips and reaches toward the nightstand. Jared is wondering what the hell he needs his glasses for, but turns out he’s going for the drawer instead. He shoots Jared a victorious look as he drops the condoms and lube next to the pillow.

Jared’s surprise is second only to his arousal. “You brought supplies?”

“Of course. Be prepared, dude.”

“You were never a boy scout.”

Jensen’s sly grin is pure sex. “No. And aren’t you glad?”

“I’m very glad.” It hits Jared then. They’re really here. They are really doing this. They’re _together_ now. He rolls until Jensen is beneath him. Jensen parts his legs. When Jared moves into the space between, Jensen hooks his knees over Jared’s hips and tucks his heels against the back of Jared’s thighs. Jared has a minute to register how _right_ it feels before all of the blood leaves his brain to rush to the place where their bodies meet. 

They fit.

Jensen grinds up and Jared kisses him wet and fast before tugging at Jensen’s t-shirt, because that’s just got to go. “Take this off. We need more nakedness here.”

Jensen doesn’t stop his undulations against Jared. “You should get right on that.”

“ _Jensen_.”

After one last teasing roll, Jensen relents, sitting up and raising his arms so Jared can peel his shirt off. Jared catches a glimpse of Jensen’s gleaming smile as he lifts the fabric over his head, before his gaze is drawn to Jensen’s chest. And the raised, red line that runs down the center of it.

It’s about a quarter of an inch wide and four inches long. It looks new and tender. It’s simultaneously the most horrible and most beautiful thing Jared has ever seen. It’s evidence of what he almost lost. It’s proof of life. Jared reaches out with shaking fingers and brushes the uppermost point. When Jensen flinches, Jared draws back as if burned. “Sorry.”

Jensen shakes his head and grabs Jared’s hand. “No. It’s okay.” He holds Jared’s palm against the scar. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, Jay. It just kind of tickles.”

Jared nudges Jensen until he falls back on the pillow. Jen’s legs relax but stay wrapped around Jared’s hips. This isn’t about sex anymore, it’s just about being close. Jared can’t stop staring at Jensen’s scar. He wants to – he _needs_ to – “Can I…”

Jensen’s eyes are soft with understanding. “Anything. You know that.”

Permission granted, Jared slides down Jensen’s body until his face is even with the object of his fascination. He starts at the bottom and presses baby soft kisses all along the line of the scar. By the time he reaches the top, Jensen’s hands are in their new default position, twined in Jared’s hair. And Jared is crying. Again.

Jensen’s voice is thick with emotion. “Tell me something.”

Jared lays his head on Jen’s chest just to the left of the scar and gives Jensen the same blank check. “Anything.”

“How is it you can make me so damn happy and break my heart all at the same time?”

Jared has wondered that exact thing about Jensen a million times over the last few months. Here in this moment, with Jensen’s heartbeat beneath his ear, he thinks he finally has the answer.

“I love you. That’s all. I just love you, Jen.”

Jensen’s heart rate bumps up a little and his hand tightens briefly before releasing to tenderly stroke Jared’s hair from his face. “Yeah. Me too.”

\+ || + || +

They should probably sleep. God knows they need to, but Jared doesn’t want to. They’re lying face to face, sharing one pillow. Jensen’s leg is slung over Jared’s waist and Jared’s hand is cupped around Jensen’s hip. Jared touches the scar for the hundredth time. It’s like he can’t help himself. 

“How much do you remember? About the shooting.”

Jared hasn’t wanted to talk about it, hasn’t wanted to go back there. But he knows that he needs to, if only to purge it once and for all. Jensen is his touchstone, that one person in life that when you tell them something it makes it real. Now that Jensen is fine, now that they’re _here_ , Jared feels like it’s safe. He’s ready.

“I remember the morning and the girl. The actual shooting? Not so much.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s strange. I distinctly remember _knowing_ that she was going to shoot. I remember thinking I couldn’t let anything happen to you, but then it all goes blank. I don’t remember the gunshot. I don’t remember anything that came after until I woke up in ICU.”

“I remember everything.” Jared whispers it like it’s a secret.

Jensen touches his cheek. “I know you do. I’m sorry, Jay.”

“It didn’t sound anything like a prop gun. And I could smell the gunpowder. You made this little noise when the bullet hit you, like you were surprised. And then you fell.” Jared takes a deep breath. “But I caught you.”

Jensen smiles and presses closer. “Of course you did.”

“There was a lot of blood. God, there was so much blood. You were trying to talk, but you couldn’t even breathe. I tried to stop the bleeding, but I couldn’t. I _tried_ , Jen. I really tried.”

“Shhh. You did enough, didn’t you? You slowed it down until help could get there. You kept me alive, Jared. You _saved_ me.”

Jared sniffles. He is _not_ going to cry again. He’s been doing more than enough of that lately. “You saved me first.”

“Because I am just _that_ awesome.”

“Don’t joke. I can’t joke about this.”

“I think you can. Maybe not with anybody else, but with me you can.”

Jared has his doubts. “Maybe.”

“It’s over, Jay. We’re both here. We’re both fine. You need to try and let it go.”

Jared sighs. “It’s not that easy.”

“Give it time. It will be.”

Jared rolls onto his back pulling Jensen until he’s sprawled across his chest. “Promise?”

Jensen lays his lips against Jared’s. “I promise.”

They kiss until they’re too sleepy to kiss anymore. Jared is just about to drop off when feels a lump beneath his shoulder. He shifts a little to investigate and finds the unused condoms and lube.

They’re mocking him.

Jensen watches Jared drop them back into the drawer. Jared’s small smile is rueful. “Sorry for ruining our first time. Angst is a total mood killer.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. Besides, it’s not a real first time unless it ends in tears.”

Jared can’t believe Jensen went there. “Are you calling me a girl?”

“If the hanky fits.”

Jared chokes on a laugh. “Oh, fuck you.”

“Next time, okay? Sleep now.”

“Very funny, Jen.”

“So’s your face.”

Jared snuggles in close. “You know I’m going to make you pay for that, right?”

Jensen hums in agreement and Jared takes that for the promise it is.

_Next time._


	8. Chapter 8

The hiatus is unbearably long.

\+ || + || +

In the past, time away from the show has always flown by. Sometimes there would be a movie to shoot, sometimes a vacation take, sometimes both. Jared used to relish having the luxury of time. Being one of two leads in an hour long drama doesn’t leave a lot of room for friends or family or even sleep during the season. Hiatus is supposed to offer a chance to catch up, to catch your breath, but Jared feels as if he’s been holding his since he kissed Jensen good-bye in Vancouver. 

Time away from the show means time away from Jensen. Jared knew it was coming, but that doesn’t make it any easier. They had exactly one day together before they both had to catch flights to their respective movie sets. Most of Saturday was spent on packing and closing up the house for the duration. The wrap party that night went into the wee hours. They didn’t even had a chance to sleep, much less pick up where they left off the night before. Sunday morning rolled around and there was a cab in the driveway to take Jensen to the airport.

_Six weeks_. 

He won’t see Jensen for six weeks. He’s not really sure he can make it that long. 

Jared is used to long-distance relationships. He pretty much resigned himself to having to deal with that aspect of the business when he decided he wanted to be an actor. But he’s not used to being away from Jensen. They’ve been joined at the hip since day one, but things are different now. It’s been months of almost never having Jensen any farther away than the next room, never going more than a couple of hours not seeing his face. Jared doesn’t know how to be without him anymore.

And he doesn’t want to learn.

\+ || + || +

He takes a quick side trip to San Antonio on his way to Austin. If he has to spend time apart from Jensen, he’s going to use it productively. Even though their relationship is solid, it doesn’t mean all of Jen’s initial concerns have disappeared. Jared plans to take care of that. And he’s going to start by telling his family. 

The conversation with his parents is downright anti-climatic. They hardly seem surprised. Jared remembers the sense he’d gotten from his mom the day he told her about Sandy and figures it’s probably because they’re not. His dad isn’t exactly thrilled, but there are no harsh words or bad feelings. They love him. They want him to be happy.

Jensen makes him happy.

Megan is gleeful when she gets the news. She squeals, “I _knew_ it” and hugs him hard. Jared doesn’t even want to know how she knew it, how long he’d spent oblivious to his own feelings when everyone else seemed know. He doesn’t want to think about what it took to make him realize, or how he almost lost Jensen before he had the chance. He hugs her back instead.

Her sudden frown gives him a scare. “Meg?”

“I just thought of something. Your boyfriend is cuter than my boyfriend. There’s no way that’s fair.”

Jared smirks. “Live with it, short stuff. It’s not ever going to change.”

Megan sighs dramatically before grinning mischievously. “He really is hot.”

Jared’s smirk deepens. “You have no idea.”

The ease with which his parents and Megan accept his relationship with Jensen lulls Jared into a sense of security, so he’s not at all prepared for Jeff’s reaction.

“You’re _what_?”

“I’m in love with Jensen.”

“You’re _not_ gay.”

Jared is expecting some confusion, but he is not expecting anger. Not from Jeff. Jeff is the one he went to when he first discovered he was attracted to guys as well as girls. Jeff is the one who talked him off the ledge when he was freaking out. Jeff is the one who, fresh out of medical school, subjected Jared to a half hour lesson on the Kinsey scale. Jeff is supposed to understand. But here he is, wearing the same look on his face he used to get when they were kids and Jared did something to piss him off. He’s definitely angry. Jared just can’t figure out why.

“You know I’ve done things with men. We talked about it.”

“That was just experimenting. You spent nearly four years with a woman, Jared. You’re not gay.”

“I guess the technical term is bisexual. Whatever. Since Jensen is _it_ for me, we might as well just call it gay. I don’t have a problem with that. Why should you?”

“I don’t.”

Jared glances pointedly at his brother’s clenched fists. “I think you do. How ‘bout you tell me why?”

Jeff shakes his head. “A little experimentation is natural, it doesn’t make you a f – ” 

Jeff stops himself from uttering the word, but Jared can still hear it ringing through the room. _Fag_. The utter ugliness of it leaves Jared momentarily speechless. Of all of the people in his life, Jeff is the last person Jared would expect to be homophobic. It’s knowledge he really could have lived without.

Jared keeps his tone level despite his own rising anger. “So, it’s okay to mess around, I just can’t fall in love?”

“You’re not in love with him.”

Jared is getting tired of the sweeping pronouncements about what he is or isn’t. Like Jeff has any idea. Like he has any right. “I’m pretty sure I am.”

“You’re just confused. He saved your life and you feel grateful. Jensen has always had a thing for you, Jared. He’s just taking advantage...”

Jared has his hands wrapped in Jeff’s shirt and his brother shoved against the wall before he’s even aware of moving. “You need to shut up now. I don’t know what your problem is, and I don’t really care. But you better get over it by Christmas, or _you_ can explain to Momma why I’m not coming home.”

Jeff’s eyes flash with genuine hurt. “You’d really choose him over your family?”

Jared shouldn’t be blind-sided by that question. Not when Jensen had tried so hard to prepare him for it. It’s number one on Jensen’s list after all. _Is this still going to be what you want if it costs you someone important?_

Jared loosens his grip. “You’re my brother and I love you. That won’t change. But if you can’t accept this about me, then I can’t be around you. It’s really up to you, man.” 

If Jeff is making Jared choose, then Jared is choosing Jensen.

He will always choose Jensen.

\+ || + || +

It’s midnight in Pittsburgh when Jared calls Jensen’s cell. He can hear Meg yelling at Jeff downstairs; can imagine his mother’s softer tones, trying to smooth things over. He lets go of it for now. Things may be better in the morning or they may not be. Either way, Jared’s got a movie to shoot and a boyfriend to miss for the next month and a half. He can only deal with so much at one time. 

Jensen sounds half-asleep. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself. Did I wake you?”

“No, I was just…”

Jared calls bullshit. “Jensen.”

“Maybe.”

“Sorry. I won’t keep you.”

Jensen’s chuckle runs straight down Jared’s spine. “You can keep me as long as you want.”

“Forever work for you?” Jared doesn’t want to dump his family drama on Jensen over the phone, but he fails completely at keeping the wistfulness out of his voice.

Jensen hears it. “You okay?”

“I’m good. How’s Pittsburgh?”

“Very industrial. How’s Austin?”

“I’ll have to let you know tomorrow. I’m not there yet.” Jared pauses. “I stopped in San Antonio.”

Jensen is quiet for a minute while he connects the dots. “You told them.”

“I did.”

“How’d it go?”

“It was fine.”

“Really?”

“Really. Mom and Dad weren’t even surprised. They want me to be happy. They know you make me happy. It’s all good, Jen.” Jared absently picks at the hole in the knee of his jeans and waits for whatever comes next. If Jensen asks, he’s not going to lie. But he’d rather wait until they’re actually face-to-face to talk about what happened. He doesn’t want Jensen having doubts when he’s not there to do something about it.

Jensen asks. “And Jeff? How’d he take it?”

“How do you _know_ that?”

“What?”

“Don’t screw around with me, Jen. How do you know Jeff lost his shit?”

“He and I – well, we may have had words.”

Jared is all too aware of what it’s like to _have words_ with Jeff. Usually, it means standing there while he lectures. Tonight being a notable exception. “When did this happen?”

Jensen clears his throat and Jared just _knows_ he’s ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck. “Your birthday. Last year.”

A year ago. It was a _year_ ago. And Jared never even knew. “Why?”

“He didn’t…” Jensen trails off.

“He didn’t what?”

“He didn’t like the way I was looking at you.”

_Fuck_. No wonder Jensen was worried about Jared telling his family. “It doesn’t matter, Jen. I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care what he does. It’s still you and me.”

“I know.”

And the thing is, Jared can hear it in Jensen’s voice. He _does_ know. “You believe me?”

“If you say it, I believe it. There are plenty of things I still worry about, Jay. But I’m sure about you.”

Jared grins into his phone. Hearing that is almost as good as _I love you_. He’s feeling pretty sappy, but he resists the urge to go all girly on Jensen’s ass. “So, you want to hear the best part?”

“Tell me the best part.”

“Meg’s all jealous ‘cause my boyfriend’s hotter than hers.”

Jared wishes he could see Jensen’s blush but he’ll settle for his laughter instead.

\+ || + || +

Austin used to be one of Jared’s favorite places. He’s got several friends who went to UT, he’d almost gone there himself. He’s had plenty of good times here. This, however, is _not_ one of them. The normally hospitable city feels more like a prison and Jared’s just counting the days. 

Filming is going well, but Jared’s heart just isn’t in it. Clay isn’t Sam, the director isn’t Kim and Danielle is certainly no Jensen Ackles. He goes to work, hits his mark and says his lines. He’d feel bad about it, but really, it’s _Friday the 13th._ It’s not like the bar is set all that high. Every day, he runs his cell battery down to nothing, texting Jensen and talking to him whenever they’re both free at the same time. Every night, he goes back to his empty hotel room. Another hour on the phone with Jen and then it’s just him and the cable TV.

Jared keeps trying to get Jensen to go for a little phone sex, but Jensen’s _shy_. So, Jared’s back to his right hand. After the first couple of nights, he’s forced to break up with himself. It’s just not doing anything for him past the mechanics of release. One orgasm in four months that wasn’t self-induced, and masturbation has been ruined forever.

Jensen has a lot to answer for.

About three weeks into the shoot, Jared finally caves when Travis asks him to go out with the rest of the cast. Jared takes them to his favorite pool hall. They play a couple of rounds, shoot some darts and then camp out at a corner table. As the night wears on, Danielle keeps scooting her chair closer and closer. When she puts her hand on his knee, Jared excuses himself and heads outside to text Jensen.

_Dude. I think my co-star wants to sleep with me._

Jensen’s reply is almost instantaneous. _Don’t they all?_

Jared snorts. _You would know._

_Not so far._ It comes complete with a little sad face.

It’s a sign of how far gone Jared is when three words and an emoticon get him hard. He adjusts his belt with one hand while texting with the other.

_Soon._

\+ || + || +

Eric calls in early June to tell Jared the network has decided to hire bodyguards for him and Jensen. Jared fumbles for an explanation as to why they’ll really only need one. 

“So, Jensen’s roommate had to sell the house and it just makes sense for him to stay with me. I’ve got all this room and – .”

He and Jensen have talked about it. It does make sense. They may eventually come out, but they can’t come out now. Not while they’re playing _brothers_. They both care too much about Supernatural to risk it.

That doesn’t mean they can’t hide in plain sight.

It turns out they may have grossly underestimated Kripke’s ability to discern nuance, though. Because when Jared’s finished stammering out his story, Eric makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a choked laugh.

“That’s fine, Jared. I’ll make sure legal adds an iron-clad confidentiality clause.” When Eric hangs up, Jared hits number one on his speed dial.

Jensen is _not_ going to like this.

\+ || + || +

_Friday the 13th_ wraps the second week of June and Jared is a free man. He’s got fourteen days before the start of filming for Season Four, seven before he’ll see Jensen. He considers stopping off in L.A. to kill some time, but he really just wants to go home – home to his house and his dogs, home to the life he and Jensen are going to build. 

It’s a beautiful day when he lands at YVR. The sky is mostly clear with just the occasional fluffy cloud. Summer in Vancouver is nothing like Texas. There is none of the cloying heat. Jared feels like he can breathe again.

He hits the grocery store to pick up the essentials and then the kennel to get the dogs. He spends his first day back puttering around the house, moving all of Jensen’s things from the guest room to the master bedroom. The sight of Jensen’s D & G suit hanging next to his own paisley button-down gives Jared a bone deep feeling of satisfaction.

Jensen is in Dallas spending some time with his family. He’s due in on Friday.

Five more days.

\+ || + || +

Wednesday morning, Jared takes Harley and Sadie for a run. He tries to call Jensen when they get back, but it goes straight to voicemail. Even with the dogs underfoot, the house is strangely empty. It feels lonely. 

He just wants to hear Jensen’s voice.

Jared puts fresh water down for the dogs and heads to the garage. Hopefully, by the time he’s done working out, Jensen will have called. He’s halfway through his second set of reps when he hears a commotion in the living room. Harley and Sadie are barking like crazy. He drops the barbell and hurries to check it out. They’re both big dogs. They can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time.

He shouldn’t have worried. Nothing’s broken, nothing’s wrong. The dogs are just over the moon to see their second most favorite person in the world.

Jensen is home.

\+ || + || +

Jensen's crouching down, laughing as he lets the dogs love all over him. When he catches sight of Jared, he straightens and Jared can’t do anything but stare. 

Jen looks good. He looks _amazing_. He’s regained all of the weight he lost in the hospital. He looks healthy and rested. Looking at him now, you’d never be able to guess what he’d been through. He’s got his sunglasses pushed up on his head and a smile so bright, Jared almost needs his own. 

Their eyes meet and it’s every cliché that Jared has ever heard, because time just _stops_.

“You’re here.” 

“Surprise.”

Jared can’t shake the feeling that he’s conjured Jensen up out of the sheer desire to see him. “You’re not supposed to be here until Friday.”

Jensen’s smile cranks up a notch. He pulls his glasses off and sets them on the table by the door. “I could leave and come back if you’d like.”

_That_ breaks Jared out of his fugue. “The _hell_ you will.” Jared shakes his head. Then he’s crossing the room, stepping over the dogs and caging Jensen against the nearest wall. He has to have his hands on Jensen _now_.

Their first kiss is like a car crash, the sudden impact jolting Jared and shattering the loneliness of the last six weeks like glass. Jared eats at Jensen’s mouth, incapable of any finesse. And Jensen gives as good as he gets. There is the desperate slide of tongue against tongue, the grapple of hands seeking purchase. It’s a driving need to get closer. It’s almost painful.

Jared has to force himself to ease up, to gentle the kiss. This isn’t supposed to hurt. He breaks away reluctantly, pressing their foreheads together. “I fucking _missed_ you.”

Jensen’s sigh is ragged. “I missed you, too.”

Jared lowers his mouth again, and it’s everything their first kiss wasn’t. It’s slow and sweet. It’s _you’re here_ and _finally_. Jared lets himself get lost in it. When Jensen starts making those little sounds Jared loves so much, Jared slides his hands down the curve of Jensen’s ass, grips the back of his thighs and lifts. Jensen wraps his legs around Jared’s waist and braces his shoulders against the wall. At the first push of their hard cocks against each other, he starts a slow grind that makes Jared moan.

Jensen’s hands are wrapped tightly in the hair at Jared’s nape. He tilts Jared’s head and presses a line of kisses along Jared’s collarbone and up his neck. That’s when Jared remembers how he spent his morning. He’s sweaty and sticky and not exactly spring fresh. All of a sudden, he feels self-conscious.

“I should shower.” 

Jensen licks the stretch of skin he just kissed. “You _really_ shouldn’t.”

And here Jared thought he couldn’t get any harder. Jensen is just full of surprises. “I was working out.”

“I can see that. Maybe we can continue your workout. In your bedroom.”

“I’ve got a better idea. How ‘bout we continue this – .” Jared pauses to grab a quick kiss. “In _our_ bedroom.”

Jensen smiles. “That’ll work too.”

Jared rubs against Jensen one more time before securing his hold and pulling away from the wall. He could put Jensen down and allow him walk on his own, but he’s not ready to let go yet.

“You don’t have to carry me.”

“Maybe I want to. What’s the point of being able to bench press three hundred pounds if I can’t do this?”

“Show off.”

“You complaining?”

“Not hardly.”

\+ || + || +

Jared closes the bedroom door with his foot, leaving any curious four-legged friends on the other side. He dumps Jensen unceremoniously in the middle of the bed and laughs when he bounces. Jensen grins in return. 

Jared stands over the bed and strips off his shirt. Jensen is up on his knees immediately, reaching for the waistband of Jared’s basketball shorts and shoving them down along with Jared’s briefs. Once they clear Jared’s hips, they fall around his ankles. Jared steps out of them, toeing his shoes off at the same time.

The brush of Jensen’s fingers against his abdomen has Jared jolting. Jensen presses a kiss against the same spot as he wraps his hand around Jared’s dick. That has Jared jerking forward. 

Jen jacks Jared once and looks up, a question in his eyes. Jared can’t find the strength to nod or the breath to answer. There’s a part of him that can’t believe this is really happening. Jensen’s lips are swollen from all of the kissing. Jared watches them part as Jensen bends his head. He feels a warm rush across his groin as Jensen exhales.

Jensen is about to put his mouth on Jared’s cock. And when he does, Jared is going to – .

Jared places a hand on Jensen’s jaw, tilting his head. “No.”

“No?” Jensen tenses and starts to pull away. His expression is a study of fear and confusion, every insecurity rushing back.

Jared curses himself for being careless. He holds Jensen still and presses a thumb against his bottom lip. “It’s not what you think, Jen.” Jared smiles ruefully. “It’s just if you do that, it’ll be all over.”

Jensen relaxes. “We’ve got time, Jay.”

Jared shakes his head. “That’s not what I want. Not now.”

“What do you want?” Jensen punctuates the question with another lazy stroke.

“I want to fuck you.” The words leave Jared in a rush. “Will you let me fuck you?”

Jensen leans back in and nuzzles his face against Jared’s belly. Jared can _feel_ him smile. “I thought you’d never ask.”

\+ || + || +

Jared is propped up against the headboard watching as Jensen begins removing his clothes. He sheds his t-shirt first and then his shoes and socks. When he pops the first button on his fly, he pauses and gives Jared a little grin. Jared grins back, enjoying the impromptu striptease. There’s no artifice to it, but it’s still the sexiest thing that Jared’s ever seen. 

“Quit teasing. Get naked.”

Jensen grabs the condoms and lube from the beside drawer and tosses them at Jared. Jared catches them one handed. Then Jensen gets naked. He’s beautiful, all lean muscle and freckled skin. Not even the scar running down the center of his chest can mar his perfection. Jared is head over heels, and suddenly very, _very_ nervous.

“Jen, I’ve never…”

Jensen climbs onto the bed and swings one leg over Jared’s mid-section. He takes Jared’s face in both hands and kisses him. “It’s okay. I’ll show you. Just relax.” Another kiss and Jensen is settling down against him. “It’s going to be so good, Jay.”

Every bit of anxiety fades in the face of Jensen’s certainty. Of course it’s going to be good. It’s him and Jensen. _Together_. It’s going to be fantastic. Jared’s hands fall to Jensen’s sides. He kisses Jensen’s lips, then tip of his nose, followed by the curve of his jaw until finally he lowers his head and places a reverent kiss right in the center of Jensen’s scar.

Jensen lets out a long sighing breath and pulls Jared back up to his mouth. They exchange slow, lazy kisses. Jensen has one hand on Jared’s shoulder while he jacks himself with the other. When Jared pushes his hand away to take over, Jensen reaches for the lube. He slicks his fingers and reaches around to start working himself open. Jensen moans as he moves back and forth on his fingers and Jared’s cock jerks in sympathy.

Jared can’t _see_ , but he wants to feel. He slides his hand to the base of Jensen’s dick and skates his finger behind Jensen’s balls along his perineum to the point where Jensen is stretched open.

“Can I?”

Jensen sounds totally wrecked. “Anything.”

Jared pushes in gently until his finger rests along side Jensen’s. When Jensen’s whole body shudders, Jared starts to pull back automatically. “Sorry.”

Jensen grabs Jared’s wrist with his free hand and grinds down. “It’s fine. I’m good.” He tightens his grip on Jared. “I’m ready.”

Jared feels a flare of panic. “Are you sure?”

Jensen grunts as both of their fingers leave his body and reaches for a condom. “That’s my line, Jay.”

Jared would have a smart-ass response for that if he weren’t being knocked speechless by Jensen rolling the condom on him and slicking his cock with lube in another one of those lightning fast ninja moves. Jensen rises to his knees and shifts up, holding Jared steady until they slot together.

Jared feels Jensen open, feels him give way to the initial penetration. He keeps his hands on Jensen’s hips and his gaze on where Jensen is slowly sinking down onto his cock. Jensen pauses halfway and Jared’s eyes fly to his face. “You okay?”

Jensen nods. “Just give me a minute.” 

Jared wants to give him all the time he needs, but he’s not sure if he can. The pressure is incredible, like nothing he’s ever felt, and the urge to thrust is almost irresistible.

Almost.

Jared takes a deep breath. He’s not going to hurt Jensen. He won’t. “Take all the time you need.”

After a minute, Jensen relaxes and slides the rest of the way down. When Jared feels Jensen’s ass flush against his balls it dawns on him what they’ve done here. How far they’ve come. He’s _inside_ of Jensen. They couldn’t be any closer. He slams his eyes shut and throws his head back against the pillow. He’s going to break into pieces under the weight of everything he’s feeling. It’s too much.

Jensen’s fingers brush his cheek. “Open your eyes.”

Any chance Jared ever had of refusing Jensen is long gone now. He opens his eyes to find Jensen looking right at him. Every emotion that Jared is feeling is reflected in emerald green. He almost wants to laugh. Like he could _ever_ break apart with Jensen here to hold him together.

“ _Jensen_.”

“I know.”

“You don’t. You couldn’t. You – _this_ , it’s _everything_.”

Jensen takes Jared’s hands from his hips and raises them above Jared’s head, interlocking their fingers. He leans in and breathes _I know_ into Jared’s mouth.

Then he starts to move.

Each rise and fall of Jensen’s hips strips away a little more of Jared’s sanity until he’s lost in pure sensation. He loses all track of time and place. There’s only this bed, and Jensen, and the way they feel about each other. Jared’s no stranger to sex, but it’s never been like this before. There will never be anything else now. Never be anyone else. 

Only Jensen.

Jensen is moving above him, basically doing all of the work. Jared would love to help him out, but he can’t get any leverage. He’s totally at Jensen’s mercy and he’s pretty sure Jensen planned it that way. But maybe, just maybe, he can show Jensen something about best-laid plans.

They’re always better when they’re working together anyway.

The next time Jensen sinks all the way down, Jared unlocks their fingers and breaks his grip. He grabs Jensen’s right hip with one hand and his leaking cock with the other.

Jensen jerks. “That’s cheating.”

Jared’s grin is positively evil. “All’s fair in love and war, baby.”

It only takes five strokes. Jensen bites off a curse and comes all over Jared’s stomach. His body twitches through the aftershocks. This time, Jared is going to ease him down. He gentles his touch, rubs up and down Jensen’s length one last time and rests his palm flat on his stomach. “You good?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m great. But, I think it’s your turn now.” Jensen tightens his legs around Jared’s hips and grabs his shoulders, rolling until their positions are reversed. The move forces Jared deeper and gives him all of the leverage he was missing before. He doesn’t even think about it, just hooks Jensen’s knees over his elbows and starts to thrust. Every time he bottoms out, they both groan. Jared can feel his orgasm rising. It’s dancing at the fringes, just out of reach.

Jensen threads his hand through Jared’s hair. “Hey.” When Jared meets his eyes, Jensen smiles. “I love you.”

It’s the first time Jensen has said it unprompted and it’s enough to send Jared right over.

Just like Jensen knew it would.

\+ || + || +

Jared is stupidly happy to be back at work. He stands well away from the cameras; nursing a cup of coffee and watching Jensen and Jim do their thing. He doesn’t even really need to be here. The first fifteen minutes of 4.1 are all Dean, all the time. But Jared was up at the ass-crack of dawn anyway to work out and walk the dogs. And it doesn’t make any sense for Cliff to have to make two trips. And it’s not like watching Jensen in action is exactly a hardship. 

So, here he is.

He’s a little disappointed it wasn’t Sam who saved Dean, but he’ll get over it. Sam and Dean are fictional, after all. In the real world, he did save Jensen.

They saved each other.

Kim calls cut. Jensen slaps Jim on the back and starts heading Jared’s way. Jared is holding out the coffee before Jensen can even ask.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” They share a smile. 

On the walk back to the trailers, their steps are perfectly in sync. They’re close enough that their fingers brush now and again. It’s a little thing, but it’s enough. Jensen stops suddenly, lifting the sleeve of his t-shirt. He frowns at the prosthetic scar on his arm and reaches out a finger to poke at it. “I hate this thing.”

“Don’t touch it, dude. Shannon will have your ass if you wreck that.”

“It itches.”

Jared keeps his expression deadpan. “That’s what happens when you get touched by an angel, Jen.”

Jensen snorts. “Yeah. Like _that’s_ not gonna get old.”

“I really don’t think it will. I’ve got a million of them, just waiting in the wings.” Jared pauses for effect. “Pun _fully_ intended.”

Jensen laughs in spite of himself and Jared grins at the perfect normalcy of the moment. 

The sun is shining, Jensen is laughing, and all is right with Jared’s world.

 

_END_


End file.
